I’ve decided I’m going to kill myself in August.

[m3nhera]

Of course, "the future is unpredictable" but I already know things won't get better. I've been shown that time and time again. My parents have been extra abusive lately(psychological torture just to clarify, sorry it's just I used to get heavily physically abused and CPS was NOT fun to deal with as a child, so if I don't clarify it's not physical anymore, I'm paranoid someone will somehow find this and send them to my house. Irrational, I know.) and unfortunately I finally give up on life.

For some strange reason I had a glimmer of hope for brighter days, maybe it was the meds fucking with my head, my wonderful bf making me think life is worth living, being in denial that this is how my life is, maybe it's a million things combined. Despite wanting to die for years, this decision is really sad to me, because I didn't want it to end this way.

If someone ctb's, it should be their own choice, for them only. Not because of other people pressuring them to do this or that, pressuring them into feeling like they have no choice even if they don't truly WANT to die, making them feel there is truly no other option. Making them feel like it isn't even their own choice anymore. It's sickening. And every time someone with abusive parents kills themselves, it sickens me. It's different from someone committing suicide on their own accord. I think abusive parents pushing their kids(I'm 18, when I say kids I mean literally their kids, not about age) to suicide should be considered murder. That sounds extreme so I would like to clarify, I DO NOT think abortion or anything like that is killing kids or whatever, I only feel and have such an extreme opinion when it comes to what I mentioned earlier. But anyways, if someone commits suicide for themselves to find peace, it's different. It's freeing for them. But when abusive parents push someone to kill themselves, it's like surrendering to them, letting them win. And they get away with it because nobody seems to think that's murder besides me. I think thousands of people have died due to this, and I don't want to add to that number. Because it just adds to this problem in society. When someone who could've had a good future and a good life kills themselves because of this, an angel dies.

It's such a stereotypical sad story. Someone gets abused since they were a child, up until the present day. And before they even get a chance to be able to get away and experience life on their own, they die. So close too. If they had just stayed long enough to be financially stable enough to get away from their parents, it's very likely life would've gotten better(even though that's a cliché). That wasn't the issue. Not that the future would be worse.

It's even more painful KNOWING this, I KNOW things will get better when I move out and I'm sure others in similar situations know deep down too. Life as a whole isn't always hopeless. But it's just that there is only so much pain and torture a person can take.

I really wanted to go to college, and move in with my boyfriend, and be free. I wanted to travel and find a good job and marry the love of my life, I wanted to experience life without my parents, but I can't do this for much longer. I will never get to do those things since I'm killing myself before the time ever comes. Unfortunately, after 18 painful years of life, I am throwing in the towel in a few months. I give up.

This all still makes me really sad, and I will miss my bf the most :(. I don't want to cause him pain because of my pain, but this is the only choice I have. I can't suffer anymore. What if when I die, he blames himself? Wonders what he could've done, if maybe he could've saved me, why he didn't see it coming, why I didn't tell him I was thinking of doing this, but it's not like that. There is nothing he, or anyone could do to change my mind. Well, maybe if my parents stopped abusing me I'd change my mind, but that will obviously never happen. I want him to know in my letter when I'm gone that it's not his fault and there was nothing he could've done to save me. Despite all the darkness, and depression I have dealt with since childhood, when we first met, I felt something I never had before. And he is the only person that ever made me want to live.

It's a shame things will have to end this way. I miss him already and I'm still alive, the months will fly by and soon it'll be time for me to die. It was inevitable. I've known that since I was younger, but still I fought as hard as I could to avoid the inevitable. But that's the thing about it, it's unavoidable. I'm just gonna be another sad story of someone not making it due to abusive parents. And the world will keep being this way, and parents will still be evil, and the world will remain a terrible, terrible place. I know it's a few months ahead but when I see my bf for the last time, I think I will cry. Any tips on how to avoid crying?

 

[telekon]

When I turned 29 my parents wouldn't give me a roof over my head when I needed it most. I was finally getting on my feet with a good stable job for the first time in my life, but it all fell apart after a year as I tried to navigate being on the verge of homelessness. I lived on my own for a while before that but the economy is terrible. Nobody understands. I'm a failure and a mooch. I seriously considered hanging myself. I sent them an angry letter and called my mom a bitch in it. My sister won't talk to me and doesn't want me around her kids. And it's all because I yelled at my mom once; I said "fuck" to the ceiling. I have major depression and severe bipolar (possible other comorbids) and I manage them wonderfully, but you snap one time and you're out... They are not worth it.

Yeah, I think they drove me to suicide with their gaslighting, bullying, and policy of benign neglect. Not for anything but they also lied about it to my grandmother saying "We tried to give him a place to live! The basement wasn't good enough for him!" Yeah I think you can all go to hell

How do I avoid crying? Sublimation. Anger, work, music, sex... possibly drugs but that can be risky. Seriously fucked myself with sweaty palms for months smoking weed recently... I numb the pain sometimes but it's better to get revenge by bettering yourself.

They HATE that I'm not talking to them but surviving and talking to everyone else. They cry and everyone tells me to call them to apologize. What the hell should I apologize for? I'm the one who's on my death bed.

 

[m3nhera]

When I turned 29 my parents wouldn't give me a roof over my head when I needed it most. I was finally getting on my feet with a good stable job for the first time in my life, but it all fell apart after a year as I tried to navigate being on the verge of homelessness. I lived on my own for a while before that but the economy is terrible. Nobody understands. I'm a failure and a mooch. I seriously considered hanging myself. I sent them an angry letter and called my mom a bitch in it. My sister won't talk to me and doesn't want me around her kids. And it's all because I yelled at my mom once; I said "fuck" to the ceiling. I have major depression and severe bipolar (possible other comorbids) and I manage them wonderfully, but you snap one time and you're out... They are not worth it.

Yeah, I think they drove me to suicide with their gaslighting, bullying, and policy of benign neglect. Not for anything but they also lied about it to my grandmother saying "We tried to give him a place to live! The basement wasn't good enough for him!" Yeah I think you can all go to hell

How do I avoid crying? Sublimation. Anger, work, music, sex... possibly drugs but that can be risky. Seriously fucked myself with sweaty palms for months smoking weed recently... I numb the pain sometimes but it's better to get revenge by bettering yourself.

They HATE that I'm not talking to them but surviving and talking to everyone else. They cry and everyone tells me to call them to apologize. What the hell should I apologize for? I'm the one who's on my death bed.

Family can be so evil and then people act like YOU'RE the bad one for reacting like a normal person. I'm glad you didn't let them win. Like I said in my post, suicide should be a personal choice, not from family pushing you to do it. Don't let them pressure you into doing ANYTHING. Also no money for drugs(not including my actual medication(s). So it kinda feels like rawdogging life lol. But these do help, it's just no pill or drug or whatever can fix the true issue at hand. I think I'm better off dead. I'm so torn though. My life is an endless cycle of changing my mind, and even when I truly feel I have decided suicide is the only option for me, when I get to see my bf, and look into his eyes, I always change my mind.