Venting living at home

[debaser]

i have to live at home with my parents again because of my mental health after a manic episode. they were being supportive but they're falling back into their old habits only a couple months in and they're mad i can't work and that i dropped out again. i don't want to be in this house anymore, everytime they yell at me for getting worked up, i get so worked up i go self-harm in my room like a loser and fantasize about/plan to kill myself. i still love my parents and i know they can't provide for me forever, i'm wasting space. it keeps escalating and i keep doing dumber shit to myself in the heat of the moment. i used to cut and need stitches every time i'd do it, which i've replaced with hitting myself until the urge is gone/i can't anymore.

i miss my older habit but i haven't done it in a little under a year, because i don't want to go through an infection again. i had to stop because i kept getting infections from not caring properly for my wounds. i don't know what to do because how we live right now is what my parents consider good communication, but i'm worried i'm going to do something stupid to myself. i don't think i can even go back to the mental hospital unless i attempt and fail because there are so few available beds. there's a part of me that wants to get better but i don't think it's possible, so i'm just working up my courage to go to my spot and jump before i even get to meet my new psychiatrist. i'm so tired.