Venting It's my birthday and it's going to be my last one

[sancta-simplicitas]

I just know it. I don't know how to feel about it. I keep fluctuating between relief, despair and apathy at this point. I've been binge listening to podcasts about death and dying for a week or so, yesterday it was pretty much all day. It's one of the few things that soothes me right now. Otherwise I keep thinking about how my life has been ruined because of therapy. Today those thoughts are extra hard. I've completely lost my ability to trust other people, including healthcare staff, which was part of the reason why I went to therapy in the first place. I've become agoraphobic and can no longer do stuff that I love, or meet people that I love. I've become terrified of intimacy, even the thought of being close to another human grosses me out and I've been isolating for months. I used to have high capacity for empathy and cognitive flexibility, but I've become some kind of angry monster, I'm even angry at my closest friends for God knows what reason. They haven't done anything wrong. The stress has damaged my cognitive functions and I've become slow and dull, have forgotten how to spell properly and I can't do my art - which I used to live for - anymore. This is no life. I want out.

I know I'm departing soon. I don't know when or how. It's likely that it'll be sepsis, since I have an infection that requires surgery, which I can't even get anyways because of the reasons stated above. I've been thinking about both partial and SN, primarily because sepsis apparently takes time (at least for me) and I often find myself impatient, and I'm afraid that the infection will cause my throat to swell up.

If any of you choose to get therapy, please be careful. Just because someone is a specialist, has all these credentials and are supervising it doesn't mean that they're a good person, or even a good therapist. I don't want anyone to become what I've become. This isn't what I wanted.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

!!! HAPPPY BIRTHDAY !!!

 

[billie]

Happy Birthday

 

[arthurkuzechov]

Hi. I agree with you that someone is a specialist doesn't mean that he will help you. And at your birthday I wish find the relief and peace soon without suffering. Send you much love

 

[rozeske]

Happy birth day Am sorry for the bad experience you encountered, I hope you can find ways to heal and find your peace.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Thank you guys.

 

[Meteora]

I feel so so sorry for you and I relate so much......

I used to have high capacity for empathy and cognitive flexibility, but I've become some kind of angry monster,

Same, exactely same. I get in rage because of the smallest things... my GP said I have a PTSD from therapy..... and I agree so much..... the criteria are surley fullfilled.

Otherwise I keep thinking about how my life has been ruined because of therapy. Today those thoughts are extra hard. I've completely lost my ability to trust other people, including healthcare staff, which was part of the reason why I went to therapy in the first place.

The exact same has happened to me........ The world is not ready for people like us. The only thing I wanted is to heal. But I was so terribly misled and then dropped.


Despite everything.... I wish you a little bit of a Happy Birthday .

 

[iloverachel]

Happy birthday my friend

 

[Valky]

I am really sorry that things have turned out for you this way.
However, I hope that today can be a day for you to appreciate yourself and take care of your needs. So in that sense, happy birthday!

 

[Jiyuurakka]

Happy birthday, I hope you have found sanctuary by venting your thoughts here.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

happy birthday! i resonate deeply with your post and i'm sorry you've had so many circumstances that brought you to these thoughts. no matter what you choose to do, i hope you'll find peaceful release from the pain eventually. i hope venting helped even a little bit.

 

[Linda]

Happy birthday!!
What actually happened with the therapy? We all know that therapy sometimes doesn't help, but it's not supposed to actually harm people.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Happy birthday! Im sorry for the pain you sre facing. I hope you manage to enjoy your day even if its just a bit <3

 

[Silent_cries]

Hey, just figured I'd come by to say goodbye since I don't know how much longer you'll be around and we have talked quite a bit after all. I just wanted to say that you seem like a nice person and I've enjoyed talking to you :) I know you might not feel that way, and I get it honestly bc I feel like an absolute monster myself, ik how it feels all too well, but I want you to know that I enjoyed every little moments we had together. I hope you find peace no matter what happens to you <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, best wishes, existence really is so cruel.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Sad to hear I hope you can figure out a peaceful method instead of waiting for the sepsis to do the trick by the sounds of it it sounds like you have suffered enough so at the very least I hope you can get a peaceful exit.

