learning im "not normal"

[tasmaka]

recently ive felt that the way im thinking is similar to how it was years ago when I first hit a low point in my life. I was ditching school, and was insanely suicidal and all I would do is be miserable. I had gotten taken out of school and put in an evaluation, Im not sure my "official terms", but from a screen I saw with my case on it, it said extreme anxiety, extreme depression, schizophrenia, and my behaviors were listed as high suicidal and moderately homicidal. After this evaluation, I wasnt allowed to get treatment or to be placed in a ward due to restrictions of the pandemic, so I never recieved care under that group. I was later moved to another group by my parents, I dont know my current labels but I know nothing has changed in the past 5 years, but I still dont receive any treatments or medications, I go to therapy once a month and talk about school, since thats all I have time to talk about anyways.

My highs and lows come every month, every two months it feels worse. Its not uncommon for me to have visual hallucinations, but much more are auditory. This endless cycle and the repeating problems become tiring more and more, the only thing that changes with time is how I decide to cope. Recently Ive had issues come up with people around me, essentially getting bullied by full grown adults its stupid, but it gets to me. Ive began to casual bring up my behaviors and beliefs when i was younger and it seems to be met with confusion and uncomfortable looks.

this cycle leads me to begin debating logically whether or not ctb makes sense for me, or should I seek some form of treatment? idk id hate to waste my time and live in misery when its avoidable yk, but i feel like that guy mining for gold meme with this loll.. idk I dont think ive ever done anything wrong, but for me, receiving treatment feels risky rn because of how busy I am with college and busting my ass to try and get another job, yk money is kinda needded, idk if taking time for myself is possible but idk if im to harsh lmkk

but seriously learning that people think my common way of thinking is like weird, or creepy just bums me out idk what else there is to say .. like this isnt "heh... learning everyone isnt suicidal like me..." its like "ohh soo we ALL dont think that living a life of suffering is illogical due to an inevitable painful death in this flesh prison??? just me??" , "we all dont believe establishing human connection is stupid because we will all die alone anyways.??? " like ik "logically" and ETHICALLYY (acceptable) the stuff I think isnt right but its like accepting the fact jaywalking on an empty road is a crime

anyways sorry for any possible errors im lazy

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"You can't please everyone; Control the things you can control, one step at a time." ~Suncha (Victus Group)

For whoever has, to them more will be given until they have it abundantly, but those that do not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them. (Matthew 13:12)

 

[dreamofnofuture]

If you can, you should definitely try to seek some medication at the very least for whatever psychotic disorder you may have and stay away from drugs, particularly cannabis and psychedelics, if you can help it. You may feel drawn to drugs for obvious reasons, but they may trigger a full psychotic break. Each of these psychotic breaks very likely to be neurotoxic too, meaning in short they fuck up your brain irreparably.

My dad. Though I don't personally know him, I know he was schizophrenic. It was caused by many things. He faced severe abuse of all kinds growing up, his mother and father gave him drugs because they thought it was funny, and his mother also did drugs while he was in the womb. So it's not like it just came out of nowhere. His neurochemistry was warped since before birth.

I myself have experienced some antiquated psychotic symptoms because of some health issues, and while it wasn't full blown hallucinations and delusions, it was honestly terrible. So this, combined with your story and what I know of my own dad, deeply affects me.

Schizophrenics are treated very poorly in society, unfortunately. Many chronically homeless people are schizophrenics of some kind who don't have access to medicines or just refuse to take them for whatever reason, so they can't function in society.

I read that schizophrenics who lost/never had insight (awareness that they were delusional or hallucinating things) experience a genuine trauma and almost grieving period when they look back on their unmedicated days. Not saying you'll get to that point, but it's best not to chance it.

I'm not sure if you have psychotic depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder, MH professionals can help you with all that. I mid-key hate psychiatrists and the industry of mental health "treatment," but medicine really can make a difference once you're able to get it and find the right one. And having a psychiatrist who genuinely cares about your treatment can make all the difference too.

