Left Abusive Parents and Miss Them Somehow

[Madao]

I miss my fucking siblings I miss my family I wish I wasnt so depressed and ill im ill im very ill im fucking ill i dont want to be ill.

I hate my father I hate how he tortured and had me tortured. I hate my mother and her, may shes upset because I ran away but honestly I dont care because of rhe things she did and continues to do to me. Why was i born? Why? Why was i? To suffer? When you really start to think about it, that's all my life has been. Suffering. Suffering. Beset by the ones who brought me here no less!!

And then I came to where i am now, I ran away. Im living with a new family. I made up the lost years of school. Want to continue school. But noooooo. Nooo. I just can't seem to fit in. I cant seem to relax. I cant seem to be open. I can't seem to do anything. I spend a lot of my days just trying to get to the end of the day so I can go back to sleep. So I dont have to use energy to constantly distract and remove myself from myself and reality, but to instead sleep unaware of it all. And even there i don't find solace sometimes. Even there my fears find me.

I don't want to be doomed. I don't want to be depressed. I wish I could just move past everything that happened and live the new happier life I have access to. But I cant. I cant. The weight of the realization that I can not escape my PTSD is so crushing. I want to hug my mom. The same mom thats thousands of miles away, who has hurt me countless times and facilitied my torture. Maybe in her arms I can delude myself into believing in comfort again.

I want to die.

 

[NihilDoll]

That's why they say "Blood is thicker than water", and it's a double edged sword.
I'm terribly sorry you have to go through all this

Your situation sounds incredibly tricky. You have all the ingredients for a better life and you already managed to make the step so, so many fail at: Escape.
Have you tried giving trauma therapy a shot? What you went through naturally left scars that will keep you trapped in that trauma and keep you from moving on.

Cling to the fact that you already managed to do the hard part. Your chances or recovery are there, they are real. You *can* get through this.
It's all a matter of *how* now. Make an effort of internalizing that. Imo, that's *the* most important thing at the moment.
The hard part is done. You have a chance. All you need now is a way to rebuild things.

And i sincerely hope that you will find it! Don't punish yourself further for suffering. What you feel is sadly natural. You are scarred, you are hurt and you are traumatized.
The fact that you can open up about it already means you're significantly more powerful than you might think.
You can make it. All you need is to find your how. Everything else is already in place.

 

[Madao]

That's why they say "Blood is thicker than water", and it's a double edged sword.
I'm terribly sorry you have to go through all this

Your situation sounds incredibly tricky. You have all the ingredients for a better life and you already managed to make the step so, so many fail at: Escape.
Have you tried giving trauma therapy a shot? What you went through naturally left scars that will keep you trapped in that trauma and keep you from moving on.

Cling to the fact that you already managed to do the hard part. Your chances or recovery are there, they are real. You *can* get through this.
It's all a matter of *how* now. Make an effort of internalizing that. Imo, that's *the* most important thing at the moment.
The hard part is done. You have a chance. All you need now is a way to rebuild things.

And i sincerely hope that you will find it! Don't punish yourself further for suffering. What you feel is sadly natural. You are scarred, you are hurt and you are traumatized.
The fact that you can open up about it already means you're significantly more powerful than you might think.
You can make it. All you need is to find your how. Everything else is already in place.

My parents sent me to a torture camp, I was sexually abused and tortured. My legs were in chains. I was a high achieving highschool student, and in the last year and half of what would have been my senior and junior years...I was isolated in a foreign country, legs chained without anyway to get out. 18 grueling months. Horrific months. Ive seen death, ive seen the worst expressions of suffering. Ive seen what I never imagined was real. My ankles, even nearing a year after my grand escape, still carry bruising from the chains.

Ive delt with all of this by dissociating, and while great at keeping me sane, it makes sure therapy has no effect. it also makes sure that I can not think or be creative and utilize my skills to the best of my ability. And if I stop dissociating like ive been for the past few days or so, I find mysekf doing everything in my power not to go insane.
I also have no way to talk to my siblings :(