Discussion Knowing that I have the ability to ctb stops me

[Blackroom_57]

Me method is a one way ticket and I know that I can pull it off. Oddly this makes me more reluctant to do it for some reason. Now that I know that I can actually leave this place whenever I want I feel more inclined to stay and try to make things better. Anyone else in this position? I don't have a problem with SI I'm just not actually sure if I want to kill myself or not. I've gone through with some extreme methods in the past when I actually wanted to die which is how I know I can actually pull it off. Also I've rehearsed my method so many times to the point where I'm perfectly comfortable with it.

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[Blackroom_57]

What's your method?

Full suspension hanging. I'm done with these other methods that you can back out of. I will succeed the next time I try to kill myself.

 

[JM2RXA]

I get that.

"Third time lucky", I keep telling myself. Whilst my other two attempts have been with full intent, medications, or in the case of my first one, a poisonous plant, are always going to be hit and miss.

SN, done right and you'd be unlucky if it failed.

 

[jodes2]

I'm exactly the same. I've tried many times before. But now that I have SN, maybe one of the most reliable methods, I'm putting it off. Maybe it's partly because it won't be particularly pleasant. But even if I had N, I guess I wouldn't do it, I need to be here for my gf

 

[Ernest1964]

I agree with the OP. Just having these things in my possession gives me hope that I can continue on until I believe that there is no point in actually continuing on. I am suicidal, but not actively so. I have NEVER had any suicide "attempts" because when I do it, it will not be a practice run and I do not intend to fail. I have unemotionally planned and researched to succeed should the time come.

 

[Blackroom_57]

I agree with the OP. Just having these things in my possession gives me hope that I can continue on until I believe that there is no point in actually continuing on. I am suicidal, but not actively so. I have NEVER had any suicide "attempts" because when I do it, it will not be a practice run and I do not intend to fail. I have unemotionally planned and researched to succeed should the time come.



View attachment 104025

Damn man you're lucky to have those.

 

[Ernest1964]

Damn man you're lucky to have those.

I don't think of it as luck. I happen to live in Mexico City for work. Last week I flew to Tijuana and spent 5 days searching as many veterinarian clinics as I could and finally found one who sold me what I asked for. Where there is a will there is a way, as they say. The expiration date on the N is Jan. 2025, so I'm ready should the need arise.

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I can sympathize and I am glad you've decided to stay for the time being.

I think knowing that you have a way out empowers you to live your life in the same way as having a climbing harness can empower you to climb a mountain— it greatly cuts down on what is at stake should you make a mistake, and that can be damn liberating.

 

[JM2RXA]

I can sympathize and I am glad you've decided to stay for the time being.

I think knowing that you have a way out empowers you to live your life in the same way as having a climbing harness can empower you to climb a mountain— it greatly cuts down on what is at stake should you make a mistake, and that can be damn liberating.

I like the mountain climbing analogy.

 

[GasMonkey]

I happen to live in Mexico City

In Cuauhtémoc?

 

[Ernest1964]

In Cuauhtémoc?

Yep. Are you in CDMX?

 

[livingdeadgrl]

I'm in the same position. I was desperate to find something to relieve my pain, and the thought of had to live much longer like this made me crazy. Now that I have SN and I know if the pain gets unsustainable I can end it anytime I want, so its controversially calming.

 

[Blackroom_57]

I'm in the same position. I was desperate to find something to relieve my pain, and the thought of had to live much longer like this made me crazy. Now that I have SN and I know if the pain gets unsustainable I can end it anytime I want, so its controversially calming.

It's a weird feeling. Also, knowing that I can actually do it kinda scares me. Not because I'm afraid of death, but because of how easy it would be for me to pull off an act that (from my point of view) erases the entire universe. It's like you're on a bridge or a tall building and you have the thought of jumping, and you get scared partly because you can actually do that if you want to. Being mentally fucked has helped me develop that skill. Schizoaffective disorder has destroyed me. I never got a chance in life due to this stupid fucking illness.
The fact that I could do it so easily scares me also because of how devastating suicide is for those near it. the fact that it wouldn't take much effort on my part to release that into the world is alarming.

This person lost their son to suicide 3 years ago and every video she makes she's in shambles. It really makes me hesitate.

https://youtube.com/@RachelMoorefield