Nonno_Eek
I don't understand human behavior ♥
- Oct 21, 2024
- 14
Anywhere I go the the thoughts keeps coming back. I've been doing well-ish months ago. Kind of distracting myself with studying. I still occasionally cry sometimes for no reason but not as bad as last year where I tried doing reckless things.
Everything is calm but I knew it won't last.
One of our class is about human development from birth to death. I learned a lot and appreciate how complex things are. Even if there's theories, biological and more explanation, It doesn't really give an answer. It just give you a reference to what maybe the things going on.
Then our professor gave us a last requirement. Making a roadmap of our future starting from now to our death and a Eulogy. It hits me. I don't see myself growing old and having a family. I don't even see myself reaching 30's. I don't wanna get involved in someone's life. I don't wanna die in sickness.
If I wanna die, I want it consciously. That I have full control.
It's like how I write my drafts. I already have the ending but the middle part of the story, the important things, are still missing, unplanned and blurred.
I am afraid of letting the nature takes it course yet I don't know how will I do it and when. I just want to enjoy the calmness right now. The requirement makes me reevaluate my life and the choices I've done.
The despair and helplessness... That now mirrors my younger brother. Unlike me, he have the confidence and trust to tell me that he didn't know what to do if he fails. That he might do something drastic if he did.
What did I do as a sister? I shut him down and told him to just play his computer games. I don't know why I did that. Maybe because I see myself in him while he talks about being afraid of failing. I want to comfort him but his struggles is a bit closer to mine. I immediately regretted it. Someday he might remember it and hated me for it. I'm actively destroying the trust he puts on me as his sister. Crying over it I pointless now but I can't stop myself. I don't want him to hate me. I haven't realized that someone trust me enough to tell their struggles. I always thought that no one does so I keep myself in.
I'm so stupid, so self-centered. I just chipped away the trust my brother had for me.
Death is always there. Watching and waiting for an opportunity to destroy me. Now it's watching my brother too.
Seeing someone else suffer the same thing you do is a different feeling. On myself, I can justify that I can kill myself because I want to. Seeing it on your love ones if a different beast. It makes you want to help them and make them see beyond what they can perceived. It's a weird moral dilemma... I can justify my own suicide but not my love ones.
I want to makes things right and help. I don't want to see a future where he hate me or worse failed to save him. After all dilemmas isn't black and white. I might choose something that may destroy things even more but it's better than watching him crumble under the weights of despair.
Everything is calm but I knew it won't last.
One of our class is about human development from birth to death. I learned a lot and appreciate how complex things are. Even if there's theories, biological and more explanation, It doesn't really give an answer. It just give you a reference to what maybe the things going on.
Then our professor gave us a last requirement. Making a roadmap of our future starting from now to our death and a Eulogy. It hits me. I don't see myself growing old and having a family. I don't even see myself reaching 30's. I don't wanna get involved in someone's life. I don't wanna die in sickness.
If I wanna die, I want it consciously. That I have full control.
It's like how I write my drafts. I already have the ending but the middle part of the story, the important things, are still missing, unplanned and blurred.
I am afraid of letting the nature takes it course yet I don't know how will I do it and when. I just want to enjoy the calmness right now. The requirement makes me reevaluate my life and the choices I've done.
The despair and helplessness... That now mirrors my younger brother. Unlike me, he have the confidence and trust to tell me that he didn't know what to do if he fails. That he might do something drastic if he did.
What did I do as a sister? I shut him down and told him to just play his computer games. I don't know why I did that. Maybe because I see myself in him while he talks about being afraid of failing. I want to comfort him but his struggles is a bit closer to mine. I immediately regretted it. Someday he might remember it and hated me for it. I'm actively destroying the trust he puts on me as his sister. Crying over it I pointless now but I can't stop myself. I don't want him to hate me. I haven't realized that someone trust me enough to tell their struggles. I always thought that no one does so I keep myself in.
I'm so stupid, so self-centered. I just chipped away the trust my brother had for me.
Death is always there. Watching and waiting for an opportunity to destroy me. Now it's watching my brother too.
Seeing someone else suffer the same thing you do is a different feeling. On myself, I can justify that I can kill myself because I want to. Seeing it on your love ones if a different beast. It makes you want to help them and make them see beyond what they can perceived. It's a weird moral dilemma... I can justify my own suicide but not my love ones.
I want to makes things right and help. I don't want to see a future where he hate me or worse failed to save him. After all dilemmas isn't black and white. I might choose something that may destroy things even more but it's better than watching him crumble under the weights of despair.
