it feels like my entire life ive dreamed of suicide. last year however life threw me a bone and like the idiot i am i believed something could go right for once..
now im in another country thousands of miles from ""home"" soon about to have my visa revoked . so ill have to return to the hell which i came knowing i was dumb enough to think i wouldnt fuck this last chance up for myself.
its easy to get a gun in my home country, so my plan after landing back is to get myself a last meal, have a nice sleep, and wake up the next morning and go get myself something to blow my head off with.
i just dont know how to feel I guess. sitting here waiting for my life to march me towards my end. i feel at peace but also anxious, at peace in my anxiety I guess. my gf is in the other room and keeps trying to assure me things will be ok, and it just breaks my heart even more bc once i leave it wont just be her to never see me again but anybody.
I really hate this earth. I hate that since the day I was born hope was dangled over me like a carrot on a stick and I fell for it time and time again. I hate that I have to leave so many good people here because I simply don't belong on this earth. They deserve better but I don't, because even if I got it I would still see this existence for what it is..
now im in another country thousands of miles from ""home"" soon about to have my visa revoked . so ill have to return to the hell which i came knowing i was dumb enough to think i wouldnt fuck this last chance up for myself.
its easy to get a gun in my home country, so my plan after landing back is to get myself a last meal, have a nice sleep, and wake up the next morning and go get myself something to blow my head off with.
i just dont know how to feel I guess. sitting here waiting for my life to march me towards my end. i feel at peace but also anxious, at peace in my anxiety I guess. my gf is in the other room and keeps trying to assure me things will be ok, and it just breaks my heart even more bc once i leave it wont just be her to never see me again but anybody.
I really hate this earth. I hate that since the day I was born hope was dangled over me like a carrot on a stick and I fell for it time and time again. I hate that I have to leave so many good people here because I simply don't belong on this earth. They deserve better but I don't, because even if I got it I would still see this existence for what it is..
