I’ve tried so hard but I’m at a loss right now.

[ThatStateOfMind]

I don't know what to flair this with. Yesterday and today have been the worst days of my life recently.

To start off with the obvious, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I was single this year. Then I started vomiting halfway through the day, I had a stomach virus. I had plans to buy myself some food and treat myself but those plans flew out the window when I couldn't stop vomiting. I was stuck in the house all day.

Then today, I felt better, I thought today might be okay. Nope. Fuck no of course it wasn't. My car battery died and I had to get it jumped to get it running again, then I messaged my ex who has, admittedly, been a bit of a rock to lean on, which may have been a mistake in hindsight. I asked her if I could vent to her about everything and she's hanging out with her boyfriend, who is also my old friend, today.

I don't want to live anymore or trust anyone ever again. If I'm dead, the blood is on her hands. My mom has been the one keeping me alive but I'm so close to the edge right now, I didn't want my ex to have survivors guilt but I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. Maybe life will improve, I hope so, but I'm so close to just making some rash decision.

I'll update this when I get more info or make decisions I guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it's so awful and unfair when what we go through just continues to get worse, it's one of the most horrible things about existing how there is no limit as to how much we can potentially suffer, it's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Of course it's so awful and unfair when what we go through just continues to get worse, it's one of the most horrible things about existing how there is no limit as to how much we can potentially suffer, it's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

Thank you. I appreciate your well wishes. I agree, the world is a cruel place with zero bounds to the cruelty we endure on a day to day basis. I never knew I could hurt this much over a girl honestly.

Also, it's nice to see you post, you've commented on a lot of my posts and it's always nice to see your insight.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. Some days just dump more shit than others. I hope your stomach is feeling better. I still believe that you can find some healing and peace with your former relationship.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm sorry. Some days just dump more shit than others. I hope your stomach is feeling better. I still believe that you can find some healing and peace with your former relationship.

Yeah my stomach is feeling much better today than yesterday. I hope I can, but I'm so unsure, I have PTSD and attachment issues from a previous traumatic so I'm still very attached to her. I attach so easily to people and I get very clingy and I can't break it off completely.

 

[EndlessDream]

I don't know what to flair this with. Yesterday and today have been the worst days of my life recently.

To start off with the obvious, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I was single this year. Then I started vomiting halfway through the day, I had a stomach virus. I had plans to buy myself some food and treat myself but those plans flew out the window when I couldn't stop vomiting. I was stuck in the house all day.

Then today, I felt better, I thought today might be okay. Nope. Fuck no of course it wasn't. My car battery died and I had to get it jumped to get it running again, then I messaged my ex who has, admittedly, been a bit of a rock to lean on, which may have been a mistake in hindsight. I asked her if I could vent to her about everything and she's hanging out with her boyfriend, who is also my old friend, today.

I don't want to live anymore or trust anyone ever again. If I'm dead, the blood is on her hands. My mom has been the one keeping me alive but I'm so close to the edge right now, I didn't want my ex to have survivors guilt but I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. Maybe life will improve, I hope so, but I'm so close to just making some rash decision.

I'll update this when I get more info or make decisions I guess.

That's a tough bunch of events and sorry to hear that. I think life just dumps 20 different things on someone and it's fucked. I'd really wanna cut contact or be distanct from your ex if I were in your shoes because talking to her would make me feel weak (if she's talking with an old friend).

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah my stomach is feeling much better today than yesterday. I hope I can, but I'm so unsure, I have PTSD and attachment issues from a previous traumatic so I'm still very attached to her. I attach so easily to people and I get very clingy and I can't break it off completely.

Hmm. Well if you still harbor romantic feelings towards her then that kind of makes friendship unviable. But it's good that you are able to recognize the source of your conflicted feelings because now you know part of what you are feeling is just a trauma reaction and not all stemming from the relationship itself.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hmm. Well if you still harbor romantic feelings towards her then that kind of makes friendship unviable. But it's good that you are able to recognize the source of your conflicted feelings because now you know part of what you are feeling is just a trauma reaction and not all stemming from the relationship itself.

I unfortunately still do, but she admitted she still has feelings for me, and she's never lied before. So it's a very complicated situation. According to her, she got with this guy to try and get over me but it hasn't worked. His family hates her, especially his dad, she's banned from coming to his house. Mainly due to his dad being racist (his dads black and doesn't trust white people, even banning him from going to a store with me because he said I might steal and blame it on him). Idk it's just a very strange situation and I see no easy way out right now.

That's a tough bunch of events and sorry to hear that. I think life just dumps 20 different things on someone and it's fucked. I'd really wanna cut contact or be distanct from your ex if I were in your shoes because talking to her would make me feel weak (if she's talking with an old friend).

She is, but she's still a very big emotional support. She's not an awful person, she still helps me through tough times, and cares about me. Hell, even her supporting me is happening behind her boyfriends back because he hates me. She deletes all of our messages, so he doesn't see them.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I unfortunately still do, but she admitted she still has feelings for me, and she's never lied before. So it's a very complicated situation. According to her, she got with this guy to try and get over me but it hasn't worked. His family hates her, especially his dad, she's banned from coming to his house. Mainly due to his dad being racist (his dads black and doesn't trust white people, even banning him from going to a store with me because he said I might steal and blame it on him). Idk it's just a very strange situation and I see no easy way out right now.

She is, but she's still a very big emotional support. She's not an awful person, she still helps me through tough times, and cares about me. Hell, even her supporting me is happening behind her boyfriends back because he hates me. She deletes all of our messages, so he doesn't see them.

Sounds like a very messy situation. It probably would even be easier in a way if she wanted nothing to do with you because the residual bond you two still feel makes things harder and more confusing. You had posted a little while ago that you felt okay. I gather that feeling changed of course, but if you were there maybe you can get there again.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Sounds like a very messy situation. It probably would even be easier in a way if she wanted nothing to do with you because the residual bond you two still feel makes things harder and more confusing. You had posted a little while ago that you felt okay. I gather that feeling changed of course, but if you were there maybe you can get there again.

Yeah my emotions are all over the place, I was feeling good, but yeah it changed. I think I can get there but it's gonna be hard.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah my emotions are all over the place, I was feeling good, but yeah it changed. I think I can get there but it's gonna be hard.

Probably worth sticking it out some more through your current turmoil before making the decision to CTB.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Probably worth sticking it out some more through your current turmoil before making the decision to CTB.

Thanks for your support, after sleeping on it, I feel much better. I guess my car troubles pushed me over the edge yesterday. Everything was just stacking. I suppose I do have things to be appreciative of, like at least my alternator isn't messed up, it's more expensive than just replacing a battery if I had to replace anything.

Thank you for being kind to me yesterday, the situation I'm in is sticky, she's in another relationship but she also has feelings for me that I also reciprocate, but at the same time wants to give him a fair chance. I would just cut her off but we've been friends for so long (~5 years now), that I don't just want to drop the friendship. I'm very grateful for the kindness you showed yesterday and helping me see some reason in dark times.