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Motoko

Member
Feb 27, 2020
83
I'm just so powerless.

I will be 30 years old soon. Lately I've been feeling like it's getting just darker and crazier.

I had an alcoholic dad. I had to watch him beating up my mother. I was scared of him for most of the time. My parents got a divorce. Turned out there's a pattern. Every time my mom met a new guy, he was also an alcoholic. She had to feed her pathological hunger by providing our house with abusive, scary situations. Some of those guys used to live with us.

My grandma moved in into our house. She is an alcoholic and she was also making a lot of troubles.

Then my mother met another guy and she got pregnant. So basically it was me, my mom, her boyfriend, new born sister and grandma in a small apartment. Me in one room and 4 of them in another room.

Then my mom and this guy broke up and he moved out. There was again some new guy and same pathological pattern with alcoholics. Even when she wasn't meeting anyone, she would invite people for drinking and arguing.
It's hardwired in her subconscious and she basically destroyed this home.

Worst thing happened in 2016 when she met a dude who just left a prison. He moved into our house. Then it was like my mother finally showed her true face. She stopped hiding behind the mask anymore. She became such an evil, I have no words. I suspect she was actually always like this and she was actually good at hiding and lying. The bubble of illusion I was living in, it just burst.

She even said two times that she regrets that I'm her son.

I couldn't take it anymore in 2016 with this new guy. My father's partner allowed me to move in into one of her empty apartments. I pay for a rent and bills. The conditions here are AWFUL. I have a balcony full of pigeons. My father's partner doesn't allow to install a net over the balcony. I stopped cleaning up this balcony because pigeons always return. There are huge piles of bird shit everywhere. There are a lot of the bugs in the house. Just yesterday I had a tick on a bed. I don't have a fridge, washing machine. I wash clothes and dishes in a bathtub. Everything here is at least 30 years old.
Btw. my dad wanted to kick me out of this house twice.

I can't move out to different apartment. I have no guts. I'm not going to pay someone 1/2 of my salary for a studio flat. I'm also not going to rent a room and live with strangers. This is beyond me. I can't do it. I tried, I even signed a rental agreement a few times, but after 1-3 days I had to cancel it and I ran away because I just couldn't do it.

Without going into details, my physical and mental health got destroyed thorough the years. I'm not the same person that I used to be.

Sometimes I meet with my sister. She lives with mother, this prison dude, grandma (she became sick and is stuck to bed, she doesn't drink anymore). Sister lives in her own room (my old room). This dude sometimes beats up our mother. And mother always forgives him. Sometimes they break up and he moves out, but after a few weeks they end up together. It's been like this for 8 years.

It fucking sucks that I feel like I'm forced to somehow help with this situation, but I don't have the strength. I can't rent apartment for me. I can't hold a job for too long, because I'm pathetic and not disciplined. I was growing up without male figure. I can't rely on myself and my health to provide stabilization.

I'm so sick of living here, sometimes I think about going "all-in" and just moving back to this old house. If I was raised there, maybe this is where it's supposed to end. But I know it's almost impossible now.
 
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