It’s getting unbearable

[woofwag]

I am getting far more inundated with suicidal thoughts than normal. Or maybe it's always been the same amount and I'm just getting tired of bearing it. Either way, I can't take it. I think about it every second of every day. Even in the happy moments, I think of how I'd so much rather be dead. Locking myself away in daydreams is the only way I get by each day.

I know some parts of me want to live, just to love people and have fun. But the vast majority of my system can't take it anymore. That being said, my roomies are on a 2-week vacation, and I need to take care of their pets. Can't imagine it would be too fun to have both your roommate and all your pets die at the same time.

After that… idk. There's a few more things I need to clear up, but hopefully I can have it all done by late December/early January.

I'm so tired. So fucking tired. No one can stop me now, including myself. Fuck, please, i need to just make this constant pain go away

 

[looking4partner]

I think about it every second too & may have some form of OCD that makes it obsessive.

And it has only gotten worse, I used to be able to distract myself from it better before certain uncontrollable things happened to me :(

It feels like I was punished for deciding to stay alive and believing things could get better when they ended up becoming worse than anything I could have imagined. I never knew that this level of suffering was possible and I had already experienced chronic ideation for years

I wish I could have privacy when I want it again so that I can have the time I need to CTB. And my condition is now going to affect my physical ability to do it

:(

P.S. I'm sure they're appreciative of you taking responsible care of their pets rn

 

[woofwag]

I think about it every second too & may have some form of OCD that makes it obsessive.

And it has only gotten worse, I used to be able to distract myself from it better before certain uncontrollable things happened to me :(

It feels like I was punished for deciding to stay alive and believing things could get better when they ended up becoming worse than anything I could have imagined. I never knew that this level of suffering was possible and I had already experienced chronic ideation for years

I wish I could have privacy when I want it again so that I can have the time I need to CTB. And my condition is now going to affect my physical ability to do it

:(

P.S. I'm sure they're appreciative of you taking responsible care of their pets rn

I think this is part of why I hate when people say "it gets better." Cuz it really has only gotten worse for us. And it sucks so bad. Living is such an unbearable task. We didn't deserve this. And we definitely don't deserve to be forced to live despite our suffering. There's a diagnosis for people with persistent untreatable depression (forgot the exact term), and I feel like I have that. There are actually assisted suicide programs for people with that diagnosis, but I don't think it's available where I live, and you have to jump through a billion hoops to get that anyway.

I hope you're able to find peace in whatever way that may present for you. My roomies did appreciate it, so at least there's that.