Venting it’s been a while

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I havent posted for some time now.

truth is I really come here to vent often, I'm just so glad there is a place in which I can be blatant about my thoughts without much judgement. I'll try not to ramble but it's mostly just me letting it out yknow.

So my suicide date is in less than a month, my birthday. I gave myself a chance and promise that it'd depend on how things go during that day, which I still stand by, but now I feel scared or dumb, because truth is things start to get better but I feel so much genuine panic and stress that I feel like throwing up because I just can't buy or believe that things will get better, because when they have I always hit my lowest points. To be honest my suffering hasn't stopped, my illness is scary because of how easy I can get really bad without proper care, and the mental freeze of little progress in a lot of time economically and academically is frustrating, nevertheless to say I don't feel excitement for birthdays anymore, and I don't feel my birthday is a date to celebrate.

i feel kind of cornered with dates closing in though I remind myself im never forced to ctb I remember the pain and suffering and overall stress that I went through during my panic attacks that it makes my gut twist. I tried not to focus on it too much, which has helped in a way, though I've still self harmed I try to cope setting myself short term goals and stuff.

My partner might come see me for my birthday so they might just save my life, since we are online dating. I feel so disconnected from everything it's so surreal, I haven't cried a lot or closed myself in my anxiety but it feels I'm not healing anything just putting it away, I just feel so disconnected.

 

[socrates]

That sounds miserable, Goals are great and all, but they pale in comparison to those miserable moments when all you want to do it die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also don't see birthdays as a day to celebrate as it's just a reminder that I've sadly suffered for yet another year. But anyway I wish you the best, it's such a horrible existence where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, SaSu is really the place where I can be comfortable in sharing my struggles and not be gaslit, invalidated, patronized, or even risk getting intervened against my will. I too, have suffered for many years, more years than I would be willing to accept. Whatever date is important to you is important to you as everyone's personal values are subjective and ultimately meaningful to themselves. I hope you find the peace you are looking for when the time comes.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

That sounds miserable, Goals are great and all, but they pale in comparison to those miserable moments when all you want to do it die.

it really does, you get me, thank you

Yes, SaSu is really the place where I can be comfortable in sharing my struggles and not be gaslit, invalidated, patronized, or even risk getting intervened against my will. I too, have suffered for many years, more years than I would be willing to accept. Whatever date is important to you is important to you as everyone's personal values are subjective and ultimately meaningful to themselves. I hope you find the peace you are looking for when the time comes.

thank you so much really, to be honest I just feel super guilty cause my s/o is trying so hard to come see me because he knows I've been not ok. but I really am suffering so much.