Menhera Chan
Rather be asleep than stay awake
- Feb 13, 2023
- 13
Its been a while since ive been on here. I decided to log back in to just see how its been. Since my last post, i tried to kill myself almost immediately after my birthday by taking a bunch of pain killers (horrible reaction btw) and as you see, it clearly didn't work. But im not necessarily mad about it. I had told a friend while i was overdosing and nearly had cops show up to my house and was finally put into therapy after being ignored for years because i was an "emergency case." I also had decided to disappear for weeks after my attempt and almost got cops called for that too and my best friend came to see me. But i had terribly slit up wrists and i couldnt show her. Now these have left me with really scarred arms, legs, hips and shoulders and i get stared at for them because they still look fresh and like little mouths. The guy i was talking to in my last time here abandoned me after i found out I had BPD. Ironic. And i had realized i was manipulated and kept around for lust. But since then. I dropped my toxic best friend, dropped other toxic friends, got over the guy, started going back in public (because I absolutely refused to go out and be social) though im still getting used to it, i have no friends here but oh well (all my friends are in a different city) I started on pills for my mental illnesses (though they dont do as much as i hoped, they make me sleepy, still better than being awake), i stopped cutting, and the biggest of all, i met my first and most wonderful boyfriend. He also deals with mental health issues and it helped us relate and be closer to eachother. He gave me affection i never felt before. And the hope of a future. While i still want to die terribly nearly everyday, its less than before. I want to get married to him. It might be delusion, but hes the only future i got and he feels the same for me too. We agreed that if life doesnt go the way we want it to, we would commit a double suicide together, and it was like the most romantic thing anyone had ever promised to me. But we will have to see what our years have in store for us. I just wanted to update, and maybe for myself. I also kinda missed this site too.
