Help Journalling backfiring

[Warlord's Pulse]

Few days ago, I started to notice that my journal is ruminating my bad thoughts and feelings. In some way, a lot of my journal even looks like Goebbels' journal before he was a member of Nazi party.
It was supposed to help me, but I'm starting to feel bad, as my progress is slow, and I always tell myself "ok, I just need to do XXXX now" but ends up not doing anyway, it's so hard to not procrastinate, to not distract myself, to be able to quickly get out of bed.
I see my days, I see that I was uneffective, and them I start to blame myself.
Important to notice that I am, for now, recovering from a surgical procedure, specifically PRK in both eyes, so ok, I need to be more gentle to myself, but even so, by the time I didn't work, I relapsed to old addictions like smartphone/youtube.
It's just a goddamn cycle, I fix my diet, sleep schedule, even start to go to the gym, prepare my work station for when I recover, but I still feel bad, suicidality is just a part of me, I'm thinking about suicide WHILE I do these things, while I'm pulling heavy weights, while I'm with friends, while I'm gaming, just... wtf? what I'm supposed to do now?
Ok, ok, I admit, since I started my journal, a lot happened, I did a lot of things, learned new things (touch typing for example, that I always had the interest to learn but always self-sabotaged saying to myself that I'm too dumb to learn this or that) Anyway, I still feel bad. How can I overcome this, after all?

PS: not to mention that I suffer from Maladaptative Daydreaming so it takes ages to write my journal entry

 

[shiny_quill]

Slow progress is still progress. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to be as productive as we can, all the time, to the point where we're made to feel like even rest should only be used to maximize productivity, but really? No. It's okay to just procrastinate sometimes, it's okay to stare at the ceiling for no reason, it's ok to have days where you're stuck in bed and don't do anything and not have to overwork yourself the next day to "catch up", there's no shame in that.

You sound really burnt out (to me), partially because you seem to put a lot of effort in your own recovery, so it takes you a lot of energy which you can't invest in things that would be deemed "more productive" so there's a bit of a guilt cycle because you feel guilty for not being productive, so you sink lower, so you put more effort in your recovery, so you feel guilty and so on. I might be completely wrong however, but that's how I perceive things.

I'm not really sure what to give you for advice, but please remember that your value isn't determined by how productive you are, or how much you can bring to others, it doesn't really matter all that much if you solve world hunger or lay in bed all day, in the end you're still a human being deserving of love and respect.

P.S. : I'm really sorry I can't be of more help, but I hope you'll get better, at your own pace. Wishing you all the best.