Venting It’s painful to watch your loved ones see they’re losing you

[willitpass]

I was talking to a family member the other day about how I've been struggling and there isn't anything left for me. She suggested getting back into therapy. I told her I stopped because what else is there to talk about when I spent over half my life in therapy? I wasn't getting anything out of it. No medications work on me. Not even shock therapy helped. I mentioned how I'd looked into ketamine as it's the only thing I haven't tried, but it's not covered by insurance and financially there's simply no way I could ever afford it myself. She had no other things to offer. I ended up back tracking over the next few days. She helped me clean my horrible apartment and ever since then I've said I've been doing better and that I think it was just the mess. I can't risk her getting too worried and calling me in. But it's discouraging to say the least when even those closest to you don't know what else to say.

It's not like it's some new revelation for me. I've been out of treatment options for years. But I've also been hiding how I've been doing for years. No one around me knows the extent of how much I'm struggling, so I never have to see the face of defeat on them while they fight to come up with some way to save me. I've been hiding how I feel for so long I forgot how painful it is to see. To see the ones you love and stayed alive for come to terms with the fact that they don't know of any other way to help. And she doesn't even know the half of how badly I'm struggling. I only told her I was depressed again, with just some suicidal thoughts, but nothing out of the ordinary for me. She doesn't know that I'm so depressed it's hard to get out of bed, that I almost hung myself a month ago, that I'm slowly poisoning myself with Tylenol every day, that I've been starving myself for a year, that I don't know that I'll make it to 2025. She's at a loss and she hasn't even seen the surface of how bad things are.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I was talking to a family member the other day about how I've been struggling and there isn't anything left for me. She suggested getting back into therapy. I told her I stopped because what else is there to talk about when I spent over half my life in therapy? I wasn't getting anything out of it. No medications work on me. Not even shock therapy helped. I mentioned how I'd looked into ketamine as it's the only thing I haven't tried, but it's not covered by insurance and financially there's simply no way I could ever afford it myself. She had no other things to offer. I ended up back tracking over the next few days. She helped me clean my horrible apartment and ever since then I've said I've been doing better and that I think it was just the mess. I can't risk her getting too worried and calling me in. But it's discouraging to say the least when even those closest to you don't know what else to say.

It's not like it's some new revelation for me. I've been out of treatment options for years. But I've also been hiding how I've been doing for years. No one around me knows the extent of how much I'm struggling, so I never have to see the face of defeat on them while they fight to come up with some way to save me. I've been hiding how I feel for so long I forgot how painful it is to see. To see the ones you love and stayed alive for come to terms with the fact that they don't know of any other way to help. And she doesn't even know the half of how badly I'm struggling. I only told her I was depressed again, with just some suicidal thoughts, but nothing out of the ordinary for me. She doesn't know that I'm so depressed it's hard to get out of bed, that I almost hung myself a month ago, that I'm slowly poisoning myself with Tylenol every day, that I've been starving myself for a year, that I don't know that I'll make it to 2025. She's at a loss and she hasn't even seen the surface of how bad things are.

Have you tried spravato or auvelity?

 

[willitpass]

Have you tried spravato or auvelity?

Spravato isn't covered by my insurance and is $500 out of pocket. I don't have that kind of money. Auvelity contains bupropion which gives me seizures. The only thing I have not tried is Ketamine which I don't have the money for.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Spravato isn't covered by my insurance and is $500 out of pocket. I don't have that kind of money. Auvelity contains bupropion which gives me seizures. The only thing I have not tried is Ketamine which I don't have the money for.

Spravato is covered by my medicaid... You can buy dextromorphan hbr off Amazon. That's what I have to do, and mix it with burpropion because my insurance wont cover it.

 

[willitpass]

Spravato is covered by my medicaid... You can buy dextromorphan hbr off Amazon. That's what I have to do, and mix it with burpropion because my insurance wont cover it.

I can't take bupropion. I'm allergic to it. Nor am I interested in trying any more medications, every single one I've tried has been useless, and I have quite the laundry list. I don't qualify for medicaid, my insurance doesn't cover Spravato, I'm not looking to take out loans or start a medical credit card for something I'm not even sure will work. After over a decade of trying every treatment available to me I've given up. I put in my fight, a hell of a good fight. I'm not looking to pick another battle both financially and with myself to try literally the only thing I have not tried. And I think that's a reasonable decision for me to have made.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I can't take bupropion. I'm allergic to it. Nor am I interested in trying any more medications, every single one I've tried has been useless, and I have quite the laundry list. I don't qualify for medicaid, my insurance doesn't cover Spravato, I'm not looking to take out loans or start a medical credit card for something I'm not even sure will work. After over a decade of trying every treatment available to me I've given up. I put in my fight, a hell of a good fight. I'm not looking to pick another battle both financially and with myself to try literally the only thing I have not tried. And I think that's a reasonable decision for me to have made.

I didnt tell you to try bupropion... Was just telling you about DIY Auvelity in case you wanted to just take the dextromethorphan because you said burpropion gives you seizures. I said Spravato was covered for me; doesn't mean it would be for you. I haven't asked anything about your situation. Quit putting words in my mouth. I've tried everything as well. It was just a god damn suggestion. Take it or leave it.