Venting Just waiting for when I can CTB

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

At this point in my life I am just waiting for a time where I do not have people who will hold me back or I just don't care about how others feel, and can CTB without a guilty conscience. Currently I resist the ever growing urge to die as I have people around me who care about my well-being[well..some don't care as much as others to say the least; but still, my point stands.] I have always been a very empathetic person and strove to be kind therefore I feel immense guilt when contemplating on the idea of suicide. If I was to die my peers would suffer mentally just as I do. I don't want that, it'd just be cruel. I'm not a bad person[at least I hope I am not.] But I have to question, when do I get to prioritize my feelings over theirs? It's a common debate on whether the act of suicide is "selfish" or not, I'm always stuck in the middle of that argument, I can't pick a side.
To put it simply; I feel too guilty to kill myself. I don't want to be whatever people see as "selfish".


I sometimes wish my mother or family would die in some accident so I'd have an opening to die guilt free, but thats an even more selfish thought, isn't it? Gee. Why does everything need to be so complicated? I hate life but death seems hard too! Will there ever be an end? Ugh.

Sometimes when I'm in my darker hours, sobbing alone in my bed like a moron, I think about smothering myself with my pillow or choking myself to death with a shoelace or something. Then I remember my mother and how she'd probably be the first person to come check on me and discover I'm gone. Oh, and I don't want to bother any EMTs and crime clean up workers. They have enough work already. I suppose I'm just always wondering when I could actually die. Huh. Whatever. Futile thoughts, they're getting me nowhere.

On a more recent topic, I've realized how my sadness always morphs into anger. It's troubling. I feel pathetic at times. As said in previous posts, I breakdown and behave like a temperamental toddler sometimes. It's embarrassing and down right unrespectable. No matter how many times I reflect on myself like this and know that my behavior is Innapropriate, I still am the same. I cry and hit myself like a child in the store who didn't get a toy they wanted. I can't even get words out sometimes, I just close my eyes and mumble praying to God that I'll be saved from this mental torment. It's blunt but, I hate myself.

If you read all of that, thanks. Don't know why you did that but it's pretty nice of you I suppose, I hope you're all doing well or at least better than me. Hah. Oh, and happy Easter to those who celebrate. I forget this holiday existed

 

[Naro]

Hey it's hard to fight those demons I wish you the best and from the way you describe yourself you seem like someone who cares a whole lot about those around you and that is a wonderful characteristic and i'll go ahead and drop this here Dezzy7319 since you seem like a good person and someone who would be nice to chat with

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, I at least could never feel obligated to suffer for the sake of other people but I understand that for many people it can be hard dealing with guilt. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[Viranamari]

I don't see suicide as a selfish thing to do. Grief and sorrow, for me at least, is a common aspect in life and you simply can't avoid it. I'm sure after a few months or maybe years, they'll be able to move on from one's death. Worst thing is that they'd kill the self but in the end, it's a personal opinion. I too think it'd be better if I were to CTB after my family( specifically my parents) died as it would be so much easier. Behaving like a toddler might not be ideal but if it helps you cope with existence, then I don't see it as a bad thing. You can always try other coping mechanisms though understandably, they're hard to adapt. Happy Easter, I wish you luck.

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

Hey it's hard to fight those demons I wish you the best and from the way you describe yourself you seem like someone who cares a whole lot about those around you and that is a wonderful characteristic and i'll go ahead and drop this here Dezzy7319 since you seem like a good person and someone who would be nice to chat with

Thanks. I sent you a request, my account is Dork