NSFW keep thinking about whether i can actually afford a hotel to ctb in or not

[eggsausagerice]

every time i try to look at a hotel in my price range 50-70 it seems really shoddy and bad (bed bugs/roaches and smell). i might do more proper research on the weekend because i've been busy all week. i've still been deciding between a picnic blanket or a tent if i do it outside. i think the only reason i would postpone my current date is to try to get more money for a hotel, but i don't have a job so i'd rather do it sooner than later.

nsfw section: i've been kind of thinking about asking guys to pay me for sex so that i can afford a hotel, but i think i'm too dumb to know how to do that kind of thing. i tried looking into it last year but got confused because it sounded complicated. i also feel like i could get into legal trouble trying to do it on dating apps because of undercover cops. i think it'd be the easiest way for me to get money in such a short amount of time, since i don't have any talents like drawing or 3d modeling. i don't really care about being slutshamed or being seen as sleazy because i know i'm already worthless anyways. i know i'm not really pretty enough to have guys begging to have sex with me. i think i mostly appeal to older guys that want to pretend i'm still in highschool because i'm 5'3. that kind of thing just makes me want to kill myself more.

i'm feeling very neutral about dying in general. i feel more shame around being alive because i don't actually want to live that much, even if there's people in my life that care about me and would try to talk me out of killing myself if i mentioned it. but i know that there isn't a point in talking about if i don't want help in the first place. i don't want to cause any drama before i do it. i just want to disappear and have people get a text from me 2 days later because it was scheduled on my phone. i just hope that the messages will be able to send, even if i'm not able to check my phone.

i really just want to focus on having fun in the days before i die, even if i feel really tired and bogged down. i think that i'm probably just going to die outside to avoid complications or draining my credit card. i've also thought about writing in the partner's thread to try to split hotel costs, but i think that getting close to people is too much effort. i've only talked to a few people that live in my state and they're all not interested in partnering or live too far away. i have a party on friday, then i feel like i'm just going to go off the deep end because i'm not sure what else to do with my leftover time. i plan on going a bar at night and enjoying nature in the city in the early afternoon. bringing my camcorder to record birds.

i don't really want to post on sasu on the day i do it, since i haven't pinned down a date and time because of how busy i've been. i already lied about one of my earlier posts being my last posts when i started browsing here to feel less miserable. i'm generally in a better mood when i'm offline, but it's hard to have things that take me out of the house.

 

[dreaming]

i really just want to focus on having fun in the days before i die

I may not have much helpful to say, but I hope you get to enjoy those last days<3

 

[rnoah03]

Hi Egg, if there is anyway i can help you get a hotel please let me know.

I would rather you find peace safely and comfortably

Hi Egg, if there is anyway i can help you get a hotel please let me know.

I would rather you find peace safely and comfortably

I can't dm you, because I don't have access
but just let me know if there's anyway to book that for you for a few days.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Hi Egg, if there is anyway i can help you get a hotel please let me know.

I would rather you find peace safely and comfortably

thank you for the offer but the post wasn't meant as a cry for help. i figure that you and any other user that tries to help me will just get into legal trouble if your account get traced back to me when i die. i prefer to have my dms off because of this.

 

[rnoah03]

thank you for the offer but the post wasn't meant as a cry for help. i figure that you and any other user that tries to help me will just get into legal trouble if your account get traced back to me when i die. i prefer to have my dms off because of this.

I fully understand, this isn't a pity party.

I don't worry about trouble as there's a lot of stipulation to that, a lot of people factor in more fear then the truth of the law.

I am myself, planning to CTB and my goal is to help as many people as I can before that date, just need to find SN as i already have everything else and my protocol

I know it sounds weird but maybe kindness in my head would show me there's apart of me that is good and isn't poison

 

[leoneliona]

I'm also struggling with deciding whether or not I should go for a hotel or outside, lol. Your posts are always super relatable in that I'd just like to dip out and schedule a text too. It's frustrating to have to deal with people and planning when the exhaustion is part of the reason for CTB.