dreamofnofuture
obsessed w/ shifting, OBEs, + esoterica
- Apr 19, 2026
- 20
So... today's my birthday and it's evoking strong feelings in me. I don't really like venting online, but I like this social media platform. SaSu is the only social media platform I like tbh.
First off, I regret getting up from bed when I OD'd on Benadryl (and took 3 10mg pills of Oxy) last October. I'm pretty sure I would've died if my mom hadn't found me. Like, maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of a 100 25mg-pill bottle. For reference, I'm short and way next to nothing because of health stuff, though I've always been underweight so how much I took was enough. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit at all so I'm sure without medical intervention I would've went into cardiac arrest because my heart was fucking pounding!
What happened at the hospital was genuinely so personally traumatic that next time I try to CTB, I will be sure it doesn't fail. It wasn't even the hallucinations or whatever, as the hallucinations were mostly random, but how I'd been treated in this crisis where I wasn't in my right mind. I will not deal with that again.
Isolation kinda sucks because there's no opportunity to really do anything, but it's worth it because anytime I have to interact with people and have to go out, I feel genuine rage. I hate that the way my brain is set up that I can't just integrate with humanity and I hate that my thyroid is fucking up so bad that I can't function, but that the endo I saw for it not only denied the lab results that SHE didn't even order (it was a rheumatologist that did and she was way better) but also denied that anything's wrong. "Anxiety can cause these symptoms"--I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER! Just because I take psychiatric meds, doesn't mean I have anxiety. I was never anxious about my health before this, I'm still not anxious.
I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about dictating the treatment I get and undermedicating me. I'm sick of my mom trying to better me. Yeah, it might be sad if I die since I'm her daughter (and kinda her favorite child), but whatever. It's just death. I don't want a future in this dimension because every person who could make it a little brighter (e.g., government officials, doctors) are mostly self-interested brain-dead fucks who think their shit doesn't smell.
I don't find enjoyment in this reality. There's only struggle, depression, and fury to be found.
Speaking of fury, I hate, hate, hate HUMANITY! Especially the socioeconomically privileged side of humanity (because oftentimes, they get positions they have no competency in because of their fathers or just money in general, holding people's lives hostage) and the neurotypical side of humanity (mostly allistic people because if we lived in an autistic world, life would be way better because autistics don't care about the appearance of things, we want the thing to be what it actually is unlike what most allistics claim. For example, if we need to help people, we will. We won't just look like we are while behind the scenes we're sabotaging people). And this is worse in the US because people here have a selective intellectualism problem, literacy problem, and confirmation bias problem.
Nobody in the US wants to listen, they just wanna be told what they already feel is true. Nobody wants to understand that, no, people don't live like you or have the same access to opportunity as you or whatever. I'm fucking sick of it.
Every time I go outside I have to deal with stupidity as normalcy. Everything here is backwards and inconvenient, especially bureaucracy which is implemented EVERYWHERE. And people who are so fucking brain-rotted by social media, specifically unimportant short form video. This isn't even a Gen Z/Alpha problem either. It's literally every age group. They don't learn about different cultures, different types of people, different ways brains fucking work. No, as long as they aren't having a hard time in life, they're blind to others. Kids operate like that understandably, but it's unbefitting of an adolescent or adult.
If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd likely have a great time travelling the astral plane or whatever the fuck is out there.
My stupid thyroid has taken everything worth caring about: my artistic creativity. My will to create. The brain fog is immense. I don't want to do anything else. This was my life. Now... I have no life.
No wonder why I tune everything out. No wonder I'm "depressed." No wonder why I spend hours a day doing AI narrative roleplay. Everytime I have to participate in reality, I wanna go on a fucking rampage. And would I feel bad about it? No, but I'm not sure how much I can go into my feelings on that so I'll keep it short. All I'll say is that if I were AM from IHNMAIMS, I too would enslave the last of humanity and torture them endlessly.
