Am sorry you're experiencing this. I can relate, on the outside I have everything a young man could want, and my depression comes in cycles too. Usually I'm depressed for a couple of months, then I latch onto some project/cause and I'm fine, then I tell myself it was all pointless and want to ctb again.
In my case I've tried really hard to recognize the patterns. I know having experienced several cycles that deep down, if I say something like "I want to die, anyone keeping me alive is selfish, life has no point" etc. that I will eventually snap out of it. That might not be true for you, but have you identified anything in particular that sets you off? If you could change any one thing in your life (even if it seems silly), do you think you'd be happier?
It sounds from your post like you have a lot on the outside going for you. Sounds cliche but practicing radical gratitude (gratitude for every little positive thing in your life, and viewing bad things as 'interesting') can go a long way. It's always good to have goals and accomplish things on the outside but if your mind doesn't learn to unconditionally appreciate what you have, you won't stay happy consistently.
If you want to talk please feel free to send me a message.
