Venting It's difficult to move on

[like-spoiledmilk]

TW: CSA maybe?

It's hard to particularly put my childhood into easy terms. My parents beat each other so often the police constantly came, I'd have to hide in my room. My mom was attempting ctb all the time. We never had money. Of course they got divorced, but then their new partners weren't any better.

There was a period when I was 14-17 where my mom was dating this older guy. I'd have to go to his house, and he'd sit in his underwear on his bed with an open robe. Then, he'd just talk to me while hard. He'd give my mom money for it and that was that. I'd always sit by the door, I didn't want to be close to him. I thought it was worth it enough for food and bills and gas to be paid.

It culminated with a plan to send me to New Orleans with him for two months. He gave my mom $800. I didn't want to go (I lived in Chicago). I drank Windex to pretend to be sick, she dragged me to the car, then I wouldn't leave the car so she dragged me by the hair to his house. She kept laughing at me.

The guy decided to just let me stay home. He let her keep the money, and forced me in his lap. He wanted me to promise not to stop talking to her in order to get up.

I think since then my relationship with her has been absolute fucking shit. I barely talk to her, and everyone acts like I'm evil, but I also don't want to talk about this happening. It's one of those situations where nothing technically happened so nobody will care. According to her, it didn't happen, and if it did happen it wasn't that bad, and if it was that bad then I was sensitive because she had it so much worse. And when her boyfriends were getting in my bed, nobody cared! They laughed! They thought it was funny that they were drunkenly sticking their hands down my pants!

This is a vent, truly. I just don't know how to move on, I guess. I don't want to cut my mom off permanently. My granddad had kids with his kids, so my mom probably does, in some super fucked up way, think she was doing better for me. I just can't forget her laughing at me. And worse, I feel like it wasn't that bad! I feel like I'm over exaggerating most of the time. I'm also almost thirty, and I don't trust anyone, and I can't keep having my behavior defined by something that happened ages ago.


TLDR: I ruminate on old shit that shouldn't bother me anymore, word vomit above lol

 

[NZkiwi]

TLDR: I ruminate on old shit that shouldn't bother me anymore, word vomit above lol

I'm sorry to hear all that you went through and Im glad this place is a safe space

You mum bf sounds like a pedophelic asshole, a shit cunt


You were doing the best you could do to survivie in a shitty enviornment, I hope you're safe now
That rumination kept you safe in a circumstance where you weren'y safe
Not suprisising now the "danger" is there your brain is still in survival mode
Takes a long time to unlearn survival mode

****
almost 30 yeah (same :').....)
how is your emotional and physical independence?
Got your own place now?
Job?/Study?
Partner?

How far do you live from your mum?
How often do you talk to her?

It can be hard. I cut my paretns off for essentially 10 years and only now am I reconnecting, from a position of strenghth where what they say won't beat me down

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

I'm sorry to hear all that you went through and Im glad this place is a safe space

You mum bf sounds like a pedophelic asshole, a shit cunt


You were doing the best you could do to survivie in a shitty enviornment, I hope you're safe now
That rumination kept you safe in a circumstance where you weren'y safe
Not suprisising now the "danger" is there your brain is still in survival mode
Takes a long time to unlearn survival mode

****
almost 30 yeah (same :').....)
how is your emotional and physical independence?
Got your own place now?
Job?/Study?
Partner?

How far do you live from your mum?
How often do you talk to her?

It can be hard. I cut my paretns off for essentially 10 years and only now am I reconnecting, from a position of strenghth where what they say won't beat me down

I know I'm heavily trauma dumping, I apologize but also thank you for listening. I have my own place and a job and a partner. I struggle with building further relationships (friendships, familial) however. Still, I'm grateful to be independent

My mom just moved down south with some religious drug dealer and got rid of her phone. I have to call him to talk to her, so now I speak to her 2-4x a year. She spam calls my siblings and dad to tell me to call her (him), though, it's a mess.

It's nice to have someone who relates. It's hard cutting your parents off, feels like something's missing, but maybe it always was. Have your parents changed at all in those ten years, do you feel? Or has it been more that you feel you can manage it better for yourself?

 

[NZkiwi]

I know I'm heavily trauma dumping, I apologize but also thank you for listening.

welcome to the sanctuary i guess lol

Have your parents changed at all in those ten years, do you feel?

No they've just gotten older, my parents are retirement age, so just slower and weaker

The relationship with my parents I wanted was a fantasy - the reality would never meet even the most reasonable low effort expectation I had in my head of a healthy relationship. Took a while to get used to, but now I'm at peace with it


They still say the most abusive toxic shit to me
And then they calm down and we continue having dinner
Water off a ducks back

y mom just moved down south with some religious drug dealer and got rid of her phone. I have to call him to talk to her

low key sounds like your mum is in a abusive relationship
very saddning isn't it