just talking

[yeaimhere13]

i ran out of my ssri meds today. had to take a smaller dose than usual. ill call my doc office tmr to get a refill i guess. my mom has been screaming and crying all night due to her chronic illness. i feel bad but theres nothing i can do. ill always offer a benzo to help her relax but i guess it just makes her feel brain-fogged and tired, doesnt actually help with anything shes going through. she drinks a lot to cope. has been for my entire life. my dad takes good care of her but he gets frustrated a lot too. especially when she gets too drunk and starts yelling at him for no reason. or when she falls out of their bed in the middle of the night and him and i must help her back up. tonight was bad. she was bleeding everywhere because her skin is so frail. it got all over the carpet and bed sheets. ugh. again, i wish i had a magic pill to make all her pain and suffering go away, but alas, i dont, so i do whatever else i can to help out. ive been feeling really depressed the last few days. ive been taking my meds and all but something still feels off. my intrusive thoughts have been popping back up, and worse, so maybe thats why. i saw a post on here earlier talking about a friend OP made off of SaSu that actually lived in the same city as them so they hung out for multiple days straight doing a bunch of drugs. now im not interested in the type of drugs they did but it would be nice to hang out with someone near me and do lots of xanax or something. we could make a day of it. get breakfast, go to the movies, hit the beach for an hour or so (i live near the beach), go somewhere dark and quiet like a library or kava bar to talk about our traumas.. and then go back home, drink lots of alcohol, take more xanax, put on some music and pass out. sounds like my dream (platonic) date haha. if anyone reading this lives near the orlando area and wants to do the same, hmu. i want to escape my brain for awhile. im quite socially awkward but being around others gets me out of my thoughts.