Story Just needing to share .

[Unsure and alone]

Sleep med is already trying to take me down but I don't want to fall asleep before at least sharing the important decision I made Today even if figuring out what to say about why has to wait a bit longer.

Today I made a very firm decision that May 7th I'm either going on vacation for my last goal / dream or I'm making another attempt.

I don't have a clue about after....


I guess it's just been rather rough.
Today was a really good day.
I felt a lot of relief telling my family about the vacation thing.

It was really hard and scary to tell them .

They took it a lot better than I expected.
And were actually supportive of me doing that.

We haven't been talking very much about anything.

Last time we "talked " was a fight that had me cutting and really wanting to die in the moment.

Yet despite it being such a good day Today.

I still felt lows . That feeling of I just wanna let go.
I guess that's part of why I've made this decision.

This gives yet another chance for things to get better and tells me how much Time I've got left if it goes badly. I think I do still hope it ends up being vacation. It would be a shame to get so close to what I've been holding onto for and miss it.

And you never know.
Last time I went here , did this , I learned if things were different I could learn to love life again, I wasn't anywhere near this tired then though, even so maybe it will still help me feel a lot better.
Help me shrug off / ignore all the reasons why just while I'm away.

If I make it on vacation of course.

If not then at least I can end the extra misery of failing to get what I want so close to the finish line.


Hmm , well looks like I did manage to finish writing before falling asleep.


Goodnight everyone.
I will check for replies Tomorrow.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I hope you do get your vacation :)

I think that seeking closure for one's own life is a healthy way to approach suicide and since you are actively alive part of doing that can include adding new things to the entirety of the experience. In doing so a person may gain mental skills, fortitude, or life contexts which make life bearable from an unbearable condition. Why not hope for all the miracles at once? It's not illegal lol.

Best wishes and keep writing your thoughts out.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

All the best and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Well I came so close to making another attempt.
But it ended up being vacation.

I'm feeling really low right now though.
I currently can't decide if I want to talk ,
Ask about another way to cope , or look for the best impulsive suicide method.

Odds are though I'll survive the night and wind up at the zoo Tomorrow.

Doesn't mean the night is going to be easy though.

Thanks for wishing the best for me .

 

[SuicidalTiger]

Emjoy your vacation, and good luck with your attempt, I am alittle jealous, you are closer to peace than I am!
Good luck champ, and for what it is worth, I hope you get what you desire! I hope we both do! <3

 

[Unsure and alone]

Enjoy your vacation, and good luck with your attempt, I am a little jealous, you are closer to peace than I am!
Good luck champ, and for what it is worth, I hope you get what you desire! I hope we both do! <3

Well vacation has been great even though exhausting.

Although Today so far has only been drowning in emotion. Stuck inside. So that sucks.

I wish I were close to finding peace but Vacation seems to have helped me feel enough more alive to actually want a life again .

Which is great .it really is .
It's just it hasn't erased the suicidal part of me.
Hasn't erased the pain.

Just given some new life to my exhausted cup.
Even with the horrible moments where I'd definitely have gotten SN out if I could.

I wasn't crazy enough to try and take SN on vacation with me so until I'm back from vacation.
I'm separated from means.

It's a shame I can't just live life on vacation
Although I am most definitely feeling petsick.

Which is homesick but for my pets company not home .

So I'm more conflicted than I was before vacation

Thanks.
I really hope you find peace soon too. whether that's living or dying.

It would be great to have that sought after peace .
Good luck on your journey to find yours.

 

[SuicidalTiger]

Well vacation has been great even though exhausting.

Although Today so far has only been drowning in emotion. Stuck inside. So that sucks.

I wish I were close to finding peace but Vacation seems to have helped me feel enough more alive to actually want a life again .

Which is great .it really is .
It's just it hasn't erased the suicidal part of me.
Hasn't erased the pain.

Just given some new life to my exhausted cup.
Even with the horrible moments where I'd definitely have gotten SN out if I could.

I wasn't crazy enough to try and take SN on vacation with me so until I'm back from vacation.
I'm separated from means.

It's a shame I can't just live life on vacation
Although I am most definitely feeling petsick.

Which is homesick but for my pets company not home .

So I'm more conflicted than I was before vacation

Thanks.
I really hope you find peace soon too. whether that's living or dying.

It would be great to have that sought after peace .
Good luck on your journey to find yours.

Enjoy this small bit of peace, you sould like you deserve it, and thank you... If there is an afterlife, and things are better, maybe we will see eachother there.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Enjoy this small bit of peace, you sould like you deserve it, and thank you... If there is an afterlife, and things are better, maybe we will see eachother there.

Thanks. I appreciate the thought but I'm struggling with wired for worthless.

Tonight just got harder on a rough day.
I'll be making a post on what happened in a little bit.