coldcoldcold
Member
- Jun 29, 2020
- 10
i was bad before quarantine, but quarantine combined with an abusive relationship i didn't realize was abusive really took a toll on me. i remember the worst night: it was last year and very late june. i'd been doing a bit better, but i was still at one of my worst points mentally. i couldn't really sleep and the bad sorts of thoughts always started creeping up in the later hours, which is what happened then. i just started feeling so sad and tired; not to be cliche but it felt like i was drowning and i couldn't get out and i just had this horrific realization that i was fooling myself and nothing more. i started thinking that i was going to die and that there was no way i could make it through that night and that my sad/tired state was going to kill me, over and over and over. but i had to go and be stupidly optimistic that maybe i could make things better so i called the suicide hotline and while they weren't very helpful in the conventional sense they did offer a good distraction from my thoughts. things would've been a lot better if i'd just given in. shortly after that me and my now ex broke up and i spiraled again and i started talking to someone else which more on them later.
anyway, october of last year i started recovering from my eating disorder and things genuinely started looking up. i started dating again and i really truly did love them but they were only using me as a rebound and they started ghosting me then they said we had to break up. that hurt on a very personal level, and honestly i don't remember much after that until i started getting out of the house more. but i saw all these people with people they loved and i realized that 1. i don't have anyone like that and 2. i'm crushingly lonely. so i started trying to go to therapy, but it took about a month and then i only went two times. but during those few weeks, i knew i had a way out and that lifted me up a lot. anytime something bad happened i could add it to the list of things to tell my therapist instead of the pile of things i was holding onto because nobody wants to hear it and i don't have anyone to tell it to anyway. but then she told me she'd just put in her month's notice and she would be leaving soon; she said i could do virtual but that's not an option for me as i'm very paranoid and i get scared that people are listening in. she said she'd have her own office by january 2022 and i could always try to get in then, or i could find another therapist. i don't want to have to start over and i won't be able to get into her new office because she's cutting down the amount of clients she sees drastically and i was the newest one so i'm not a priority. i've decided just to give up on therapy altogether because there's no point in just being pushed from person to person and never making any real progress. that's when it started to get bad again. i've spiraled into a horrible depressive episode and all i can do is try to distract myself until things stare me in the face so much that i have to take other measures to avoid it. i always help my friends with these things but i try to talk about my own baggage and they get uncomfortable and closed off so i don't talk about it. to be clear, i always ask before venting i don't just suddenly push all my problems onto them.
so during all this, ending it started being on my mind a lot again. just something in the back of my head at first but it quickly became much bigger, something that takes over my every waking thought. the solution my mind immediately goes to whenever there's a seemingly unfixable problem. even the smallest inconvenience brings back that cliche drowning feeling. i've been suicidal for much of my life but i've always been too scared to go through with it for many reasons: my friends, my cat, the possibility that things might someday get better even though it's been shown again and again that it never will.
back to the guy i started talking to: i think this is sort of what pushed me over the edge. right after i got broken up with, he came into my life and they seemed like exactly what i needed. namely, a friend. but what he really wanted was a relationship and my body. this makes me feel sick for a lot of reasons: 1. they obviously saw my vulnerability and took advantage of it. they never cared at all. 2. i know i was uncomfortable with it because i was realizing i'm asexual and there was a big age gap and many other reasons but they coerced and guilt tripped until i gave in and i convinced myself i was into it but i wasn't and i know that's on me because in the end i did say yes but it makes me feel so ill how it happened. 3. like i said there was a pretty big age gap. and there's a lot more but i can't sort it all out yet.
i didn't mean this to be so long but so much is happening and i just want it to end. i was trying to wait until SN was an option but now i just want anything at all. i'm on a few different prescriptions not to mention over the counter stuff and roommates's prescriptions and stuff. i recently read one of us is lying and i can't get it out of my head that it would be so so so easy just to somehow get my hands on penicillin and make sure there's no way to stop it in case i start to regret it at the end. it could look like an accident so nobody would feel guilty. but i don't want to go like that. and yet i've always known i want to die by my own hand. so why am i so on the fence about it?
sorry this is so long and out of order and dramatic and it doesn't make much sense i just really needed to get this off my chest.
anyway, october of last year i started recovering from my eating disorder and things genuinely started looking up. i started dating again and i really truly did love them but they were only using me as a rebound and they started ghosting me then they said we had to break up. that hurt on a very personal level, and honestly i don't remember much after that until i started getting out of the house more. but i saw all these people with people they loved and i realized that 1. i don't have anyone like that and 2. i'm crushingly lonely. so i started trying to go to therapy, but it took about a month and then i only went two times. but during those few weeks, i knew i had a way out and that lifted me up a lot. anytime something bad happened i could add it to the list of things to tell my therapist instead of the pile of things i was holding onto because nobody wants to hear it and i don't have anyone to tell it to anyway. but then she told me she'd just put in her month's notice and she would be leaving soon; she said i could do virtual but that's not an option for me as i'm very paranoid and i get scared that people are listening in. she said she'd have her own office by january 2022 and i could always try to get in then, or i could find another therapist. i don't want to have to start over and i won't be able to get into her new office because she's cutting down the amount of clients she sees drastically and i was the newest one so i'm not a priority. i've decided just to give up on therapy altogether because there's no point in just being pushed from person to person and never making any real progress. that's when it started to get bad again. i've spiraled into a horrible depressive episode and all i can do is try to distract myself until things stare me in the face so much that i have to take other measures to avoid it. i always help my friends with these things but i try to talk about my own baggage and they get uncomfortable and closed off so i don't talk about it. to be clear, i always ask before venting i don't just suddenly push all my problems onto them.
so during all this, ending it started being on my mind a lot again. just something in the back of my head at first but it quickly became much bigger, something that takes over my every waking thought. the solution my mind immediately goes to whenever there's a seemingly unfixable problem. even the smallest inconvenience brings back that cliche drowning feeling. i've been suicidal for much of my life but i've always been too scared to go through with it for many reasons: my friends, my cat, the possibility that things might someday get better even though it's been shown again and again that it never will.
back to the guy i started talking to: i think this is sort of what pushed me over the edge. right after i got broken up with, he came into my life and they seemed like exactly what i needed. namely, a friend. but what he really wanted was a relationship and my body. this makes me feel sick for a lot of reasons: 1. they obviously saw my vulnerability and took advantage of it. they never cared at all. 2. i know i was uncomfortable with it because i was realizing i'm asexual and there was a big age gap and many other reasons but they coerced and guilt tripped until i gave in and i convinced myself i was into it but i wasn't and i know that's on me because in the end i did say yes but it makes me feel so ill how it happened. 3. like i said there was a pretty big age gap. and there's a lot more but i can't sort it all out yet.
i didn't mean this to be so long but so much is happening and i just want it to end. i was trying to wait until SN was an option but now i just want anything at all. i'm on a few different prescriptions not to mention over the counter stuff and roommates's prescriptions and stuff. i recently read one of us is lying and i can't get it out of my head that it would be so so so easy just to somehow get my hands on penicillin and make sure there's no way to stop it in case i start to regret it at the end. it could look like an accident so nobody would feel guilty. but i don't want to go like that. and yet i've always known i want to die by my own hand. so why am i so on the fence about it?
sorry this is so long and out of order and dramatic and it doesn't make much sense i just really needed to get this off my chest.
