deadtrace
Member
- Aug 7, 2023
- 81
TW: SA and coercion (I don't know if I'd call it SA. I think I would if i was talking about someone else. Either way better safe than sorry.)
I don't know why this is bothering me so much right now, I think maybe it was a video that mentioned a similar situation recently. But I can't stop thinking about it and I need to put it down somewhere. A few people know about this in general, and one or two know some of the details, but there's not really anyone I can talk about.
This happened about 8 years ago in my first "relationship". In short my partner at the time would pretty much constantly cheat on me, make it my fault, and I'd believe her. I blamed it all on myself and caved to every argument she started over it. The whole relationship was bad but that's just context.
The thing that's bothering me now is to do with sex. We would have sex quite regularly, and I didn't want to. That's the simplest way I can put it. Pretty much every time I only agreed because if I didn't it would devolve into either an argument about how I'm not good enough, or it'd start another wave of cheating, which she'd use to make me feel worse. It was all just to avoid conflict. On one particularly bad occasion I broke down crying in the middle of it, and was completely out of it. I went mute and just couldn't do anything. I couldn't articulate why or what I was feeling, and wasn't met with any sympathy. She was just frustrated and acted like it was an inconvenience, then as I became able to speak again she started to berate me about it.
I don't know if this gets anything across I'm just rambling. I need to get this down somewhere. Thinking about it is just making me feel dragged back to how I felt then but it just keeps coming back.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much right now, I think maybe it was a video that mentioned a similar situation recently. But I can't stop thinking about it and I need to put it down somewhere. A few people know about this in general, and one or two know some of the details, but there's not really anyone I can talk about.
This happened about 8 years ago in my first "relationship". In short my partner at the time would pretty much constantly cheat on me, make it my fault, and I'd believe her. I blamed it all on myself and caved to every argument she started over it. The whole relationship was bad but that's just context.
The thing that's bothering me now is to do with sex. We would have sex quite regularly, and I didn't want to. That's the simplest way I can put it. Pretty much every time I only agreed because if I didn't it would devolve into either an argument about how I'm not good enough, or it'd start another wave of cheating, which she'd use to make me feel worse. It was all just to avoid conflict. On one particularly bad occasion I broke down crying in the middle of it, and was completely out of it. I went mute and just couldn't do anything. I couldn't articulate why or what I was feeling, and wasn't met with any sympathy. She was just frustrated and acted like it was an inconvenience, then as I became able to speak again she started to berate me about it.
I don't know if this gets anything across I'm just rambling. I need to get this down somewhere. Thinking about it is just making me feel dragged back to how I felt then but it just keeps coming back.
