K. Bye.

[locked*n*loaded]

Mary, I really enjoyed our private chats and I hope I was able to help you with the information you sought, even if only in a small way. I hope you've reached the peace you deserve and you can now, finally, rest, free of any further pain from life. Be free and fly high.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Peace to you, thanks for all the chats<3

 

[thickly_settled]

I hope you find peace.

 

[Disabled75039]

I miss you so much, your tiktok keeps showing up in me reccomended, if you're watching over PLEASE give me some luck at the poker table, recovering for you Mary, love you.

 

[Davey40210]

RIP

 

[Disabled75039]

hey, sorry i keep coming back here, Missing you a lot right now. Thank you for pushing me to strive to do better, ive been genuinely happy lately. I need to go to the doctors office and all that but i havent found the time. I played IRL magic for the first time in ages the other day, i still think its slow, but it was pretty fun. I hope all is well where ever you are. Going to do a big spoon for you right now, love you mary, thank you for being a friend.

 

[iamanavalanche]

been over a year since youve passed and i cant help but think about you and this post. i relate to you so so much and i grieve you even though we've never met.
i truly hope youre at peace now.
the world is so horrific.

 

[SNastablesalt]

Time for the Zesty Salts.

Thank you all for the time that I have spent on SaSu. While this community has, at time, been so so so toxic and made me mental health a lot worse, it has also been a great way to help cope, meet people in similar mindsets, and a community for me since April.

Spoiler: What SaSu taught me

not to be impulsive.

*think about how your actions will affect others- do not traumatize random bystandards.

*people suck, everywhere.

Spoiler: CTB journey

When I joined SaSu, my
Plan was to rent a hotel room that weekend. I checked into it. I was going to cycle through methods until I was gone. Partial and full suspensions, SWB, night night, and jumping with drunk af. Then I took a breath, and got into the community.

I then decided to take a breather. I spent a while learning everything I could about CO and SN. I spent about 3000$ on these methods. My plan was to do a 48 hour regiment, drink SN, and walk into a tent of at least 10kppm. I have done 2 successful trial runs of getting the tent ppm that high. The goal of this is to CTB via CO and the SN act more as a fail safe. I drove hours away one day, set everything up, did most of a 48 hour regiment, and packed everything up and went home before stepping into the tent.

However, I'm tired. CO takes so much time and work to set up.

So I decided just SN. I will go back to CO if my SN attempt fails for whatever reason.

I attempted a month ago. I got a room, set up a romantic bath and did everything but SN in my regiment. I couldn't stop thinking of my cat. I drove home benzod out, got pizza, and held her for 12 hours straight.

Spoiler: My plan

I have switched between wanting something peaceful& romantic and something revengeful. I thought for the most part, I would go with peace. Rose petals, a long beautiful dress, full hair and makeup, a beautiful flower crown. Then I decided on revenge. Airing out those who have hurt me with as much proof as possible. Airing out this horrible company.

But in the end, I am going neither route. I am too tired to care anymore. I am not even leaving letter beyond this post & care instructions for my cat.

Spoiler: SN regiment

48 hour regiment:
Day 1:
8hrs: 10mg meto
16hrs: 10mg meto
24hrs: 10mg meto & start fasting

Day 2:
8hrs: 10mg meto
16hrs: 10mg meto
23hrs: 1000mg paracetamol + 3mg of pyrazolam
23:15hrs: 30mg meto + 8mg zofran + 400mg propanol
23:30: 800mg Tagamet
24: cheers bitchhh. 35g of SN dissolved in water & 2mg of Flubrotizolam

2 glasses on standby of SN.
24 ish hour fast

Spoiler: Possible faults of SN

untested SN from SD. The cheapest one.

-hitting my weed cart. I've heard controversy abt this.

-sipping on water and sugar free kool aid with regiment and thirst

Spoiler: Sexual assault

I've talked about this several times on SaSu. Nobody in my life has a full picture. People know bits and details. Nobody knows it all.

My number is 6. From the age of 15-26, 6 men have raped me. Several with weapons. My life has been threatened several times just so a man can get off.

I am stronger. My brain is fully developed. I promise you, if a man ever holds a gun to my head again, telling me "you scream, I shoot," I will not be the one afraid. However, I'd rather leave before that can ever happen again.

When I was 15, a manager of a block buster we use to go to all of the time shoved his fingers inside of me with my mom a few isles over. He groomed me online for a year after.

When I was 18, I joined a sorority. Got drunk for the first time, or had my drink spiked, unsure. I was unconscious. I woke up covered in my own blood & my insides in so much pain. I was a lesbian. My girlfriend broke up with me for cheating on her & I was told it was better not to ruin the reputation of Greek life over a mistake someone made. I gave up ever trying again when I heard that.

The worst one was my friends dad. He picked me up one night from a sketchy event. He shoved me in his truck. He held a gun to my head repeating the phrase "you scream, I shoot," for what I watched pass on the clock to be three hours.

Once it was a cop. He was the worst. I can't even talk about that experience.

2 more times.

My appearance has decreased. I cut off all of my hair. I no longer dress up. I have purposefully gained 100lbs. All so a man would never hurt me again. However, successful.

Spoiler: My Job

I have worked with one company for a total of about 8.5 years. I quit after 7.5 years when my boss yelled at me for checking on someone in the hospital.

About a week later, I was hired at another store. I quit very soon after for sexual harassment. This man had been asking to sleep with me for years. Years. He was never my boss. I played into it for financial gain, but I have never touched him. I told him not to be weird as my boss, and he was. I stopped showing up.

This man has made every girl I have ever talked to that has worked for him uncomfortable. Multiple women have gone to HR. Many have quit. I personally know 5 woman who have quit due to sexual harassment from him. None of them work for the company. Guess who does? Him.

Fast forward abt 2 years and I come back. I start at a new store. I quit 3 months later because I have to tell my boss every day not to put his hands on me. Sexual or not, it made me uncomfortable. It shohld have stopped the first time I said don't touch me.

I've been at a new store for a month. My boss is 20. They're just children. I'm done.

Not to mention, one of my former bosses in this company knocked me up. He ghosted me when I told him, blocked me on everything. His baby mama helped me with that situation.

The first man who ever put his hands on me unconsensually in a violent way was also a manger for this company.

I hate it. Fuck em all.

Diagnosis:
BPD
ADD
OCD

anxiety, depression, psychosis


I LOVE YOU NSFW THANK YOU SO MUCH

I miss you so much. I wish I was online to say bye to you before you went, we only spoke literally once, but I think about you every day. I watched American Mary for the fist time the other day, and I was reminded of you. It is SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!!!!! 5/5 on Letterboxd. I hope you're resting easy , you deserve the peace you got and I hope everyone who did shit to you is suffering. You are loved and missed
-SN