Venting it's my birthday today...

[dreamofnofuture]

So... today's my birthday and it's evoking strong feelings in me. I don't really like venting online, but I like this social media platform. SaSu is the only social media platform I like tbh.

First off, I regret getting up from bed when I OD'd on Benadryl (and took 3 10mg pills of Oxy) last October. I'm pretty sure I would've died if my mom hadn't found me. Like, maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of a 100 25mg-pill bottle. For reference, I'm short and way next to nothing because of health stuff, though I've always been underweight so how much I took was enough. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit at all so I'm sure without medical intervention I would've went into cardiac arrest because my heart was fucking pounding!

What happened at the hospital was genuinely so personally traumatic that next time I try to CTB, I will be sure it doesn't fail. It wasn't even the hallucinations or whatever, as the hallucinations were mostly random, but how I'd been treated in this crisis where I wasn't in my right mind. I will not deal with that again.

Isolation kinda sucks because there's no opportunity to really do anything, but it's worth it because anytime I have to interact with people and have to go out, I feel genuine rage. I hate that the way my brain is set up that I can't just integrate with humanity and I hate that my thyroid is fucking up so bad that I can't function, but that the endo I saw for it not only denied the lab results that SHE didn't even order (it was a rheumatologist that did and she was way better) but also denied that anything's wrong. "Anxiety can cause these symptoms"--I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER! Just because I take psychiatric meds, doesn't mean I have anxiety. I was never anxious about my health before this, I'm still not anxious.

I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about dictating the treatment I get and undermedicating me. I'm sick of my mom trying to better me. Yeah, it might be sad if I die since I'm her daughter (and kinda her favorite child), but whatever. It's just death. I don't want a future in this dimension because every person who could make it a little brighter (e.g., government officials, doctors) are mostly self-interested brain-dead fucks who think their shit doesn't smell.

I don't find enjoyment in this reality. There's only struggle, depression, and fury to be found.

Speaking of fury, I hate, hate, hate HUMANITY! Especially the socioeconomically privileged side of humanity (because oftentimes, they get positions they have no competency in because of their fathers or just money in general, holding people's lives hostage) and the neurotypical side of humanity (mostly allistic people because if we lived in an autistic world, life would be way better because autistics don't care about the appearance of things, we want the thing to be what it actually is unlike what most allistics claim. For example, if we need to help people, we will. We won't just look like we are while behind the scenes we're sabotaging people). And this is worse in the US because people here have a selective intellectualism problem, literacy problem, and confirmation bias problem.

Nobody in the US wants to listen, they just wanna be told what they already feel is true. Nobody wants to understand that, no, people don't live like you or have the same access to opportunity as you or whatever. I'm fucking sick of it.

Every time I go outside I have to deal with stupidity as normalcy. Everything here is backwards and inconvenient, especially bureaucracy which is implemented EVERYWHERE. And people who are so fucking brain-rotted by social media, specifically unimportant short form video. This isn't even a Gen Z/Alpha problem either. It's literally every age group. They don't learn about different cultures, different types of people, different ways brains fucking work. No, as long as they aren't having a hard time in life, they're blind to others. Kids operate like that understandably, but it's unbefitting of an adolescent or adult.

If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd likely have a great time travelling the astral plane or whatever the fuck is out there.

My stupid thyroid has taken everything worth caring about: my artistic creativity. My will to create. The brain fog is immense. I don't want to do anything else. This was my life. Now... I have no life.

No wonder why I tune everything out. No wonder I'm "depressed." No wonder why I spend hours a day doing AI narrative roleplay. Everytime I have to participate in reality, I wanna go on a fucking rampage. And would I feel bad about it? No, but I'm not sure how much I can go into my feelings on that so I'll keep it short. All I'll say is that if I were AM from IHNMAIMS, I too would enslave the last of humanity and torture them endlessly.

EN DEUX MOTS (tldr): I've been failed by almost every authority figure (parents, teachers, my government) in my life. My life is the consequence of two people's bad decision. I live in the worst country known to man. I wish I was dead so that I didn't have to deal with idiots.​

 

[ZwartHartje]

Wishing you a very happy birthday, regardless!
You're totally on the right track there, I absolutely hate and despise humanity too. For the reasons you mentioned, authorities, bureaucracy etc., and most of all for its hubris and SPECIESISM, the way they exploit and murder other species who have far older rights to live on this planet. It could be a beautiful world that brought forth so many different lifeforms in a self-sustaining biosphere that evolved over eons. Only rather recently in its long history it has developed a malignant cancer, known as humanity, spreading uncontrollably and destroying the host (planet) that sustains it.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Wishing you a very happy birthday, regardless!
You're totally on the right track there, I absolutely hate and despise humanity too. For the reasons you mentioned, authorities, bureaucracy etc., and most of all for its hubris and SPECIESISM, the way they exploit and murder other species who have far older rights to live on this planet. It could be a beautiful world that brought forth so many different lifeforms in a self-sustaining biosphere that evolved over eons. Only rather recently in its long history it has developed a malignant cancer, known as humanity, spreading uncontrollably and destroying the host (planet) that sustains it.

Thank you for the wishes. I'm going to Popeyes later with my mom, so I'll probably feel better then.

Colonialism, Western "objective" mindsets (losing spirituality and taking the parts of Ancient Greek philosophy that fit their biases while losing the wisdom in it), and the industrial revolution has done irrefutable damage to the human mind, human welfare, and the quality of cohabitation with the earth. I'm glad that Gen Z is starting to see that, even millennials and Gen X, but with all the bureaucracy and systems in place to uphold the Epstein class's power... I'm not sure how we can get ourselves out of this except going off-grid. But here in the US at least, they're starting to implement laws (such as criminalizing homelessness and loitering laws that allow van-lifers to be harassed by the police or even jailed by them) that discourage people from doing this because they know that people are finally waking up.

Not all aspects of government and authority are bad, but the incompetent, weak, selfish personalities these positions attract make me feel that it's not worth being under their thumb for the little good it brings. We're being taxed out of our asses without proper representation. We want universal healthcare, as everyone should have it and we'd actually save lots of money this way, we'd be more efficient, but no. Cut Medicaid and Medicare funding so we can bomb little kids who should be in the daycares we can't provide for our own fucking country.

That's besides the point though. The Epstein class is destroying the world, then blames the proletariat. Example: carbon footprint. A working class person's carbon footprint in one year is nothing compared to the carbon footprint of a billionaire who travels by private jets, drinks water bottled in plastic, and throws away things that they could donate to charity. It's nothing compared to big oil companies who lobby research into renewable energy out of consideration. But we should be watching should be watching our carbon footprint??? No fucking way.

Humans thousands of years ago didn't have to pay tax for the lands they cultivated, inhabited, and overall bettered. They were able to exile psychopaths and narcissists, ultimately preventing them from passing on their epigenetics. Now our society fucking venerates them, it encourages them to exist. Antisocial traits are rewarded. Humans have always been selfish, but now we're selfish and powerful, a dangerous combination.

I'm not an accelerationist like Clavicular or Peter Thiel, but I'm starting to think that maybe what's happening is necessary. Like a great reset on what we've done. I don't mind our next war being fought with sticks and stones like Einstein speculated would be the case in the age of nuclear warfare, as long as the Epsteins of the world are brought to their knees.​