Let's talk ctb...., Not the I'm pissed up, Sad, bitter, Misunderstood, etc Stuff. A GENUINE CTB TALK

[absolomonisgone]

OK. So I have my date. 1 October 2023. I will be 50. COMPLETELY MADE UP MY MIND......, though, when you think about it, and i have, it seems sort of unworldly, eerie, mysterious, incomprehensible. i have read, meditated, thought it over..., and done it tens of times again and again. but i don't seem to grasp the answer i'm seeking...., or maybe i started my question upside down with the answer on mind., and seeking to find my answer in my preconceived answer. .., this, my friends is a very weighty issue. i could go on and on about my thought processes,, I have experimentented with them all.
BUT, KINDLY NOTE....., no ideas of life sucks, I'm misunderstood, I have chronic illness, i failed exams, my girl left me..., and such.
Mine is something worse.... I HATE LIFE. I FIND LIF CHILDISH. ... I FIND EVERYTHING CHILDISH. Anyone ever had such line of thought patterns? .. I think to want to stay alive you must either be a child or a very stupid person(I'm sorry to everybody for my statement..., it's not about you..., but rather the way i view life). It's so utterly childish and stupid i can't understand how some people find it worthy. OK. Maybe I'm a looser of sorts and that informs my conclusions...., but I'm not a loser by any definition. I did all that people do to feel great and happy. alll of it. even so, i did it at very young age. ...like, i need top tier career high paying..., had that immediately after university.., wife, kids, beach plots, cars, etc. i did them one after the other and i never could find any happiness...SO?

 

[chr74]

im the same age as you and also have had enough now, i played the game for a long time and just want off the ride now. unlike you i havnt set an exact date but hope to hell i can get this done at least before next winter!

i agree what you said about, i think theres a certain type of person who does well at life, and it tends to be people who dont overthink things so much. the whole meditation and mindfulness thing seems to try to counter that and fix that type of person. i did try it all for a while myself but just ended up still stuck in depression and suicidal

.. actually looking at your thread title, is this the sort of response you DONT want? :p

 

[FuneralCry]

I also really hate life, I view those who want to stay here and view life as being so valuable as being delusional, I could never be delusional enough to want to endure something so futile, unnecessary and tedious as life. Life is just an useless process that leads to nothing and nowhere other than us inevitably ceasing to exist, humans just repeat the same tasks on a loop, it's like they completely lack awareness to the fact that this is completely pointless.

I have no interest in any of this and I prefer the sound of nonexistence over any kind of life, I don't see the appeal of existing and I don't understand the people who push the idea that suicide must be the "last resort", as I personally don't see existence as ever being worth enduring, I don't get what's supposedly so beneficial and great about life in order to have those beliefs, I think that people should be able to leave this world whenever they want to.

 

[absolomonisgone]

im the same age as you and also have had enough now, i played the game for a long time and just want off the ride now. unlike you i havnt set an exact date but hope to hell i can get this done at least before next winter!

i agree what you said about, i think theres a certain type of person who does well at life, and it tends to be people who dont overthink things so much. the whole meditation and mindfulness thing seems to try to counter that and fix that type of person. i did try it all for a while myself but just ended up still stuck in depression and suicidal

.. actually looking at your thread title, is this the sort of response you DONT want? :p

ehe. i have this whatsap that about or whatever . mine says "i'm not playing any more" . no one seems to understand what i'm saying. thank you for bringing the idea of not wanting to play any more. you can't play a game whose rules are determined by dump and childish people...(again sorry, if this comes out bad)..., anyway, you being my age and all i know you know what i'm saying. ..., DO YOU EVER FIND LIFE WASTEFULL, MYSTEROIUS, STRANGE? ..., especially when you decide on the day to die or decide to die anyway. BUT THEN i think, so many people die everyday and many will die...., i think dying is not a big deal..., and yet? you understand?

I also really hate life, I view those who want to stay here and view life as being so valuable as being delusional, I could never be delusional enough to want to endure something so futile, unnecessary and tedious as life. Life is just an useless process that leads to nothing and nowhere other than us inevitably ceasing to exist, humans just repeat the same tasks on a loop, it's like they completely lack awareness to the fact that this is completely pointless.

I have no interest in any of this and I prefer the sound of nonexistence over any kind of life, I don't see the appeal of existing and I don't understand the people who push the idea that suicide must be the "last resort", as I personally don't see existence as ever being worth enduring, I don't get what's supposedly so beneficial and great about life in order to have those beliefs, I think that people should be able to leave this world whenever they want to.

any ideas? something to think over? i'm a dead man walking anyway.

 

[WhyIam]

BUT, KINDLY NOTE....., no ideas of life sucks, I'm misunderstood, I have chronic illness, i failed exams, my girl left me..., and such.
Mine is something worse.... I HATE LIFE. I FIND LIF CHILDISH. ... I FIND EVERYTHING CHILDISH.

