literally everything pushes me to suicide

[3FailedAttemptss]

i'm at a point where it feels like every single aspect of my life is actively working against me qwq i'm a schizophrenic and the voices don't just sit in the background, they actively tell me to kill myself ; - ; it's not just the illness, either. even when i do or think something completely mundane or inconsequential, both my own brain and the schizophrenia latch onto it and just scream "kill yourself!!!!" like it's the only logical response TwT

on top of that, my ex dropped me like a little play thing he was trying to fix qwq and it's cemented this feeling that i'm fundamentally incompatible with love ; - ; i don't know how to connect, i don't know how to keep someone, and i'm starting to believe i never will uwu i have zero freedom, my mom shadows me everywhere i go, monitoring my every move, and it feels like i'm living in a cage with no key TwT i'm not actually living; i'm just drifting through life, watching days blur into each other with no direction or purpose

and now i'm staring down the very real possibility of getting kicked out of university QwQ if that happens, i lose my financial stability, my last shred of structure, and any chance of building a future ; - ; i'm exhausted TwT i don't know how much longer i can keep pretending i'm fine or waiting for things to magically turn around qwq

garhhhhhhh i just want SN!!!!!! >w<