Venting It's getting worse

[museumofthunder]

I have been holding on for years because i believed it would get better. Right? Has to get better. Something has to give. And i've survived. But it gets a little harder every day, every week, every month, every year.

I was supposed to go to class today. I promised myself id do good this year, because i fucked up last year. I used to get all as. I used to have potential. I was smart!! Everyone said i was smart. I cant even go to class now. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts, all the time. Im always tired. My head always hurts. Im always hungry but i cant eat.

I have no friends. Im not the kind of person people like. Im quiet, because im weird. I know im weird and i try not to talk so i can hide it. It doesnt work. Nobody in real life likes me. I have a boyfriend. And i try to stay for him because i know it would suck to have a dead girlfriend. Whats he gonna tell pepple then? Oh yeah, had a girlfriend but she killed herself! What a great conversation starter.

I was supposed to be better than this. I grieve the person i wanted to be every single day. Every single day i try to find her in the mirror, i claw through my skin and my reflection and rub my eyes in hopes that something will change. And it doesnt. Im still me. I will always be stuck as me, im always going to be stuck in this body, this brain, and i fucking hate it. Because i wanted to be so much more than that.

I really wanted to be successful. I know nobody realizes it but i wanted to be happy too. I know im weird and broken but i thought i deserved to be happy too. I wanted to be able to talk to people and make friends, go to class like a normal person, dress like a normal person, act like a normal person, be able to eat in public, to not wash my hands 20 times a day because i always feel contaminated. Dirty. I wish i had died long ago.

There's nothing more cruel than forcing me to exist.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful having to suffer like that, I understand that it's so awful when existing just continues to get worse, existing here really can be so torturous.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

I hate my brain. It is nothing but a fucking piece of shit at this point. Let no one hold you back, just do what you want no matter what.

 

[jussrav]

I have been holding on for years because i believed it would get better. Right? Has to get better. Something has to give. And i've survived. But it gets a little harder every day, every week, every month, every year.

I was supposed to go to class today. I promised myself id do good this year, because i fucked up last year. I used to get all as. I used to have potential. I was smart!! Everyone said i was smart. I cant even go to class now. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts, all the time. Im always tired. My head always hurts. Im always hungry but i cant eat.

I have no friends. Im not the kind of person people like. Im quiet, because im weird. I know im weird and i try not to talk so i can hide it. It doesnt work. Nobody in real life likes me. I have a boyfriend. And i try to stay for him because i know it would suck to have a dead girlfriend. Whats he gonna tell pepple then? Oh yeah, had a girlfriend but she killed herself! What a great conversation starter.

I was supposed to be better than this. I grieve the person i wanted to be every single day. Every single day i try to find her in the mirror, i claw through my skin and my reflection and rub my eyes in hopes that something will change. And it doesnt. Im still me. I will always be stuck as me, im always going to be stuck in this body, this brain, and i fucking hate it. Because i wanted to be so much more than that.

I really wanted to be successful. I know nobody realizes it but i wanted to be happy too. I know im weird and broken but i thought i deserved to be happy too. I wanted to be able to talk to people and make friends, go to class like a normal person, dress like a normal person, act like a normal person, be able to eat in public, to not wash my hands 20 times a day because i always feel contaminated. Dirty. I wish i had died long ago.

There's nothing more cruel than forcing me to exist.

Sounds how I feel. Everyday is a nightmare i just feel like I am being tortured.