I think i can kinda relate.
All of my "childhood" (compared to your age i am still very much a child ) i believed that 99% of people would choose to press the "instant non-existence" button just like me. Its not because i had a terrible childhood or had some other issues. I had a perfectly normal-ish childhood. I just couldn't imagine anyone would choose existence over non-existence no matter how happy they were, but apparently i was very very wrong about it and i just don't understand it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not convinced other people are stupid as such- I just think their brains may work differently. I'm not so sure it is delusion. Can someone delude themselves out of being in intense pain and misery? I just think maybe some people do find sincere value in things that somehow are enough for them- be that their loved ones, their career/ambition, their passion for learning or a hobby. Or just good old guilt that they may want to leave but they can't bare to hurt those left behind- so- they hang on for their sake.

Of course- there's no obligation to find value in anything. We all have the ability to choose. I'm not convinced you can MAKE someone feel engaged with life and find enjoyment/fulfillment in things.

Personally- creativity has been my crutch in life. It saw me through some shit periods in childhood and became an obsession for me. It's slightly lost it's effects now but by and large- it's kept me going. It's a form of meditation for me in a way- I can lose myself in it. Plus, there's some sense of satisfaction (for me) when things go ok and a client is happy. I'm not naive though- I'm not some great Artist. Most people would see it all as a waste of time. Even say it was crap. No one enjoys ctiticism but ultimately- it doesn't matter what they think- it's the main thing that's given ME purpose all these years.

I think I probably am still quite childish but I'm happy to hang on to that to be honest. What's so great about being an adult?!!

I guess I'm just trying to say that it's probably just different perspectives- it's likely that no one could convince you that life is worth living- no matter what you have or achieve (from what you've said.) But- there again- I doubt other people would accept it that their relationships were meaningless- that their trip around the world shouldn't mean anything to them. That it's stupid to feel a sense of achievement from anything. We're all different.

I suppose I have wondered if it is mainly the more intelligent people who become really depressed. I'm not sure though. Put it this way- would you have prefered to have been more easily distracted- or more 'stupid' if it had given you a more enjoyable life? Would it REALLY have been a lie if you had genuinely found fulfilment in any of the things you achieved? Surely- we're just talking about emotions. Why are negative emotions presumed to be more truthful than positive ones?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm having a go at you! I'm just curious. I suppose I've never really viewed the world with such clarity- are you a Nihilist may I ask?

 

[RichardFirst]

It sounds to me as if you are world weary, and I understand. Ultimately, none of us chose to be here, and it's likely that many people would not elect to be here were they given the choice.

Life is, at the end of the day, a battle for survival. We've reached a point in civilisation where survival has become all too easy for many of us, but the irony is that it has stolen from us a sense of purpose. I myself am 36, childless, single and mired with baggage from a sex addiction in my late 20s. What sits before me is decades of...what? I don't know.

 

[mia_qwerty]

OK. So I have my date. 1 October 2023. I will be 50. COMPLETELY MADE UP MY MIND......, though, when you think about it, and i have, it seems sort of unworldly, eerie, mysterious, incomprehensible. i have read, meditated, thought it over..., and done it tens of times again and again. but i don't seem to grasp the answer i'm seeking...., or maybe i started my question upside down with the answer on mind., and seeking to find my answer in my preconceived answer. .., this, my friends is a very weighty issue. i could go on and on about my thought processes,, I have experimentented with them all.
BUT, KINDLY NOTE....., no ideas of life sucks, I'm misunderstood, I have chronic illness, i failed exams, my girl left me..., and such.
Mine is something worse.... I HATE LIFE. I FIND LIF CHILDISH. ... I FIND EVERYTHING CHILDISH. Anyone ever had such line of thought patterns? .. I think to want to stay alive you must either be a child or a very stupid person(I'm sorry to everybody for my statement..., it's not about you..., but rather the way i view life). It's so utterly childish and stupid i can't understand how some people find it worthy. OK. Maybe I'm a looser of sorts and that informs my conclusions...., but I'm not a loser by any definition. I did all that people do to feel great and happy. alll of it. even so, i did it at very young age. ...like, i need top tier career high paying..., had that immediately after university.., wife, kids, beach plots, cars, etc. i did them one after the other and i never could find any happiness...SO?

Sounds like you could do with a new circle of friends. I think life is a hunt to find what is real to you. How about finding a good land community project that grows food? That's down to earth and not childish.

 

[absolomonisgone]

Sounds like you could do with a new circle of friends. I think life is a hunt to find what is real to you. How about finding a good land community project that grows food? That's down to earth and not childish.

growing food and friends may not solve the problem. because even that wont give any meaning.

 

[mia_qwerty]

growing food and friends may not solve the problem. because even that wont give any meaning.

I hear you. It might be worth a try though to find people you can relate with more. How about a peyote ceremony? A proper good one held well and in a tipi. That can be amazing to help heal and find connection

 

[absolomonisgone]

I hear you. It might be worth a try though to find people you can relate with more. How about a peyote ceremony? A proper good one held well and in a tipi. That can be amazing to help heal and find connection

i don't understand anything you are saying.

 

[mia_qwerty]

i don't understand anything you are saying.

