I'm so angry that I'm alive and stuck in this disgusting world where horrible pain is inevitable for a person like me. I can't eat, I hate lying down to sleep as my mind disturbs me as soon as I stop focusing on an activity, I've been losing weight and look unhealthily small, not that I don't always, but it's worse than usual, I feel like going back to kratom so I can at least find a minuscule amount of joy in this fucked up life but I know that when withdrawals come around, I'm going to feel a pain that I would RATHER DIE than feel again. Not to mention, I eat even less when I take kratom. I was taking so much in 2022 just to hold down a job that I would throw up from it and hardly be able to move without having it in me.
I feel so fucking dead all the time and the pain hardly ever leaves. Even when it does leave it doesn't really leave. It's more like it just gets a little less prominent for a short amount of time and I'm so used to being devastated by the psychological endurance test of horror that I take this as a massive win when it's really still fucked up either way. The fact that ending YOUR OWN life is looked at as this insane shocking thing is outrageous to me. It's not like it's easy to do or done without a lot of deep thinking about pros and cons of living vs. dying right? It's not like one day a person who hasn't been being tormented for years says, "Hey, I think it would be real swell to hang myself" Right?
This is a sick society where those tormented are trapped. I want to at least have the effing option out!!! And by option, I mean I want to have the ability to opt out without having to leave the world in secret thinking that everyone saw me as this failure who couldn't keep up with the gift of life who needed to be stopped from going through with it.
I just feel so weak and dead inside. Nothing new.
Sometimes I get the feeling that this can not end well for me. I could be wrong but I fear I'm going to be living with this inner-hell for the rest of my life. During the less bad moments, I think that I just need to keep pushing but then I have these moments of elevated psychological pain where my sense of urgency to get tf out increases ten fold.
I'm just so angry to be in this predicament. I don't want to be bitter and hateful but I'm just in so much pain and feel so much pressure to stick it out that I can hardly avoid building up these horrible feelings in addition to everything else I'm dealing with.
I feel so fucking dead all the time and the pain hardly ever leaves. Even when it does leave it doesn't really leave. It's more like it just gets a little less prominent for a short amount of time and I'm so used to being devastated by the psychological endurance test of horror that I take this as a massive win when it's really still fucked up either way. The fact that ending YOUR OWN life is looked at as this insane shocking thing is outrageous to me. It's not like it's easy to do or done without a lot of deep thinking about pros and cons of living vs. dying right? It's not like one day a person who hasn't been being tormented for years says, "Hey, I think it would be real swell to hang myself" Right?
This is a sick society where those tormented are trapped. I want to at least have the effing option out!!! And by option, I mean I want to have the ability to opt out without having to leave the world in secret thinking that everyone saw me as this failure who couldn't keep up with the gift of life who needed to be stopped from going through with it.
I just feel so weak and dead inside. Nothing new.
Sometimes I get the feeling that this can not end well for me. I could be wrong but I fear I'm going to be living with this inner-hell for the rest of my life. During the less bad moments, I think that I just need to keep pushing but then I have these moments of elevated psychological pain where my sense of urgency to get tf out increases ten fold.
I'm just so angry to be in this predicament. I don't want to be bitter and hateful but I'm just in so much pain and feel so much pressure to stick it out that I can hardly avoid building up these horrible feelings in addition to everything else I'm dealing with.
