Just need some motivation

[howey]

Hey yall,

I wanted to open up and share a bit about what's been going on with me. I think everyone comes from unique backgrounds, and sometimes our past shapes us in ways that are hard to understand until we're in the middle of it.
Growing up in a chaotic home, I was always a bit impulsive, and that tendency has led me to make some poor choices. I love my family deeply, but I know I've worried them. I have two older sisters, and an older brother, they are all amazing. But throughout the early stages of my life I nearly got kicked out of my junior boarding school and I eventually got forced to leave high school, halfway through senior year. I've had some pretty big setbacks. Even some of the colleges I had once dreamed of attending rescinded their offers, leaving me feeling like I was completely at rock bottom.

In trying to move forward, I've clung to certain relationships in ways I now realize were unhealthy. I've made mistakes with people who mattered to me, especially with one person who I hurt deeply. I got too focused on her and acted in ways I regret, ultimately losing her trust and the trust of some of my closest friends. Things escalated, and in trying to cover it up out of shame, I only made things worse. Now, she wants nothing to do with me, and I can't blame her for it. The most messed up part is, that we never even had anything intimate. It kind of felt like sometimes she would tease my feelings, but I guess I'm realizing now that I'm just delusional and selfish.

I'm in despair over the hurt I've caused her, my family, and friends. I'm working on facing these issues head-on, and while I know I can't undo the past, I'm committed to making real changes. I'm learning that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to own up to your mistakes and to respect boundaries, even when it's painful.

I don't see suicide as an option for myself, nor do I believe it's a solution. I was baptized about a year ago, and I know it would hurt my heavenly father if I did anything to harm myself. If I were ever to hurt myself, it wouldn't be to make others feel guilty or to cause sorrow for those I've hurt or care about. Some people may see ending their lives as a way to make others feel regret or sadness, but that isn't my intention. If I ever reach that point, it's solely because I find it hard to keep going in this life—not to blame anyone or to be a burden on anyone else's conscience. I hope that, if it ever comes to that, people don't hold anyone else responsible or place blame. It would be my own struggle, nothing more.

Thanks for reading

 

[timf]

It has been said that the best education in the world comes from the school of hard knocks. The problem is that the tuition is so high. The fact that you can look at yourself in truth puts you way ahead of those who see themselves in a mirror distorted by either pride of self-hatred.

You mentioned baptism so I assume you are a Christian. Coming to a point of humility can sound like failure to the world. However, this openness to truth that humility can bring is a sort of like a gateway to the deeper Christian life. I ran across an article for Christians that you might find helpful.

Christian Pioneer - Supernatural Learning

Christian Pioneer - Supernatural Learning

christianpioneer.com

 

[Valhala]

CTB is not a solution but an option. Some people, for various reasons, simply do not want to participate anymore in this show called life, and I respect that as a difficult but individual decision that everyone makes according to their own experience and opinion. Some other people think that it is worth or it is even necessary to stay and continue in spite of everything, which is also one of the options, equally valid as the previous one. I consider the only right of each individual to decide about his own fate to be inviolable, with all that such a decision (whatever it may be) carries with it. with myself.