Also I don´t congratulate people on their birthdays since I don´t like people doing it to me since I think getting one year older and uglier and one year older away from the happy years in my childhood (for my case) isn´t something to celebrate but in any case I hope you enjoy your day as best as you can or at least get through it if you find it hard to get older like I do.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Happy birthday. Hope you find peace soon

 

[M1sT]

Happy Birthday, I agree on the therapy part.
It turns you into someone you never thought you will become yet there you are standing, wondering how the battle of life was always pointless and was meant to be lost!

 

[ListlessGaren]

Happy Birthday! Hope you can find some joy. You deserve happiness and kindness, regardless of our own self perception. No one asks for this suffering, people end up at their destination in life because of a combination of environmental & genetic factors. Society & the people in our lives really end up abandoning a lot of us. Years of agony, physical and/or mental can take a huge toll on us and sap our energy while we're viciously judged by the outside world.

For me personally, I'd probably put on a movie or a comforting game & probably weed n alcohol. Anything that can help distract you from the pain rn. Not all of us are bound here for long. You deserve to be comfortable, I believe.

People deserve mercy from life. I wholeheartedly believe many ppl don't choose their lot in life, despite how much people blame themselves for where they are. That shame and guilt is baked into our social hierarchy. A lot can happen to someone. We're complex creatures that need understanding.

 

[hopeless08]

I just know it. I don't know how to feel about it. I keep fluctuating between relief, despair and apathy at this point. I've been binge listening to podcasts about death and dying for a week or so, yesterday it was pretty much all day. It's one of the few things that soothes me right now. Otherwise I keep thinking about how my life has been ruined because of therapy. Today those thoughts are extra hard. I've completely lost my ability to trust other people, including healthcare staff, which was part of the reason why I went to therapy in the first place. I've become agoraphobic and can no longer do stuff that I love, or meet people that I love. I've become terrified of intimacy, even the thought of being close to another human grosses me out and I've been isolating for months. I used to have high capacity for empathy and cognitive flexibility, but I've become some kind of angry monster, I'm even angry at my closest friends for God knows what reason. They haven't done anything wrong. The stress has damaged my cognitive functions and I've become slow and dull, have forgotten how to spell properly and I can't do my art - which I used to live for - anymore. This is no life. I want out.

I know I'm departing soon. I don't know when or how. It's likely that it'll be sepsis, since I have an infection that requires surgery, which I can't even get anyways because of the reasons stated above. I've been thinking about both partial and SN, primarily because sepsis apparently takes time (at least for me) and I often find myself impatient, and I'm afraid that the infection will cause my throat to swell up.

If any of you choose to get therapy, please be careful. Just because someone is a specialist, has all these credentials and are supervising it doesn't mean that they're a good person, or even a good therapist. I don't want anyone to become what I've become. This isn't what I wanted.

So sorry you're for your suffering.
I'm shocked that it's therapy or a therapist lead you you to this state of mind. That's awful and they should be held responsible. It's sad to think about how bad the world has become so cruel with lack of empathy, compassion and humanity.
I also understand what it feels like to be isolated due to the fear of being around people and also die to the pain you feel inside. And I can relate so well with you on the subject of becoming slow when it comes to cognitive abilities.
I used to be very smart, and I'm sure for those who know me here, will be surprised to hear that due to the way I write. Being isolated for so long and not having contact with anyone slows down the function of the brain, that's normal, don't feel bad for that it's not your fault.
I know that it's sad to think about how smart you were at a certain point and now, in my case writing like a 6 year old, having to think so hard just to form a sentence. It's really frustrating.
It's also normal to feel angry at the world when you are suffering so much cause you think to yourself, what did I do to deserve this. I wanted to say happy birthday but I know that it's not a happy one. I don't like it when people with me happy birthday, it's just a reminder to us that we are far from being happy.
It's infuriating that you can no longer even go get treated due to your mistrust and fear of the medical system since they're the one that messed you up in the first place. I have an older sister that's going through the same thing she's had like 6 surgeries in less than two years but they were botched and she's terrified to go back to any hospital. It's really a cruel world we live in and it's just so unfortunate. I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this, I hope you could find some kind of solution. If you feel angry and have bottled up emotions, you can pm me, I'll listen.

