it’s so hard not to quit therapy

[dinosavr]

I've started psychotherapy 3 months ago when I had to face the decision - dying sometime soon or trying to "recover" and live a normal life.

I obviously chose life for now and I have to admit it's better now. "Better" from pro-life point of view. I definitely have less suicidal thoughts, it's not as intrusive as it used to be.
But nothing changes with my approach to life. I still wish I was dead, and I still wish I could be supported in that too, just like I'm supported in my recovery- by my friends, family, psychotherapist and psychiatrist.

I know there's no way I could ever get them on my side. They will never understand. And that's why I'm forcing myself to go on with recovery.

And when I'm able to fool myself enough to believe that this is what I want for myself either, it's okay. But most of the time I just fucking want to give up, relapse, turn everyone down, rott in my bed and eventually die.

You guys are always helpful because you know how it feels to be on "I don't want to wake up tomorrow" side of the story.
What's your opinion on that? What helps you stay in therapy? I really don't want to let anyone down but also I don't see why I should go on pretending and keep living just because my family wants me to. I'm actually not that important of a person.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

What makes you want to die? Is it lack of believing that you could feel better?

For me what's helping me staying in therapy currently is the new psychologist that seems to be even knowgeable and with who I'm trying new things. The other part is that I don't want to believe I have BPD, I want to believe I can be normal, otherwise it feels like there is little reason to try.

 

[dinosavr]

What makes you want to die? Is it lack of believing that you could feel better?

For me what's helping me staying in therapy currently is the new psychologist that seems to be even knowgeable and with who I'm trying new things. The other part is that I don't want to believe I have BPD, I want to believe I can be normal, otherwise it feels like there is little reason to try.

I'm glad you found a psychologist that can help you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your journey

My psychologist also has good reviews and it feels like she's good at her job. The problem is I don't think I want to get better. Not just that I don't believe that. I think that even with a healthy mind and the best life circumstances, I'd still be better off dead.

And I'm trying my best not to think about it like "we all die anyway so I can just as well kill myself now" but more like "I don't have to kill myself because we all die anyway" but it's hard.

 

[Jup_not_gup]

I've started psychotherapy 3 months ago when I had to face the decision - dying sometime soon or trying to "recover" and live a normal life.

I obviously chose life for now and I have to admit it's better now. "Better" from pro-life point of view. I definitely have less suicidal thoughts, it's not as intrusive as it used to be.
But nothing changes with my approach to life. I still wish I was dead, and I still wish I could be supported in that too, just like I'm supported in my recovery- by my friends, family, psychotherapist and psychiatrist.

I know there's no way I could ever get them on my side. They will never understand. And that's why I'm forcing myself to go on with recovery.

And when I'm able to fool myself enough to believe that this is what I want for myself either, it's okay. But most of the time I just fucking want to give up, relapse, turn everyone down, rott in my bed and eventually die.

You guys are always helpful because you know how it feels to be on "I don't want to wake up tomorrow" side of the story.
What's your opinion on that? What helps you stay in therapy? I really don't want to let anyone down but also I don't see why I should go on pretending and keep living just because my family wants me to. I'm actually not that important of a person.

Its hard for me too to tell the therapist i wanna quit but i think ill quit when ill cbt (hoping the therapist doesnt feel like its her fault)

 

[dinosavr]

Its hard for me too to tell the therapist i wanna quit but i think ill quit when ill cbt (hoping the therapist doesnt feel like its her fault)

Oh I think it's a good idea to include that in your goodbye note. I'm definitely going to mention that my psychologist and psychiatrist did their best to keep me alive :') After all, I really am grateful for what they do to help me.

Also, in my case I forgot to mention the worst problem which is - I signed up a therapy contract for 12 sessions only. There are 3 or 4 left and my therapist keeps saying it's 100% my decision and she obviously cannot force me to stay. I know that if we didn't have the date set, I'd never find courage to tell her assertively that I want to quit.

And now I basically have the door open and I sit by the door and can't decide whether to go or stay. And I'm so frustrated I even am in need of therapy.
And there are so many people who would kill for a good therapist but can't afford it. I feel incredibly guilty!

 

[theboy]

i understand. i'm in therapy but i still wish i was dead. i really don't know what will become of me when i "finish" therapy. but what keeps me in therapy is the slim hope i have of healing my mind. basically i live for family.