oh, alright, I'll talk to my therapist about it. that'll help, right?
(my session this week)
me: hey so my family isn't accepting of me being trans. I love them and I can't deal with them treating me this way so I'm feeling suicidal and cutting again for the first time in over a year
therapist: (mocking) you really want to kill yourself because of what your family thinks about your identity?
me: yes, why are you saying that like it's silly for me to feel that way?
therapist: because you want people who have abused you and made you feel rejected!
me: okay so? they're still my family and I love them and want them to be better for me
therapist: well you can get a found family and build strong friendships instead
me: it's not the same as an actual family. it won't change how I've been rejected by the only people expected to love me unconditionally
therapist: you're hurting yourself by having them in your life and trying to get them to accept you. cut them out
me: yeah I tried that and this feeling came back
therapist: okay well you need to make friends so you don't feel like you need your family anymore
me: it's not that easy. it's always going to hurt me
therapist: yeah well, everyone hurts
me: okay...
therapist: so what are we going to do to keep you from cutting this week?
me: well I can't promise anything lmao
therapist: well I need you to be honest and tell me if you do
me: I can't promise that
therapist: I can't continue this relationship if you won't be honest
me: okay then, I'll try my best.. see you next week I guess
but hey, at least they didn't get me involuntarily committed right? well, probably only because I didn't tell them that I'm actively planning and getting myself mentally closer to going through with it, and I already feel like my life is over at this point. sorry, I don't want to lose my human rights and potentially be discriminated against in an environment I can't leave, so I can't be completely honest. those places don't help unless you're impulsively suicidal and the feeling will pass with time, and even in those cases, it's still a traumatizing experience that already traumatized people are subjected to.
seriously, mental healthcare is such a joke. if you're suicidal your problems automatically become frivolous and not worth considering suicide over. like yeah, that approach makes sense when it comes to people who are suicidal temporarily after a breakup or whatever, but someone who is chronically suicidal shouldn't just be outright dismissed like that. "oh it's just your family not accepting you" when that's literally the highest predictor for a trans person killing themselves.
what happened to compassion? yeah I don't expect a therapist to say "yeah you're right you should kill yourself", but that doesn't mean they should act like my reasons aren't valid to be extremely distressed over when they are. if it actually was going to get better for me, then yeah of course suicide is silly. but it's not going to get better. I know it's not.
honestly thinking about stopping therapy so I can just let myself get closer and closer to suicide. at this point I don't think this pain will ever get easier to cope with, and I'm frankly just done hurting. it seems the mental health industry only exists to keep people alive, not to make them feel better, and that is shitty. why keep someone alive who is terminally mentally ill? we don't keep people who have no chance of getting better from a physical illness on life support against their will, right?
please world, just let me die. I don't want to do this anymore
(my session this week)
me: hey so my family isn't accepting of me being trans. I love them and I can't deal with them treating me this way so I'm feeling suicidal and cutting again for the first time in over a year
therapist: (mocking) you really want to kill yourself because of what your family thinks about your identity?
me: yes, why are you saying that like it's silly for me to feel that way?
therapist: because you want people who have abused you and made you feel rejected!
me: okay so? they're still my family and I love them and want them to be better for me
therapist: well you can get a found family and build strong friendships instead
me: it's not the same as an actual family. it won't change how I've been rejected by the only people expected to love me unconditionally
therapist: you're hurting yourself by having them in your life and trying to get them to accept you. cut them out
me: yeah I tried that and this feeling came back
therapist: okay well you need to make friends so you don't feel like you need your family anymore
me: it's not that easy. it's always going to hurt me
therapist: yeah well, everyone hurts
me: okay...
therapist: so what are we going to do to keep you from cutting this week?
me: well I can't promise anything lmao
therapist: well I need you to be honest and tell me if you do
me: I can't promise that
therapist: I can't continue this relationship if you won't be honest
me: okay then, I'll try my best.. see you next week I guess
but hey, at least they didn't get me involuntarily committed right? well, probably only because I didn't tell them that I'm actively planning and getting myself mentally closer to going through with it, and I already feel like my life is over at this point. sorry, I don't want to lose my human rights and potentially be discriminated against in an environment I can't leave, so I can't be completely honest. those places don't help unless you're impulsively suicidal and the feeling will pass with time, and even in those cases, it's still a traumatizing experience that already traumatized people are subjected to.
seriously, mental healthcare is such a joke. if you're suicidal your problems automatically become frivolous and not worth considering suicide over. like yeah, that approach makes sense when it comes to people who are suicidal temporarily after a breakup or whatever, but someone who is chronically suicidal shouldn't just be outright dismissed like that. "oh it's just your family not accepting you" when that's literally the highest predictor for a trans person killing themselves.
what happened to compassion? yeah I don't expect a therapist to say "yeah you're right you should kill yourself", but that doesn't mean they should act like my reasons aren't valid to be extremely distressed over when they are. if it actually was going to get better for me, then yeah of course suicide is silly. but it's not going to get better. I know it's not.
honestly thinking about stopping therapy so I can just let myself get closer and closer to suicide. at this point I don't think this pain will ever get easier to cope with, and I'm frankly just done hurting. it seems the mental health industry only exists to keep people alive, not to make them feel better, and that is shitty. why keep someone alive who is terminally mentally ill? we don't keep people who have no chance of getting better from a physical illness on life support against their will, right?
please world, just let me die. I don't want to do this anymore
