Venting It’s so hard being in a healthy relationship

[lwovely]

As much as I love how my boyfriend treats me, it's super hard to enjoy it. There are times where I just want to block him because of my urge to kill myself. I don't want people to mourn me if im gone and I feel like me pushing him away helps with that.

Being treated so well feels so amazing but it's always the negative thoughts that bother me. I always feel like I don't deserve this because I plan on dying anyway. It is so hard overcoming this mindset especially since I am so used to feeling this way. I honestly wish I wasn't like this because it's so much.

 

[hopeifindmyself]

I pushed people away in past because of this, including someone I have been in love with. However, if you both have similar world view, value system, you'd be able to share your most vulnerable self with them and let them have the agency to decide if they wish to follow the path with you in your struggles or walk away. I understand it must be scary because if they decide to leave, it would be even hard and lonely with only person who loves and treats you well, still if you love the person, it makes you think of others too. It's not just by blocking, unless you fear he would never understand you, as I know some people won't in my life, if I disappear from their life, it wouldn't affect them because we are not emotionally close, but a bf as soulmate who gets me etc he would know my thoughts