Venting Just pain

[Qua]

Only thing I can feel now is pain. It's as if someone stuck their hand into my chest and wouldn't let go. My head feels like someone is gripping onto it. My family situation always has been bad but it's so draining that when it was supposed to be better and some stuff was supposed to never happen again, it does happen and it feels so much worse. I feel like everything is falling apart and it's just a matter of time when a specific even will repeat.
I can't ctb, my mom wouldn't be able to take it, I can't leave her. But the pain I feel is so draining

edit:
I remember when I was a little girl. When I found out what death was and cried to my mom saying I never want to die. I was so scared of it and the though wouldn't leave my head for weeks. I would pray that it never happens to me, it was so awful. How funny that now death seems like the only way out? Like the only way to solve all the problems. Where is that little girl?

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing here really is something so awful and hopeless, it certainly sounds so tiring being trapped in that situation. But anyway I wish you the best, it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.