Venting Life

[animetal]

I love my mom but she is the main reason why I want to ctb, she's a narcissist and never accepted me for being autistic, no wonder I had developed bpd because I had to mask my literal self and I always had an unstable image of who I am because growing up she never really let me be me and then her blaming me for being sa'd. And she just always triggers me and she said if I'm going to kill myself don't do it here when I was just sitting on the couch laying down. It's like she wants me to do it :/ anyways I feel very unloved by the world, by my family , by everyone I can't help but think it's my fault . I feel very alone and I don't even have the person that I loved spending time with the most. He told me to just let him go but without him I feel like I'm nothing, I don't want to bother my friends I feel my whole life is just crumbling and there's nothing I can do to fix it. All the chances I had are gone and I have no motivation to even work or do anything I'm so extremely depressed . I can't do it anymore. I feel I can't even express who I am around her and and the only time she talks to me is when it's about herself. It's so unfair

 

[Sweet Tart]

Narcissistic parents do so much damage. I think it can be undone, at least to some degree. The scary part, to me, is how normalized the emotional abuse can be. I don't want to generalize- there is all different kinds of narcissistic abuse. I deeply trusted my parents and felt so much shame for disappointing them. I'm slowly unraveling the twisted power dynamics I grew up with and seeing that my mom is a monster. It's a relief to see that the monster was never me. But the knowledge is of little help while I am stuck living in my stepdad's house & re-experiencing abusive dynamics I grew up with.

Anyway, I am sorry your mom is so triggering. She sounds very difficult and stressful. It's soooo hard to live with them. I hope there will be an opportunity for you to get away from her. Many people say that they are able to be ok once they limit or cut off contact. I lived apart from my mom for over 20 years and I made a lot of progress that is unfortunately being reversed, now that I'm living with her again.