it's my birthday and i feel hopeless.

[plushjuggybandit]

its my 19th birthday today. i wasnt planning on making it this far and i dont know how to feel. i should be proud but instead i just feel numb and hopeless. every year of my life is constantly filled with this feeling and it would be nice if just for one day i could be hopeful about my future. i hate feeling this way and i dont know if its ever gonna stop.
one of my good friends passed recently from a brain annyuresum, she only just turned 18 a month prior. i feel like im taking her spot. she loved life. she wanted to be here more than anything. she had so many plans and hopes about what life could bring. all i can think about is how she deserved to be here and the fact that she'll never make it to this same birthday is kiling me. but oh well, life goes on so the best i can do is suck it up and pretend im happy to be celebrating today.

 

[leeloosnow]

survivor's guilt is very real and depressing, i can definitely relate as i lost my little brother at 21/yrs to a heart failure. one way i tried to wrap my head around it is by 'trying to make the sun shine for him', right, do decent things where he can't anymore, but it still sucks. so many years went by that i wished it were me instead of him. i know you probably don't feel like it, but i bet your friend would want you to be happy, especially today. birthday wishes and big hugs <3

 

[plushjuggybandit]

survivor's guilt is very real and depressing, i can definitely relate as i lost my little brother at 21/yrs to a heart failure. one way i tried to wrap my head around it is by 'trying to make the sun shine for him', right, do decent things where he can't anymore, but it still sucks. so many years went by that i wished it were me instead of him. i know you probably don't feel like it, but i bet your friend would want you to be happy, especially today. birthday wishes and big hugs <3

m really sorry you lost your brother, especially in that way :( its so unfair when young people die from things like that. i really appreciate your response thank you so much, ill try my best to make today a good day for her :)

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hi
Happy Birthday.

It's my birthday today too. (I turned 30)
I also feel sad and hopeless.


Hugs.

 

[carnis-insanis]

obvious question off the bat - have you tried medication and/or therapy? if no, please try it if its accesible, if yes, maybe trying again with a new therapist would help process your grief, it might not make you happier but it sure will make your life easier to understand

Im so sorry for your friend, I have had a close friend die as well and I can relate to what you describe, this sounds cliche but truly, do you think that she'd want to trade her life for yours? do you think that she'd want you to feel guilty like that? im convined the answer is no, even if you wish that werent the case

Birthdays are hard, especially if you had a suicide date in plan, but its not a sign of failure, its a sign that you made it, it doesnt feel strong, hell it feels disappointing, but it just shows how strong you are at your worst

I dont want you to feel forced to be happy to honor your dead friend, just try to have a good birthday, it doesnt need to be happy, just good, as if she was with you


sending love, wishes, prayers and hugs towards your way
sorry if this is worded weird english isnt my first language lol

 

[DrivenSneeze1]

i wasnt planning on making it this far

damn that's relatable.

happy belated birthday and sorry for your loss. life's cruel sometimes but i hope you can find a way out there and live for your friend's sake and for your own as well. you sound like a nice person, hope good things are coming your way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all there could never be anything fair about existing here in this cruel world where chance determines everything, it seems as though many of those who wanted to live die from circumstances out of their control, while those who want to be gone have to find a way to leave themselves. I personally hate the thought of ageing and at least to me there could never be anything "happy" about birthdays, but anyway best wishes.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

Happy birthday darling, I relate to the way you feel and all I can say is that I wish you well.

 

[WeepingWillow]

Yeah birthdays suck universally. I still hope you have a special day regardless and am sorry you aren't able to spend it with your friend. Best wishes and hopes of peace for you.

 

[plushjuggybandit]

Hi
Happy Birthday.

It's my birthday today too. (I turned 30)
I also feel sad and hopeless.


Hugs.

i hope you had a good day despite the hopelessness

I guess that after all there could never be anything fair about existing here in this cruel world where chance determines everything, it seems as though many of those who wanted to live die from circumstances out of their control, while those who want to be gone have to find a way to leave themselves. I personally hate the thought of ageing and at least to me there could never be anything "happy" about birthdays, but anyway best wishes.

i feel very similarly to you. aging feels like a curse. your mind stays young but your body grows old, you start to forget and you no longer recognise yourself in the mirror. I dont want that. I just wish those who want to age would be allowed to stick around a bit longer :( it feels like life is always taking the wrong people

obvious question off the bat - have you tried medication and/or therapy? if no, please try it if its accesible, if yes, maybe trying again with a new therapist would help process your grief, it might not make you happier but it sure will make your life easier to understand

Im so sorry for your friend, I have had a close friend die as well and I can relate to what you describe, this sounds cliche but truly, do you think that she'd want to trade her life for yours? do you think that she'd want you to feel guilty like that? im convined the answer is no, even if you wish that werent the case

Birthdays are hard, especially if you had a suicide date in plan, but its not a sign of failure, its a sign that you made it, it doesnt feel strong, hell it feels disappointing, but it just shows how strong you are at your worst

I dont want you to feel forced to be happy to honor your dead friend, just try to have a good birthday, it doesnt need to be happy, just good, as if she was with you


sending love, wishes, prayers and hugs towards your way
sorry if this is worded weird english isnt my first language lol

i've been going to therapy for about 2 years now :) i like it but i know its not a long term fix for me because all my therapists always seem to think im doing a lot better than i am. they think im really honest when really im just telling them what they want to hear. not intentionally though, im just a people pleaser. I'll have another therapist soon at an eating disorder specialists place, so i think this time i will be more honest and maybe they will give me some real help. I was on prozac for a little while but it just made me more suicidal so i stopped taking it.

im sorry you lost your friend too. its not an easy thing to go through. i know she wouldnt want me feeling this way, but i still cant help it because i know she was a lot better at living than i am.

thank you. i honestly think i really needed to hear that.

hehe its okay its worded really well, english isny my first language either :) mines afrikaans, whats yours?