willitpass
Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
- Mar 10, 2020
- 2,941
I was talking to a family member the other day about how I've been struggling and there isn't anything left for me. She suggested getting back into therapy. I told her I stopped because what else is there to talk about when I spent over half my life in therapy? I wasn't getting anything out of it. No medications work on me. Not even shock therapy helped. I mentioned how I'd looked into ketamine as it's the only thing I haven't tried, but it's not covered by insurance and financially there's simply no way I could ever afford it myself. She had no other things to offer. I ended up back tracking over the next few days. She helped me clean my horrible apartment and ever since then I've said I've been doing better and that I think it was just the mess. I can't risk her getting too worried and calling me in. But it's discouraging to say the least when even those closest to you don't know what else to say.
It's not like it's some new revelation for me. I've been out of treatment options for years. But I've also been hiding how I've been doing for years. No one around me knows the extent of how much I'm struggling, so I never have to see the face of defeat on them while they fight to come up with some way to save me. I've been hiding how I feel for so long I forgot how painful it is to see. To see the ones you love and stayed alive for come to terms with the fact that they don't know of any other way to help. And she doesn't even know the half of how badly I'm struggling. I only told her I was depressed again, with just some suicidal thoughts, but nothing out of the ordinary for me. She doesn't know that I'm so depressed it's hard to get out of bed, that I almost hung myself a month ago, that I'm slowly poisoning myself with Tylenol every day, that I've been starving myself for a year, that I don't know that I'll make it to 2025. She's at a loss and she hasn't even seen the surface of how bad things are.
It's not like it's some new revelation for me. I've been out of treatment options for years. But I've also been hiding how I've been doing for years. No one around me knows the extent of how much I'm struggling, so I never have to see the face of defeat on them while they fight to come up with some way to save me. I've been hiding how I feel for so long I forgot how painful it is to see. To see the ones you love and stayed alive for come to terms with the fact that they don't know of any other way to help. And she doesn't even know the half of how badly I'm struggling. I only told her I was depressed again, with just some suicidal thoughts, but nothing out of the ordinary for me. She doesn't know that I'm so depressed it's hard to get out of bed, that I almost hung myself a month ago, that I'm slowly poisoning myself with Tylenol every day, that I've been starving myself for a year, that I don't know that I'll make it to 2025. She's at a loss and she hasn't even seen the surface of how bad things are.
