Method Its time

[letmeseethedeath]

Hey, it's none of my business but 17/18 does sound young to CTB. I've lived with intense thoughts of suicide/self harm for 16 years and it has not been an easy ride, and as much as I wish I would have died earlier I'm grateful for many experiences I've had along the way. Are there any final things you'd like to do? Final adventures? Bucket list items? You can always carry a rope/belt etc. with you and CTB on a friendly tree or something on a whim. Since you're going to be DEAD, FOREVER, SOON, nothing can really hurt you, not for long anyways...so you just might consider living a few more days...or, even, just one more day. (I myself start to freak out if I think of myself living for even days more...but 1 at a time I've been going all year.)

It's your life, so do as you wish. I sincerely wish you peace and a hopefully pleasant passage (hanging sounds painful...I'm going with inert gas myself.)

Also what gas you chose? I want some advice

 

[Lara Francis]

Hugs Christina x

 

[Sanguinius]

*hugs and all the best. May you find peace and love, here or on the other side.
Remember, you can always catch the bus, it won't drive away until you're safe on the inside...

 

[ausboy96]

Good luck, I hope you don't suffer for much longer x

 

[dyingtodie]

Thanks @
letmeseethedeath (Great name, by the way) This is quite understandable, and I would certainly hate to dissuade someone with such intense suffering from doing what they deem is best to alleviate that suffering, especially if they've reached the mountain peak. I too live with the 'constant need to die' and...it's getting worse and only improving through acceptance and understanding my peaceful self-deliverance method. The snow and cold outside aren't helping my trapped, claustrophobic, pressurized feeling. I know I'd feel better if I move into my van and drive to Florida (which is important to me because I want to be in a high, clear, happy-ish state when I fly away) but I've been there, done that...and have no motivation to do much...but I could really use some help cause I just...there's still some songs I want to listen to :) and most importantly some hallucinogens I've wanted to try my whole life and just haven't gotten around to.

Well, I've been reading Exit International's book (available free on Scribd with free trial, or Amazon) and I do not wish to advise anyone as this can be legally dangerous, and keep me from reaching my destination. Helium is a Noble gas, and is the second lightest gas or element I understand...so it fits my personality.

My suicidal thoughts started at 15...though In a sense as early as 7 or 8 as I swore that if I grew up to be a homosexual I'd have to ctb, as growing up in a homophobic household, this was unacceptable. I had had a confusing unwanted homosexual experience at age 5, with a 6 year old who coerced me into it. I enjoyed the experience as my body was naturally responding to physical stimuli, even though my innocent soul knew something bad was happening. The real Trauma was the household homophobia that forced me to keep quiet til my late teens when I did the most difficult thing ever and shared my experience with my therapist, then my two siblings, my best friend, and my parents. This was huge in helping me unburden myself of deeply held shame...which honestly is so deeply in my bones along with feelings of worthlessness, I don't have hope for recovery. My upbringing til then had somehow made me ripe to be victimized in such a way. These kind of traumas can be so crucial to understand/untangle for someone to have a chance at wellness. There's nothing wrong with me for having these thoughts. They are completely appropriate considering the horrific nature of our species and the decimated state of our planet.

Some of the pros to ctb earlier in life, for me, would have been that I would have avoided entering into relationships/friendships with people who later would be hurt and possibly traumatized by my bus catching. Still...the growth and pleasantly beautiful experiences were probably worthwhile. I've chosen isolation this year as I'm so close to the end, I just can't befriend aquaintances I adore because I don't want to hurt them...and, I will...like the song "Hurt" - "everyone I know, goes away, in the end..."

I've made some big mistakes in my life when I have been 100% certain I will soon CTB. Like, re-addicting myself to drugs that I had successfully quit. Then, since I didn't die, I'd just be struggling with a shitty addiction which would just make me want to ctb even more. There's a downhill mountain bike near by...maybe I should finally check it out, since at this point, if I 'total' my body, I won't have to endure the pain for long.

