Venting Just tired of no escape

[catastrophix]

(Hi, I'm new here, so apologies if I'm doing something wrong.)

I'm just so sick of my daily routine. I desperately want out, but I'm practically monitored 24/7. I'm not allowed to have access to anything potentially dangerous— No pills, sharp objects, etc. I'm 20, but I cannot work atm so I'm stuck here.

I take a LOT of mental health medication, and I mean a lot. Some of those meds have to be taken with a glass of water or food. This is hell for me, as I take these meds four times a day, and my depression just doesn't make me hungry at all.

The person I live with puts my daily dosages in a pillbox so I only have access to the day's worth of pills, so there's no way I could OD. I'm considering SN, but I fear that the person I live with will open the package.

I'm sick of these pills that don't work and forcing myself to eat. And if I attempted to come off these pills, I would get horrible side effects (Ik this because the last time I went to the psych ward, they didn't give me any of my meds until the second day. I had non stop panic attacks, dizziness and a horrible headache.) I've wanted to die since preschool. I really don't know how much more I can take.

I'm sorry for complaining, I don't really have any other outlets when it comes to such topic. I have a lot to figure out method wise. It shouldn't be this hard to find an end to suffering.

 

[LocalAngel]

Nothing to be sorry for, that's what this place is for, right? To be honest in places where you otherwise cannot.

If you're actively being monitored 24/7 i really wouldn't recommend trying to get SN, unless you have some sneaky way of obtaining it without it being delivered to your door.

When you get more posts under your belt, feel free to message if you want someone to talk and vent to.

 

[Stylite]

Don't apologize.

Your situation is difficult, yes. But I am praying for you, not that prayer ever works or does anything anyway. Feel free to use this forum as you see fit; complain the day away! That's what it's for.

 

[Viranamari]

I think you should talk to them about your medications. 20 is a really young age for medications. Are there other options like therapy? You have to tell them how you feel and why you do not want medications. I hope your situation gets better.

 

[missingpeace]

God, you must feel so trapped being policed like that, sometimes we don't have an option but just to play along with our current circumstances until we get the trust back. I also go to needless psychiatrist visits, take medications that does nothing for me (pretend to). The less noise I make about it, the more freedom I get to ctb. I know it's hard but its always good to be discreet.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrible to be trapped in that situation, to me it's extreme cruelty to try to force people to stay here, none of us should feel obligated to stay in this hellish world. It's true that it can be so unnecessarily and unfairly difficult to end all the suffering, and we shouldn't have to struggle to leave behind this life that we never even asked for. Suicide should be seen as a personal decision that nobody else has any right to interfere in, and it's unacceptable how it so often isn't.

 

[catastrophix]

Just wanted to say that I read every comment that replied to this, so thank you all for your kindness <3