pantherauncia
this is no statement, i'm complicit
- Mar 17, 2026
- 2
completely new to the forum but i really just need a place to spew the shit that's circling around in my head.
i'm really battling with my SI right now and i'm planning on relapsing (SH) with blades i stole from school. i have good grades, i have friends i enjoy talking to, i have a good support system at home. i'm fresh out of an abusive relationship that i'm still questioning whether or not i'm a victim. i feel this sick heaviness i did before i started taking lexapro -- i know that my depression is starting to get worse again, it does sometimes and then i up my dose, and things get better for a few months. how many times do i have to do this? how many times will i feel like i'm circling the drain before getting scooped back up to safety?
i don't consider myself actively suicidal but if something horrific were to happen to me, i wouldn't be sad. i think i'd really wanna die if i got permanently brain damaged, or if i lost function in my right arm, or if i lost my legs while dying before being saved. i'm at a point where i feel like i'm slowly sinking down and i don't wanna be saved. i want to bleed and i want to scar. i have my own hopes, i have my own ambitions, but none of it will matter if i die soon.
i can't bring myself to be the one to clean up at home. my brothers help, but i don't want to get up. i want to feel happy at my computer so i don't think the bad thoughts. i take my medication so i don't have to deal with the headaches, and so i don't plummet faster,
i'm ok with this pace i think
i'm really battling with my SI right now and i'm planning on relapsing (SH) with blades i stole from school. i have good grades, i have friends i enjoy talking to, i have a good support system at home. i'm fresh out of an abusive relationship that i'm still questioning whether or not i'm a victim. i feel this sick heaviness i did before i started taking lexapro -- i know that my depression is starting to get worse again, it does sometimes and then i up my dose, and things get better for a few months. how many times do i have to do this? how many times will i feel like i'm circling the drain before getting scooped back up to safety?
i don't consider myself actively suicidal but if something horrific were to happen to me, i wouldn't be sad. i think i'd really wanna die if i got permanently brain damaged, or if i lost function in my right arm, or if i lost my legs while dying before being saved. i'm at a point where i feel like i'm slowly sinking down and i don't wanna be saved. i want to bleed and i want to scar. i have my own hopes, i have my own ambitions, but none of it will matter if i die soon.
i can't bring myself to be the one to clean up at home. my brothers help, but i don't want to get up. i want to feel happy at my computer so i don't think the bad thoughts. i take my medication so i don't have to deal with the headaches, and so i don't plummet faster,
i'm ok with this pace i think
