Well on the bright side I'm thankful for this site.
I finished a different post before probably going back to cutting myself.
Even ended it with a joke.
My skin will appreciate that delay.
Not as likely to go as deep with the delay to cool off a little bit.
Anyway here goes.
Someone yelled at me for not coming to help fast enough.
Called me cruel , cold and heartless for not coming fast enough and daring to yell back that I'm coming as fast as I can.
So I've got plenty more words to release .
A lot of tension to place somewhere else I can handle.
Which yeah I shouldn't have yelled back.
I was just wanting to be heard that I did come as fast as I could and the person was still yelling.
Which only makes my actions understandable not right.
I feel angry and alone now.
Before all this I was feeling exhausted, frustrated
Well frankly cursing the place still sticking around.
I want out of the place where everything is so very hard and eating is done lately either as a check mark on my to do list, because of annoying symptoms like shaking from not eating, or random food for comfort.
None of which is healthy I know.
I want out of the loop asking how much longer do I have to stay here ?
Begging to know why it's not yet time to let go.
When so much wants to let go.
It's suffering to feel all this pain and have nowhere to put it .
It's a unique form of torture to feel that desire to make things better .
That desire to continue planning the next steps of my last dream.
And yet it's so damn hard to just get up.
I hear my thoughts begging don't make me anymore.
I know it's talking about living
Yet there's something strange and undefinable making me stay.
Causing me to reach out instead of ending it in a hot moment.
And I can't help but wonder sometimes
Am I wrong ?
Should I just let go the next time I enter the mindset that's capable of killing myself ?
I've got so much pain I don't know how to explain
And so many questions without answers.
Yeah , I'm still surviving this but at what cost ?
When does the price of staying become just too damn high ?
I finished a different post before probably going back to cutting myself.
Even ended it with a joke.
My skin will appreciate that delay.
Not as likely to go as deep with the delay to cool off a little bit.
Anyway here goes.
Someone yelled at me for not coming to help fast enough.
Called me cruel , cold and heartless for not coming fast enough and daring to yell back that I'm coming as fast as I can.
So I've got plenty more words to release .
A lot of tension to place somewhere else I can handle.
Which yeah I shouldn't have yelled back.
I was just wanting to be heard that I did come as fast as I could and the person was still yelling.
Which only makes my actions understandable not right.
I feel angry and alone now.
Before all this I was feeling exhausted, frustrated
Well frankly cursing the place still sticking around.
I want out of the place where everything is so very hard and eating is done lately either as a check mark on my to do list, because of annoying symptoms like shaking from not eating, or random food for comfort.
None of which is healthy I know.
I want out of the loop asking how much longer do I have to stay here ?
Begging to know why it's not yet time to let go.
When so much wants to let go.
It's suffering to feel all this pain and have nowhere to put it .
It's a unique form of torture to feel that desire to make things better .
That desire to continue planning the next steps of my last dream.
And yet it's so damn hard to just get up.
I hear my thoughts begging don't make me anymore.
I know it's talking about living
Yet there's something strange and undefinable making me stay.
Causing me to reach out instead of ending it in a hot moment.
And I can't help but wonder sometimes
Am I wrong ?
Should I just let go the next time I enter the mindset that's capable of killing myself ?
I've got so much pain I don't know how to explain
And so many questions without answers.
Yeah , I'm still surviving this but at what cost ?
When does the price of staying become just too damn high ?
