Venting Life and people

[annxietty]

I went to the psychiatrist after a long year of not being able to reach him, he gave me the same meds but different quantity, first week was awesome, I was high like ive never been, I felt capable of anything, god I was so close to happiness, everyone around me noticed I was different, my sister told me "I dont know if I prefer the high you or the depressed you" hahahahaha what a fucking terrible thing to say no?
Well the effect is gone and the anxiety has come back like a tsunami, even at work i feel it, the other day alone in my room I felt it so strongly I couldnt breathe... Next appointment is May 2026, and I told my sister as a "joke" I may not be alive by that time, we laughed... but I meant it.

Im gonna be honest, I no longer want to die, death was always scary but very comforting, now I feel trapped in life like ive never been before, a baby is coming (my sister's), people are around me all the time, I have a job... but god life is so hard, god I dont want to die, this suffering, this daily suffering, this terror I feel at every little thing... is impossible...

Today I had three things to do, buy anxiety meds (gives me huge anxiety), grab an amazon order in a library, and lastly the final boss, go into the mail office and send a package, I did the first two things with a huge amount of anxiety... I couldnt do the last one because the line was too big and I felt too trapped, I exited the building and stared at the door (you could see inside because it was all glass) I saw all that people patiently waiting their time, and I felt so many negative emotions towards myself... no tears left only emptiness, hatred... tomorrow I will try again, but why? why am I not normal? Yesterday I almost had an anxiety attack at work because it was hell (i work in customer service) and I had no one to hug so when I arrived home I asked my sister for a hug (ive been feeling so lonely lately...) told her about my anxiety and she said "arent you taking your meds?"

They will never know, how hard it is, how many challenges I face everyday, how many times I think about killing myself, about hurting myself, about giving up... but im still here, and everyday I ask myself, why? is it because I love books and I want to read more? because I like anime and I want to watch more? because of those three guys online i often talk to? or simply because im a coward?

10 years feeling like this, maybe its enough.

 

[annxietty]

An update, today I was able to go into the mail office and send that package I had to send, there was still a huge line, I felt like I was gonna explode, I was in extreme suffering... but I was able to do it, and when I left the building my legs were trembling, my hands shaking, and I had an hysteric smile that made several people look at me in a weird way... I kept saying in a very low voice "I did it" "I did it" "I did it" "You did it" "You did it" "We did it" "We did it"... then I came home and started doing chores and I was so proud of myself I told my sister "today I was able to do something that terrified me!" she smiled and asked "omg what?" when I replied she looked at me with disappointment and said "I told you, if you stop believing in the stupid shit you believe in you will be fine, but you never listen... keep going"

They never understand but for some reason I keep trying, thats how scary loneliness is.

Yesterday I wrote another suicide note, is on my phone and I have the access code written in my clipboard in my wall, hope is not hard to figure out when one day Im not here, I love Agatha Christie but I dont want my family to live through a book of hers, no mystery just a straight answer... Im tired.