I think r/schizophrenia and r/psychosis can offer more information than I can. They can give you advice on how to proceed and how to start the treatment process given your circumstances.​

(Edit: Also, stress and lack of sleep can increase risk for a psychotic break as well. I don't know why anybody around you, if they know your situation, isn't helping you more. It's deeply irresponsible and dangerous. Like, I'm sure your therapist knows, it should be in your chart what you're diagnosed with???

(With diagnosis and stuff, you can get accommodations for college and social security if you struggle to maintain employment. Well, here in the US anyway.

(Regarding what's weird or what isn't, it doesn't really matter. "Normal" people are the most unhinged people and they don't even realize it. To me, what it's like to not have ADHD or autism, particularly autism, or not be suicidal is inconceivable. I hate my neurodivergence only because the world demonizes it and expects me to adapt without extending the favor of adapting to people like us, ND folk. I don't entertain myself with the vain judgments of people I don't respect and barely have half a neuron to think with.

(My suicidality is from a fundamental incongruence with humanity, mostly. With reality. I don't see suicidality or antinatalist beliefs as unethical. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm pro-right to die and eat with dignity. I think doctors, the ones who'd be comfortable to do so, should assist the euthanasia of anybody who has struggled with suicidality long term. Suffering shouldn't be prolonged just because there's a nonzero chance it could get better. It can get better, it can get worse after it gets better too. It's an unpredictable ebb and flow. However, if your suicidality is propelled by your issues and the bullying rather than that feeling of foundational discordance, I'd focus on getting medicated first and then maybe punching the shit out of your grown-ass bullies lol. Or just telling them to shut up and focus on their lives.)

 

[PanaxMan]

recently ive felt that the way im thinking is similar to how it was years ago when I first hit a low point in my life. I was ditching school, and was insanely suicidal and all I would do is be miserable. I had gotten taken out of school and put in an evaluation, Im not sure my "official terms", but from a screen I saw with my case on it, it said extreme anxiety, extreme depression, schizophrenia, and my behaviors were listed as high suicidal and moderately homicidal. After this evaluation, I wasnt allowed to get treatment or to be placed in a ward due to restrictions of the pandemic, so I never recieved care under that group. I was later moved to another group by my parents, I dont know my current labels but I know nothing has changed in the past 5 years, but I still dont receive any treatments or medications, I go to therapy once a month and talk about school, since thats all I have time to talk about anyways.

My highs and lows come every month, every two months it feels worse. Its not uncommon for me to have visual hallucinations, but much more are auditory. This endless cycle and the repeating problems become tiring more and more, the only thing that changes with time is how I decide to cope. Recently Ive had issues come up with people around me, essentially getting bullied by full grown adults its stupid, but it gets to me. Ive began to casual bring up my behaviors and beliefs when i was younger and it seems to be met with confusion and uncomfortable looks.

this cycle leads me to begin debating logically whether or not ctb makes sense for me, or should I seek some form of treatment? idk id hate to waste my time and live in misery when its avoidable yk, but i feel like that guy mining for gold meme with this loll.. idk I dont think ive ever done anything wrong, but for me, receiving treatment feels risky rn because of how busy I am with college and busting my ass to try and get another job, yk money is kinda needded, idk if taking time for myself is possible but idk if im to harsh lmkk

but seriously learning that people think my common way of thinking is like weird, or creepy just bums me out idk what else there is to say .. like this isnt "heh... learning everyone isnt suicidal like me..." its like "ohh soo we ALL dont think that living a life of suffering is illogical due to an inevitable painful death in this flesh prison??? just me??" , "we all dont believe establishing human connection is stupid because we will all die alone anyways.??? " like ik "logically" and ETHICALLYY (acceptable) the stuff I think isnt right but its like accepting the fact jaywalking on an empty road is a crime

anyways sorry for any possible errors im lazy

For me I think I have winter depression where the weather affected me the most but now it's 100 percent real depression and most of it this learning about the true nature of humanity and how our brain actually works from the interest of dopamine. It's extremely depressing.