 

[marchshift]

Happy Birthday

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

So sorry you're for your suffering.
I'm shocked that it's therapy or a therapist lead you you to this state of mind. That's awful and they should be held responsible. It's sad to think about how bad the world has become so cruel with lack of empathy, compassion and humanity.
I also understand what it feels like to be isolated due to the fear of being around people and also die to the pain you feel inside. And I can relate so well with you on the subject of becoming slow when it comes to cognitive abilities.
I used to be very smart, and I'm sure for those who know me here, will be surprised to hear that due to the way I write. Being isolated for so long and not having contact with anyone slows down the function of the brain, that's normal, don't feel bad for that it's not your fault.
I know that it's sad to think about how smart you were at a certain point and now, in my case writing like a 6 year old, having to think so hard just to form a sentence. It's really frustrating.
It's also normal to feel angry at the world when you are suffering so much cause you think to yourself, what did I do to deserve this. I wanted to say happy birthday but I know that it's not a happy one. I don't like it when people with me happy birthday, it's just a reminder to us that we are far from being happy.
It's infuriating that you can no longer even go get treated due to your mistrust and fear of the medical system since they're the one that messed you up in the first place. I have an older sister that's going through the same thing she's had like 6 surgeries in less than two years but they were botched and she's terrified to go back to any hospital. It's really a cruel world we live in and it's just so unfortunate. I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this, I hope you could find some kind of solution. If you feel angry and have bottled up emotions, you can pm me, I'll listen.

Thank you for this kind and thoughtful reply, honestly I think it made my day. Regarding the therapy, it's been about ten months but I am still quite shocked too. On an intellectual level, I know that what happened to me isn't too uncommon. I've made contact with numerous people around the world who have been through similar things, or even worse. On an emotional level, I still have a hard time believing it. Especially because healthcare induced PTSD was part of why I sought her out in the first place.

I'm truly sorry to hear that you also experience cognitive decline. It's a living hell, especially when you're used to be on the more intelligent side. I was too. I was always told I was, but I never noticed it until it went away. It's like the ultimate form of insult to injury, even more so because of how tiresome just regular things like writing are. Sometimes it feels like there aren't any words in the brain at all.

You're spot on with the birthday wishes, although I've gotten used to them by now, my birthdays have almost always awful in that sense. Happy people calling all day long, expecting you to be happy too.. it's such a slap in the face.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. What happened to her? Is she going to be okay? I wish I had some words of wisdom, such as how there absolutely are good people who works in healthcare too or something. I just have a hard time integrating - and thus fully believe in - that knowledge by now. It's so absurd. Healthcare is supposed to better your life.

I'll shoot you a PM after I've energized some. Thank you.

 

[Dayrain]

@sancta-simplicitas Do you know what your pfp illustration is from?

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I feel so so sorry for you and I relate so much......


Same, exactely same. I get in rage because of the smallest things... my GP said I have a PTSD from therapy..... and I agree so much..... the criteria are surley fullfilled.

The exact same has happened to me........ The world is not ready for people like us. The only thing I wanted is to heal. But I was so terribly misled and then dropped.


Despite everything.... I wish you a little bit of a Happy Birthday .

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in it too. It's... Like a freak of nature. It feels so abnormal, twisted, like it's not supposed to happen. Like you said... You go there because you want to heal. You're already wounded in therapy. To have a therapist abuse that, for whatever reason, in whatever way, is like having someone jump on your broken bones.

Feel free to DM, if you want to talk about it. Best wishes. And thank you.

 

[Meteora]

Happy Birthday, I agree on the therapy part.
It turns you into someone you never thought you will become yet there you are standing, wondering how the battle of life was always pointless and was meant to be lost!

So true words....

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Hey, just figured I'd come by to say goodbye since I don't know how much longer you'll be around and we have talked quite a bit after all. I just wanted to say that you seem like a nice person and I've enjoyed talking to you :) I know you might not feel that way, and I get it honestly bc I feel like an absolute monster myself, ik how it feels all too well, but I want you to know that I enjoyed every little moments we had together. I hope you find peace no matter what happens to you <3

Thank you, it means a lot. Honestly I don't know how long I'll be around either. I feel like a medical marvel at this point because I've gone around with this infection for years, I think it's five now. Got a fever last year, but it resolved itself after a day. Lol. I just take it day by day now. And right back to you, you seem like a really cool person. I think you were the first person I talked to when I first joined, even. In your game thread if I remember correctly.

Sad to hear I hope you can figure out a peaceful method instead of waiting for the sepsis to do the trick by the sounds of it it sounds like you have suffered enough so at the very least I hope you can get a peaceful exit.

