After laying in bed for almost 2 weeks straight, I mustered the energy to put my plan in to action with the help of some amphetamine (aderall). Not ideal but it's the only way I can get out of my bed.
I chose a secluded spot in state forest under a beautiful tree that I've sat with and meditated before… even climbed and enjoyed. I've always wanted to be buried in nature if I were to die. And seeing as I'm in control of my own exit, that's what I'm doing.
I've chosen to go this way for a few reasons. Mainly because I've always felt a connection to nature and it ties in with the circle of life/death where my physical remains will nourish the forest.
I also do not want my body to be found in any way that will traumatise someone. I'm in no way above anyone who chooses a hotel or other location… Everyone deserves comfort, especially in such a desperate state. But for me and my anxious state, this is important.
The draw back to my method will be if my family wanted a traditional funeral, but I will leave a letter that this is what I wanted and it was not a haphazard decision. I hope this brings them peace in what is already going to be devastating.
I obviously can not bury myself completely, but will build a hatch that camouflages with the wild… kind of like my own tomb with a trap door. I have even leant in to the whole Egyptian theme further where I will bring some meaningful possessions to my "tomb".
I plan on leaving with an exit bag, so am going to experiment with a paper bag that will decompose easier. I hope my bones become dust before any potential land development or worse; I get put up in a museum thousands of years from now on display or studied in a lab. I will also strip down naked to decompose more organically. I can not avoid the metal gas cylinder that will be buried with me. I will drop all the gear with my car, then use a bike to get out there.
My only main concern is if my exit bag method somehow fails and I am somehow left vegetative alone for a slow death so am not sure if to reinforce with sn. But sn seems like an extra hurdle and more research in a plan I already have very limited energy executing. Even when digging, it became very clear how weak my body has become from being bedridden. It's sad because I used to be very fit and strong.
I also need to research more on the possibility I become a missing person as I value my privacy and do not want to draw attention, another reason I'd rather just disappear. Kind of insecure I guess someone might say. But I always feel ashamed being seen mentally ill. I can't hide it and it shows in my eyes. Then I see that they see it and feel awkward or bad for making them feel sad or concerned. Pity makes me extremely uncomfortable, so I hide away.
The grief I am going to leave my loved ones became very apparent as I sat in my grave. It truly breaks my heart leaving them such grief, but at the same time, it's not like I see anyone anyway. I've become isolated anyway and destroyed most of my relationships. I do not go feeling unloved, which is only going to make this harder. I hope they understand and can find peace. Suffering is one thing but I suffer twice when I inflict it on others. But there is simply no way around grief from catching the ol bus.
Anyway, just wanted to share.
I chose a secluded spot in state forest under a beautiful tree that I've sat with and meditated before… even climbed and enjoyed. I've always wanted to be buried in nature if I were to die. And seeing as I'm in control of my own exit, that's what I'm doing.
I've chosen to go this way for a few reasons. Mainly because I've always felt a connection to nature and it ties in with the circle of life/death where my physical remains will nourish the forest.
I also do not want my body to be found in any way that will traumatise someone. I'm in no way above anyone who chooses a hotel or other location… Everyone deserves comfort, especially in such a desperate state. But for me and my anxious state, this is important.
The draw back to my method will be if my family wanted a traditional funeral, but I will leave a letter that this is what I wanted and it was not a haphazard decision. I hope this brings them peace in what is already going to be devastating.
I obviously can not bury myself completely, but will build a hatch that camouflages with the wild… kind of like my own tomb with a trap door. I have even leant in to the whole Egyptian theme further where I will bring some meaningful possessions to my "tomb".
I plan on leaving with an exit bag, so am going to experiment with a paper bag that will decompose easier. I hope my bones become dust before any potential land development or worse; I get put up in a museum thousands of years from now on display or studied in a lab. I will also strip down naked to decompose more organically. I can not avoid the metal gas cylinder that will be buried with me. I will drop all the gear with my car, then use a bike to get out there.
My only main concern is if my exit bag method somehow fails and I am somehow left vegetative alone for a slow death so am not sure if to reinforce with sn. But sn seems like an extra hurdle and more research in a plan I already have very limited energy executing. Even when digging, it became very clear how weak my body has become from being bedridden. It's sad because I used to be very fit and strong.
I also need to research more on the possibility I become a missing person as I value my privacy and do not want to draw attention, another reason I'd rather just disappear. Kind of insecure I guess someone might say. But I always feel ashamed being seen mentally ill. I can't hide it and it shows in my eyes. Then I see that they see it and feel awkward or bad for making them feel sad or concerned. Pity makes me extremely uncomfortable, so I hide away.
The grief I am going to leave my loved ones became very apparent as I sat in my grave. It truly breaks my heart leaving them such grief, but at the same time, it's not like I see anyone anyway. I've become isolated anyway and destroyed most of my relationships. I do not go feeling unloved, which is only going to make this harder. I hope they understand and can find peace. Suffering is one thing but I suffer twice when I inflict it on others. But there is simply no way around grief from catching the ol bus.
Anyway, just wanted to share.