You could look up peyote. If you are in US there will be lots of ceremonies happening where you can partake and they bring a lot of healing. Could help you.

 

[absolomonisgone]

You could look up peyote. If you are in US there will be lots of ceremonies happening where you can partake and they bring a lot of healing. Could help you.

nobody and nothing can heal the human condition. have tried african, indian, theosophy, philosophy, rituals, etc. NOTHING WORKS. so, we accept the reality is death. maybe only that works.

 

[mia_qwerty]

nobody and nothing can heal the human condition. have tried african, indian, theosophy, philosophy, rituals, etc. NOTHING WORKS. so, we accept the reality is death. maybe only that works.

You can try healing your own condition. You won't be able to heal all humans true. Just give it a look up, it's involves ingesting plant medicines which have an actual effect on our brains. Or there's amanita. It might be worth living if you can connect to nature enough

 

[absolomonisgone]

You can try healing your own condition. You won't be able to heal all humans true. Just give it a look up, it's involves ingesting plant medicines which have an actual effect on our brains. Or there's amanita. It might be worth living if you can connect to nature enough

i dont understand you at all

 

[mia_qwerty]

i dont understand you at a

i dont understand you at all

Fair enough. It's quite straightforward. I just named some plant medicines that have the potential to open your eyes, if you chose to give life a go. Amanita, peyote, ayahuasca. You ingest them. In a held setting Ie someone with you who knows what they are doing. It could help you find meaning in life and help you live. I'll leave it at that.

 

[aliasblue.]

OK. So I have my date. 1 October 2023. I will be 50. COMPLETELY MADE UP MY MIND......, though, when you think about it, and i have, it seems sort of unworldly, eerie, mysterious, incomprehensible. i have read, meditated, thought it over..., and done it tens of times again and again. but i don't seem to grasp the answer i'm seeking...., or maybe i started my question upside down with the answer on mind., and seeking to find my answer in my preconceived answer. .., this, my friends is a very weighty issue. i could go on and on about my thought processes,, I have experimentented with them all.
BUT, KINDLY NOTE....., no ideas of life sucks, I'm misunderstood, I have chronic illness, i failed exams, my girl left me..., and such.
Mine is something worse.... I HATE LIFE. I FIND LIF CHILDISH. ... I FIND EVERYTHING CHILDISH. Anyone ever had such line of thought patterns? .. I think to want to stay alive you must either be a child or a very stupid person(I'm sorry to everybody for my statement..., it's not about you..., but rather the way i view life). It's so utterly childish and stupid i can't understand how some people find it worthy. OK. Maybe I'm a looser of sorts and that informs my conclusions...., but I'm not a loser by any definition. I did all that people do to feel great and happy. alll of it. even so, i did it at very young age. ...like, i need top tier career high paying..., had that immediately after university.., wife, kids, beach plots, cars, etc. i did them one after the other and i never could find any happiness...SO?

I feel you.. for me, I really don't see the point in living. Money, drugs, love, sex.. they all are fun at the moment but not worth living for. I don't know how exactly to view life as "meaningful". It is certainly beautiful at times yes, but all of it so temporary. I feel as though I am just floating through this life, wandering aimlessly. Many people assume I have a bright future ahead of me as a potential doctor, but I dont want to be one. I do not want to put so much effort into something that doesn't even make me feel connected to myself. Plus, I am terrified of growing old.

 

[Aisley]

I was kind of there ages ago, if I understood you right, and got completely past it. Completely. By seriously oversimplifying it, and I won't blame you if you hate me for it. But I compared all my questions to the life of a blade of grass. Do I deserve more meaning in my life than such a seemingly simple life form? No. I don't. It wants all the same core things as I should, to reproduce, to self nourish, to not get mowed every week. It needs no meaning or profundity or god. No great questions there. Just sucking shit from dirt, light from air, day after day. After day...That's all life ever was. But maybe I missed your point.

 

[absolomonisgone]

Fair enough. It's quite straightforward. I just named some plant medicines that have the potential to open your eyes, if you chose to give life a go. Amanita, peyote, ayahuasca. You ingest them. In a held setting Ie someone with you who knows what they are doing. It could help you find meaning in life and help you live. I'll leave it at that.

sure? all i know is if i don't kill myself now..., no matter, what....., i maybe alive tomorrow.

 

[SantasHelper]

. alll of it. even so, i did it at very young age. ...like, i need top tier career high paying..., had that immediately after university.., wife, kids, beach plots, cars, etc. i did them one after the other and i never could find any happiness...

Reading this hit me like a bus. I'm not 50 by any means, not close to it. But I feel the same way. We have all the things we have that society tells us is supposed to make us happy, we're still not happy. Im sorry your feeling with way, I do too. I hope you find peace in whatever solution you find.

 

[absolomonisgone]

Reading this hit me like a bus. I'm not 50 by any means, not close to it. But I feel the same way. We have all the things we have that society tells us is supposed to make us happy, we're still not happy. Im sorry your feeling with way, I do too. I hope you find peace in whatever solution you find.

just time to go. .., though dying is strange. like it's over.