Also I don´t congratulate people on their birthdays since I don´t like people doing it to me since I think getting one year older and uglier and one year older away from the happy years in my childhood (for my case) isn´t something to celebrate but in any case I hope you enjoy your day as best as you can or at least get through it if you find it hard to get older like I do.

I've read up some about sepsis and in a lot of descriptions it seems peaceful enough. Some describe excruciating pain and vomiting but most seems to just describe getting a high fever and some disorientation and then they become unconscious really quickly. I don't know what I'll end up choosing, I guess time will tell. Thank you for the non-congrats.

@sancta-simplicitas Do you know what your pfp illustration is from?

Misty Circus "Sasha the little pierrot" by Victoria Frances. I've actually never read it because I've kept postponing to buy it for ten years and now it's practically impossible to find in English. But I love the art in it and hope to own it one day.

 

[Dayrain]

Misty Circus "Sasha the little pierrot" by Victoria Frances. I've actually never read it because I've kept postponing to buy it for ten years and now it's practically impossible to find in English. But I love the art in it and hope to own it one day.

Thank you. I like this type of art very much as well.

 

[hopeless08]

Thank you for this kind and thoughtful reply, honestly I think it made my day. Regarding the therapy, it's been about ten months but I am still quite shocked too. On an intellectual level, I know that what happened to me isn't too uncommon. I've made contact with numerous people around the world who have been through similar things, or even worse. On an emotional level, I still have a hard time believing it. Especially because healthcare induced PTSD was part of why I sought her out in the first place.

I'm truly sorry to hear that you also experience cognitive decline. It's a living hell, especially when you're used to be on the more intelligent side. I was too. I was always told I was, but I never noticed it until it went away. It's like the ultimate form of insult to injury, even more so because of how tiresome just regular things like writing are. Sometimes it feels like there aren't any words in the brain at all.

You're spot on with the birthday wishes, although I've gotten used to them by now, my birthdays have almost always awful in that sense. Happy people calling all day long, expecting you to be happy too.. it's such a slap in the face.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. What happened to her? Is she going to be okay? I wish I had some words of wisdom, such as how there absolutely are good people who works in healthcare too or something. I just have a hard time integrating - and thus fully believe in - that knowledge by now. It's so absurd. Healthcare is supposed to better your life.

I'll shoot you a PM after I've energized some. Thank you.

I'm so glad that I was able to give you some solace. I completely understand your situation but just wanted to let you know that judging by your writing, you are definitely still smart, I literally write like 5th grader in terms of spelling, grammar, punctuation. I swear the most simple words I have to keep thinking about how to spell them, it's embarrassing and obviously makes me feel so stupid.
They say if you don't use your brain you lose it. Yeah pm me anytime

 

[Silent_cries]

Thank you, it means a lot. Honestly I don't know how long I'll be around either. I feel like a medical marvel at this point because I've gone around with this infection for years, I think it's five now. Got a fever last year, but it resolved itself after a day. Lol. I just take it day by day now. And right back to you, you seem like a really cool person. I think you were the first person I talked to when I first joined, even. In your game thread if I remember correctly.

I've read up some about sepsis and in a lot of descriptions it seems peaceful enough. Some describe excruciating pain and vomiting but most seems to just describe getting a high fever and some disorientation and then they become unconscious really quickly. I don't know what I'll end up choosing, I guess time will tell. Thank you for the non-congrats.

Misty Circus "Sasha the little pierrot" by Victoria Frances. I've actually never read it because I've kept postponing to buy it for ten years and now it's practically impossible to find in English. But I love the art in it and hope to own it one day.

Honestly, if you're suffering as much as you say you are and it truly is what you desire, I hope you get to ctb soon bc no one deserves to suffer like that. Idk if this is fucked up or not, but everytime I see someone suffer I wish they'd get to ctb bc I hate seeing ppl in pain. It just isn't fair! This world is just too broken beyond repair imo. If you aren't fortunate or strong enough to be able to live at least a decent life as a human being, it isn't rly worth it imo. You can disagree with me, that's ok. I guess all I'm rly trying to say is that I hope you'll be freed from your pain one day, and it's meant with nothing but care. Please take care, no matter what you choose to do. <3

 

[koruznikov]

Sending you love, happy birthday!