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Archness

Archness

Defective Personel
Jan 20, 2023
543
Recently, I've become so blackpilled, outright Nihilpilled.

Mother has always been trying to be healthy, but she's just getting old, and now has the same condition farther has, it's genetic, I'll probably have it, mother, and everyone says I should just think about it constantly. But, how could I truly care? Maybe a little, but as I saw, effort very quickly reaches diminishing returns.

How can I believe I can do anything when all the evidence, all my experience goes to the contrary? When sometimes, so easily, life doesn't care at all what you want, what you need, what you do.

Why should I just postpone these issues that WILL come... just to face them latter? Would I even live that long, should I, because more and more it seems that suicide is a clear choice to have, and take, just being out of "Youth", I guess 30's at least. Because at the end of the day, what's there to even live for? What's so good about a long life when you WILL get old, WILL suffer, and WILL die anyway. Is it to "Build Character"? Is it to "Develop my soul" so some "god" can sluuurp it up real good? Is it just to reproduce all my problems into another person who'll still suffer and die and will likely fail to reproduce similarly to me?

But maybe I shouldn't even ask the question, when I probably lack the ability find someone and make a baby with them. Heck, other then just surviving, maybe, I can't do much of anything.

But maybe I should think about the bigger picture :

. . .

Am I here, just to watch the world fall apart, in full understanding of it?
 
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Michelstaedter

Michelstaedter

Experienced
Feb 25, 2025
205
I've had the "black pill" of nihilism in my system for a long time. I know this because I've always doubted God, doubted the value of existence, even doubted my feelings or the relationships forged outside of my family, which, in fact, aren't so bad despite everything.
As time went on, I realized that nothing has real value beyond what you want to give it, that money is a fucking piece of paper, and "virtual" money is even worse, because people kill, kidnap, and do "bad" things for that stupid value called money, just for the feeling of dominating others.

Sometimes I still wish I had children, to "plant the seed" of hope in them, that they might be what I wasn't, that they might be something better than me (the bar is very low). And well, in part, it's nature to reproduce, because my damned addiction to porn and fapping has been that signal that, in the face of depression, I seek in the "death drive," to find the path to life and leave a mark through other living beings. Anyway, to be honest, all of that stuff I just said is crazy, stupid, but anyway, I've been consumed by nihilism and today I'm waiting for that "bus," just like you (or maybe a train, I've always liked those) to leave this meaningless world.
 
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Archness

Archness

Defective Personel
Jan 20, 2023
543
I've had the "black pill" of nihilism in my system for a long time. I know this because I've always doubted God, doubted the value of existence, even doubted my feelings or the relationships forged outside of my family, which, in fact, aren't so bad despite everything.
As time went on, I realized that nothing has real value beyond what you want to give it, that money is a fucking piece of paper, and "virtual" money is even worse, because people kill, kidnap, and do "bad" things for that stupid value called money, just for the feeling of dominating others.

Sometimes I still wish I had children, to "plant the seed" of hope in them, that they might be what I wasn't, that they might be something better than me (the bar is very low). And well, in part, it's nature to reproduce, because my damned addiction to porn and fapping has been that signal that, in the face of depression, I seek in the "death drive," to find the path to life and leave a mark through other living beings. Anyway, to be honest, all of that stuff I just said is crazy, stupid, but anyway, I've been consumed by nihilism and today I'm waiting for that "bus," just like you (or maybe a train, I've always liked those) to leave this meaningless world.

Honestly, it's all-in-all very disappointing what life is. Are you just passively waiting for it like I am?

It's just taking so long and I'm getting tired of just being alive.
 
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Michelstaedter

Michelstaedter

Experienced
Feb 25, 2025
205
Honestly, it's all-in-all very disappointing what life is. Are you just passively waiting for it like I am?

It's just taking so long and I'm getting tired of just being alive.
I would be lying if I said no, because if I really wanted to, I would have done anything to try to leave this world, since since my little ones (pets) died, I have no reason to live, in fact I have no reason to continue in this world, it's not like I'm waiting to have a girlfriend (I've never had one and I'm no longer interested), have children, make money, travel or some other stupid thing that "normal people" do. However, deep down I know that I am only passively waiting for my end, enthralled by death and the beauty of leaving this world with the resentment I have towards the things I hate in life and knowing that I refuse to share existence with that which I hate so much, unlike those who embrace and cling to life, knowing that they are going to die and that in my case I cling to the idea of death and sadly I know that as long as I am relatively healthy and do not have an accident or a serious injury, I will continue living...

I'm tired of living too, tired, tired, fucking tired, I'm sick of living, sick of waking up and suddenly feeling that regret that the world is still shit, that I'm depressed, that happiness doesn't just slip through my fingers like water, but that sometimes I'm unable to even hold on to it, as if it didn't exist or I couldn't touch it, like a ghost... The truth is, I'm tired of living and if I'm tired of this fucking world, I want to detach my existence from all of this that is nothing but shit.
 
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