EN DEUX MOTS (tldr): I've been failed by almost every authority figure (parents, teachers, my government) in my life. My life is the consequence of two people's bad decision. I live in the worst country known to man. I wish I was dead so that I didn't have to deal with idiots.
First off, I regret getting up from bed when I OD'd on Benadryl (and took 3 10mg pills of Oxy) last October. I'm pretty sure I would've died if my mom hadn't found me. Like, maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of a 100 25mg-pill bottle. For reference, I'm short and way next to nothing because of health stuff, though I've always been underweight so how much I took was enough. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit at all so I'm sure without medical intervention I would've went into cardiac arrest because my heart was fucking pounding!
What happened at the hospital was genuinely so personally traumatic that next time I try to CTB, I will be sure it doesn't fail. It wasn't even the hallucinations or whatever, as the hallucinations were mostly random, but how I'd been treated in this crisis where I wasn't in my right mind. I will not deal with that again.
Isolation kinda sucks because there's no opportunity to really do anything, but it's worth it because anytime I have to interact with people and have to go out, I feel genuine rage. I hate that the way my brain is set up that I can't just integrate with humanity and I hate that my thyroid is fucking up so bad that I can't function, but that the endo I saw for it not only denied the lab results that SHE didn't even order (it was a rheumatologist that did and she was way better) but also denied that anything's wrong. "Anxiety can cause these symptoms"--I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER! Just because I take psychiatric meds, doesn't mean I have anxiety. I was never anxious about my health before this, I'm still not anxious.
I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about dictating the treatment I get and undermedicating me. I'm sick of my mom trying to better me. Yeah, it might be sad if I die since I'm her daughter (and kinda her favorite child), but whatever. It's just death. I don't want a future in this dimension because every person who could make it a little brighter (e.g., government officials, doctors) are mostly self-interested brain-dead fucks who think their shit doesn't smell.
I don't find enjoyment in this reality. There's only struggle, depression, and fury to be found.
Speaking of fury, I hate, hate, hate HUMANITY! Especially the socioeconomically privileged side of humanity (because oftentimes, they get positions they have no competency in because of their fathers or just money in general, holding people's lives hostage) and the neurotypical side of humanity (mostly allistic people because if we lived in an autistic world, life would be way better because autistics don't care about the appearance of things, we want the thing to be what it actually is unlike what most allistics claim. For example, if we need to help people, we will. We won't just look like we are while behind the scenes we're sabotaging people). And this is worse in the US because people here have a selective intellectualism problem, literacy problem, and confirmation bias problem.
Nobody in the US wants to listen, they just wanna be told what they already feel is true. Nobody wants to understand that, no, people don't live like you or have the same access to opportunity as you or whatever. I'm fucking sick of it.
Every time I go outside I have to deal with stupidity as normalcy. Everything here is backwards and inconvenient, especially bureaucracy which is implemented EVERYWHERE. And people who are so fucking brain-rotted by social media, specifically unimportant short form video. This isn't even a Gen Z/Alpha problem either. It's literally every age group. They don't learn about different cultures, different types of people, different ways brains fucking work. No, as long as they aren't having a hard time in life, they're blind to others. Kids operate like that understandably, but it's unbefitting of an adolescent or adult.
If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd likely have a great time travelling the astral plane or whatever the fuck is out there.
My stupid thyroid has taken everything worth caring about: my artistic creativity. My will to create. The brain fog is immense. I don't want to do anything else. This was my life. Now... I have no life.
No wonder why I tune everything out. No wonder I'm "depressed." No wonder why I spend hours a day doing AI narrative roleplay. Everytime I have to participate in reality, I wanna go on a fucking rampage. And would I feel bad about it? No, but I'm not sure how much I can go into my feelings on that so I'll keep it short. All I'll say is that if I were AM from IHNMAIMS, I too would enslave the last of humanity and torture them endlessly.
EN DEUX MOTS (tldr): I've been failed by almost every authority figure (parents, teachers, my government) in my life. My life is the consequence of two people's bad decision. I live in the worst country known to man. I wish I was dead so that I didn't have to deal with idiots.