My mindset for years was to never give up, never quitting. Quitting takes effort (as we all know here) and if I simply did not act on my bus catching desires...I could keep going. At this point, I don't see myself as 'giving up' but rather, courageously facing my mortality, delivering myself back to my loving creator. I feel I've explored this realm deeply enough and long enough to be at peace with my desire. Most people will never understand the Courage that it takes to CTB, especially in our death denying culture. Though maybe not for everyone...because I think some people do it impulsively, and spend little time in the ruminative purgatory of suicidality, and good for some of them, and for others I wish they'd hung around longer to see what is on the other side of their predicament, while alive. Joy comes in the Mourning...or in the morning. After a night of crying myself to sleep, I always find I am in touch with greater peace, joy...closer to my god...closer to my self and my silly inside jokes and fantasies. It doesn't change my terminal self diagnosis, but I at least get to enjoy myself for a few more moments...and since this potentially temporary personality will soon obliterate into oblivion, why not? I've had writers block for some time, so better to express than repress as thoughts are flowing, cause I can't be knowing who may be serviced by my rambling.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

Thanks @
letmeseethedeath (Great name, by the way) This is quite understandable, and I would certainly hate to dissuade someone with such intense suffering from doing what they deem is best to alleviate that suffering, especially if they've reached the mountain peak. I too live with the 'constant need to die' and...it's getting worse and only improving through acceptance and understanding my peaceful self-deliverance method. The snow and cold outside aren't helping my trapped, claustrophobic, pressurized feeling. I know I'd feel better if I move into my van and drive to Florida (which is important to me because I want to be in a high, clear, happy-ish state when I fly away) but I've been there, done that...and have no motivation to do much...but I could really use some help cause I just...there's still some songs I want to listen to :) and most importantly some hallucinogens I've wanted to try my whole life and just haven't gotten around to.

Well, I've been reading Exit International's book (available free on Scribd with free trial, or Amazon) and I do not wish to advise anyone as this can be legally dangerous, and keep me from reaching my destination. Helium is a Noble gas, and is the second lightest gas or element I understand...so it fits my personality.

My suicidal thoughts started at 15...though In a sense as early as 7 or 8 as I swore that if I grew up to be a homosexual I'd have to ctb, as growing up in a homophobic household, this was unacceptable. I had had a confusing unwanted homosexual experience at age 5, with a 6 year old who coerced me into it. I enjoyed the experience as my body was naturally responding to physical stimuli, even though my innocent soul knew something bad was happening. The real Trauma was the household homophobia that forced me to keep quiet til my late teens when I did the most difficult thing ever and shared my experience with my therapist, then my two siblings, my best friend, and my parents. This was huge in helping me unburden myself of deeply held shame...which honestly is so deeply in my bones along with feelings of worthlessness, I don't have hope for recovery. My upbringing til then had somehow made me ripe to be victimized in such a way. These kind of traumas can be so crucial to understand/untangle for someone to have a chance at wellness. There's nothing wrong with me for having these thoughts. They are completely appropriate considering the horrific nature of our species and the decimated state of our planet.

Some of the pros to ctb earlier in life, for me, would have been that I would have avoided entering into relationships/friendships with people who later would be hurt and possibly traumatized by my bus catching. Still...the growth and pleasantly beautiful experiences were probably worthwhile. I've chosen isolation this year as I'm so close to the end, I just can't befriend aquaintances I adore because I don't want to hurt them...and, I will...like the song "Hurt" - "everyone I know, goes away, in the end..."

I've made some big mistakes in my life when I have been 100% certain I will soon CTB. Like, re-addicting myself to drugs that I had successfully quit. Then, since I didn't die, I'd just be struggling with a shitty addiction which would just make me want to ctb even more. There's a downhill mountain bike near by...maybe I should finally check it out, since at this point, if I 'total' my body, I won't have to endure the pain for long.

My mindset for years was to never give up, never quitting. Quitting takes effort (as we all know here) and if I simply did not act on my bus catching desires...I could keep going. At this point, I don't see myself as 'giving up' but rather, courageously facing my mortality, delivering myself back to my loving creator. I feel I've explored this realm deeply enough and long enough to be at peace with my desire. Most people will never understand the Courage that it takes to CTB, especially in our death denying culture. Though maybe not for everyone...because I think some people do it impulsively, and spend little time in the ruminative purgatory of suicidality, and good for some of them, and for others I wish they'd hung around longer to see what is on the other side of their predicament, while alive. Joy comes in the Mourning...or in the morning. After a night of crying myself to sleep, I always find I am in touch with greater peace, joy...closer to my god...closer to my self and my silly inside jokes and fantasies. It doesn't change my terminal self diagnosis, but I at least get to enjoy myself for a few more moments...and since this potentially temporary personality will soon obliterate into oblivion, why not? I've had writers block for some time, so better to express than repress as thoughts are flowing, cause I can't be knowing who may be serviced by my rambling.

I understand you 100%, my family do the same with me.. they're so homofobic. I'm homosexual and i want to start Ftm so bad but my family said they prefer me died :(
Also we have the same way of thinking, if you want we can talk in Pm. I'd like to share my thoughts with you and of course with all the people who want to

 

[dyingtodie]

@
letmeseethedeath
That's a bummer. Sure we could PM but I do not know how so you can try to message me if you like.