Discussion it’s really unfortunate

[iwashere]

this might come off borderline narcissistic and psychopathic, i don't know haha. i've had insane tunnel vision towards suicide so maybe that's clouding my ability to view other perspectives, but it's really unfortunate that people care about you and no matter what if you kill yourself people are gonna feel some type of way, because at this point i don't really care about leaving them lol all i've done was stay for the last 10 years im ready to kick rocks tf what used to be the only reason to stay (other people) has now just morphed into "i'm broke so i can't buy a gun and i'm absolutely not jumping off of a building or hanging myself." i need it quick. everytime i go to a friends house i always ask if they can show me their guns. or when i pick up weed off my plug i hope he asks me to smoke w him because ik he got that switch on him the funniest part is they'd never suspect i took it from them. if you guys knew me in person you'd understand exactly what im saying, but if their gun went missing they would never in a million years even think about texting me "did you take me gun?" even if i was the last person to see it because it just sounds soooo outlandish. i'd just get a job as a cna but im a lazy fucking dork loser pig so everytime i tell myself "last day hitting ur cart" i end out hitting it the next morning. i'll stop by the end of this month though because im kinda itching to just save up for a one way ticket to greece, travel around europe and then shoot myself at the end. I've done just about everything i care to do, atleast by that point i would have:

*Work in a hospital (cna)
*get a boyfriend (finally did last year but we broke up awhile ago)
*go to europe (by this point in time i would have)
*go somewhere tropical and beachy that's not mexico ((nothing against mexico i've literally just been going every year since i was like 6. family is mexican/black.))(went to brazil twice)
*college experience (went for a semester and a half then i got raped and harassed by these two girls who robbed $450 worth of stuff from my dorm and sent vids of me after the fact highly intoxicated around the school and dropped out lol)
*get a dog (my corgi)
*graduate something (high school lol)
*wear scrubs (cna class!!)
*find hobbies that are YOU (gym, yoga, pilates, depop, thrifting, movies)
*go cliff jumping
***KILL MYSELF!!***

push comes to shove i've also always wanted to go skydiving. maybe i just won't open the parachute. At the very least i wouldn't worry about surviving considering you're essentially dead on impact, which takes away my fear of feeling pain before you die.

i don't know, just some thoughts lol

 

[usernamesarehard]

this might come off borderline narcissistic and psychopathic, i don't know haha. i've had insane tunnel vision towards suicide so maybe that's clouding my ability to view other perspectives, but it's really unfortunate that people care about you and no matter what if you kill yourself people are gonna feel some type of way, because at this point i don't really care about leaving them lol all i've done was stay for the last 10 years im ready to kick rocks tf

I feel the same way. Idk what's wrong with me, but I just can't get myself to care about their feelings. The hard thing is I told my ex how I feel and he asks 'what about me?' and I can't tell him 'dude I don't care about my mom or brother's feelings, if we were still together I would care and wouldn't even consider ctb, but we're not, so...'

I'm so ready to go. Just waiting for the right time

 

[iwashere]

I feel the same way. Idk what's wrong with me, but I just can't get myself to care about their feelings. The hard thing is I told my ex how I feel and he asks 'what about me?' and I can't tell him 'dude I don't care about my mom or brother's feelings, if we were still together I would care and wouldn't even consider ctb, but we're not, so...'

I'm so ready to go. Just waiting for the right time

bruh i remember my ex said some dumb shit just like that to me and i was like ?!? r u damn near stupid lol join me if u want idc im gonna do what i want tho thanks

obviously im not this heartless just having a moment rn

 

[usernamesarehard]

bruh i remember my ex said some dumb shit just like that to me and i was like ?!? r u damn near stupid lol join me if u want idc im gonna do what i want tho thanks

obviously im not this heartless just having a moment rn

Lol, funny you say that. He also said he'd kill himself if I did.

And I was like ??????
Why? You broke up with me. You claim to not love me, but then say shit like that? WTF?

Yeah, I'm not heartless either. I love my family and would do a lot to help support them. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm mentally ill. It's not like I can just flip a switch and magically be better. If I could I would've a long time ago.

 

[iwashere]

Lol, funny you say that. He also said he'd kill himself if I did.

And I was like ??????
Why? You broke up with me. You claim to not love me, but then say shit like that? WTF?

Yeah, I'm not heartless either. I love my family and would do a lot to help support them. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm mentally ill. It's not like I can just flip a switch and magically be better. If I could I would've a long time ago.

that's bittersweet. when i finally worked up the courage to tell my (ex) boyfriend, he got mad at me and said "why would i want to be with someone who doesn't see their future with me, am i wasting my time, how come i don't make you happy if you make me happy" blah blah blah. i get the sentiment but very strange of you to turn the conversation about you lol Should've just shot myself right in front of his face

 

[usernamesarehard]

that's bittersweet. when i finally worked up the courage to tell my (ex) boyfriend, he got mad at me and said "why would i want to be with someone who doesn't see their future with me, am i wasting my time, how come i don't make you happy if you make me happy" blah blah blah. i get the sentiment but very strange of you to turn the conversation about you lol Should've just shot myself right in front of his face

I guess in a way. Honestly it just kinda annoys me. He says shit like that or just randomly texts me he loves me, but anytime I ask about getting back together he says he doesn't love me romantically.

Sorry you had to deal with that. People turning the conversion around to how much your death would affect THEM is a big reason I don't talk about my suicidal feelings with anyone IRL. I did in highschool and got the same shit 'it would hurt me if you killed yourself'. Yeah, I get what they're trying to do. They're trying to get you to see their point of view in the hope that you'll change your mind, but I don't think they understand that that tactic doesn't work and just pisses us off.

Should've just shot myself right in front of his face

I feel like with those kinds of people if you did they'd still say 'I had no idea they were suffering so much' and make a show of crying at your funeral.

 

[iwashere]

I guess in a way. Honestly it just kinda annoys me. He says shit like that or just randomly texts me he loves me, but anytime I ask about getting back together he says he doesn't love me romantically.

Sorry you had to deal with that. People turning the conversion around to how much your death would affect THEM is a big reason I don't talk about my suicidal feelings with anyone IRL. I did in highschool and got the same shit 'it would hurt me if you killed yourself'. Yeah, I get what they're trying to do. They're trying to get you to see their point of view in the hope that you'll change your mind, but I don't think they understand that that tactic doesn't work and just pisses us off.

I feel like with those kinds of people if you did they'd still say 'I had no idea they were suffering so much' and make a show of crying at your funeral.

totally the type of person he was. not my problem anymore honestly. sometimes i want to go out in a really violent way just so he really knows i was being so fucking serious with him