Venting Just blowing off some steam here

[SueAsyde]

I started my healing process in 2023 by going into a psych ward. After that i went to a day clinic and lately i went to a rehabilitation clinic. At the psych ward i got a SSRI which made me more distant from my feelings and didn't even get rid off the darkest hole full of suicidal thoughts. At the rehab clinic (It was a clinic mostly for people with burn out but also depression, anxiety and personality disorders) I stopped taking them because it was a safe environment. I sure as heck had some amazing moments. Even met a girl in the rehab clinic. We have feelings for each other. But as you guys know there's something bad about it. She's an poly-relationship person and I'm a monogamy-person. So there's that. We hang out with each other, both of us don't want to miss out on each other but it's like loving in the void. Maybe it's better that way, that way we won't get too attached. The suicidal thoughts I have since age 6 haven't disappeared neither. I think about doing it everytime even when she's around, sometimes she sees my pain but it doesn't seem like she sees what's behind the wall completely. Isn't it funny that the one thing which is love I so desperately need is handed to me in a way that's hurting me and yet I latch onto it because it's more than I probably ever get? Damn, it's another human connection I'd hurt when I'm gonna leave this place.
All the questions that are running through my head are without a doubt ones that can't be answered. All of the things I want get served to me in a way that's so bittersweet. There's nothing in here that's unconditional. Everything needs some work and I can feel how exhausting it gets and I don't know if even after all the healing I've had if I can even do it for much longer

sorry for the self loathing here, can't tell anyone else

 

[Jadeith]

sorry for the self loathing here

Don't be. It's supposed to be a safe space here.