I just know it. I don't know how to feel about it. I keep fluctuating between relief, despair and apathy at this point. I've been binge listening to podcasts about death and dying for a week or so, yesterday it was pretty much all day. It's one of the few things that soothes me right now. Otherwise I keep thinking about how my life has been ruined because of therapy. Today those thoughts are extra hard. I've completely lost my ability to trust other people, including healthcare staff, which was part of the reason why I went to therapy in the first place. I've become agoraphobic and can no longer do stuff that I love, or meet people that I love. I've become terrified of intimacy, even the thought of being close to another human grosses me out and I've been isolating for months. I used to have high capacity for empathy and cognitive flexibility, but I've become some kind of angry monster, I'm even angry at my closest friends for God knows what reason. They haven't done anything wrong. The stress has damaged my cognitive functions and I've become slow and dull, have forgotten how to spell properly and I can't do my art - which I used to live for - anymore. This is no life. I want out.
I know I'm departing soon. I don't know when or how. It's likely that it'll be sepsis, since I have an infection that requires surgery, which I can't even get anyways because of the reasons stated above. I've been thinking about both partial and SN, primarily because sepsis apparently takes time (at least for me) and I often find myself impatient, and I'm afraid that the infection will cause my throat to swell up.
If any of you choose to get therapy, please be careful. Just because someone is a specialist, has all these credentials and are supervising it doesn't mean that they're a good person, or even a good therapist. I don't want anyone to become what I've become. This isn't what I wanted.
