lycheeginger
no alarms and no surprises
- Oct 21, 2023
- 44
i'm so tired. i've hardly gotten out of bed in three months, maybe longer. every aspect of my life is on pause and i don't have any will left to press play.
i have absolutely no one. the only reaction to my death is going to be relief. i'm trying to be comfortable with that, but it's part of the reason i can't bring myself to get it over with.
to afford everything i need, i need to work. to work, i need to get out of bed. to get out of bed, i need to stop physically neglecting myself so i'm not in constant pain. to stop physically neglecting myself, i need to be independent so i'm not a massive pain in the ass. to be independent, i need to carry my own weight. to carry my own weight, i need to work.
the most rational decision i could make is death. i'm not ready yet, but i'm at rock bottom. i'm so physically unwell at this point that i would need to go out of my way to save myself. i can't do it anymore. i don't want to throw away my last semblance of dignity but i can't keep fighting just so it can end the way i want it to.
i stopped at a dam today and i thought about jumping but i didn't want to put my family through the trouble of retrieving the car, let alone force the workers at the dam to deal with my fuckup.
so, i'm home now. back in bed. i've lost around 10lbs in the past week or two because i don't feel like eating anymore. i think i might just let go and wait.
i don't know if i should be grateful that i have nothing to lose or disappointed that i ruin anything i touch. i've torn down every connection between myself and my immediate family within a matter of months, just by being a worthless catatonic slob.
there's so much fundamentally wrong with my existence that i'll never be able to communicate. i feel embarrassed that i've clung onto life for this long. i love the world but i was never meant to be alive.
i have absolutely no one. the only reaction to my death is going to be relief. i'm trying to be comfortable with that, but it's part of the reason i can't bring myself to get it over with.
to afford everything i need, i need to work. to work, i need to get out of bed. to get out of bed, i need to stop physically neglecting myself so i'm not in constant pain. to stop physically neglecting myself, i need to be independent so i'm not a massive pain in the ass. to be independent, i need to carry my own weight. to carry my own weight, i need to work.
the most rational decision i could make is death. i'm not ready yet, but i'm at rock bottom. i'm so physically unwell at this point that i would need to go out of my way to save myself. i can't do it anymore. i don't want to throw away my last semblance of dignity but i can't keep fighting just so it can end the way i want it to.
i stopped at a dam today and i thought about jumping but i didn't want to put my family through the trouble of retrieving the car, let alone force the workers at the dam to deal with my fuckup.
so, i'm home now. back in bed. i've lost around 10lbs in the past week or two because i don't feel like eating anymore. i think i might just let go and wait.
i don't know if i should be grateful that i have nothing to lose or disappointed that i ruin anything i touch. i've torn down every connection between myself and my immediate family within a matter of months, just by being a worthless catatonic slob.
there's so much fundamentally wrong with my existence that i'll never be able to communicate. i feel embarrassed that i've clung onto life for this long. i love the world but i was never meant to be alive.
