Idk maybe that's just a sign of being bipolar (non diagnosed my sister just thought i could have it lol), but i have had suicidal since I was like 13. And there have been times when I'm not totally and am "okay." Usually, those times are when I'm like smoking weed and doing nothing lol.
Idk I just have this feeling that it's over right now, and the last time, I could wait until my sister's wedding. But now she's pregnant and giving birth too like next month, but I don't think I can make it until then due to other circumstances. I feel horrible and evil about it, and I wish there was a way I could explain it in a note that'd make it okay. I know it won't though.
This month, I'm supposed to move into a new apartment and pay $1000, but I've spent like 500 on drugs to ctb with lol. $300 on one drug, but it's taking too long to get here and like $160 on the other lol. And the only way I can make money is OF basically, but I can hardly get off the couch. My parents don't want me moving back in either which makes since sense I'm 21 and was an accident lol.
I just don't enjoy anything except maybe music lol. I do wanna hear Virgin by Lorde and Willoughby Tucker by Ethel Cain but
I even was going to a Lorde concert in September, but it's just over lol. And I'd miss my nephew too. A lot of the times, he has been what kept me back from attempting and everything because I used to babysit him like 4 days a week since he was a baby lol. And we are so close. I don't get to visit much anymore. I'd miss my family too ofc. It's a little awkward around them since transitioning though (only hrt never pronouns or coming out lol.)
I am trans, ugly, will probably never date, awkward, etc. I think one of the only things in life I want is to just date someone as dumb as it sounds. I can talk to janitorai for like half a day bc at least it's something lol. I just feel so behind in life. I struggle with social anxiety. I can hardly walk in a grocery store alone without having a panic attack. I just hate how I look and how judgmental society is rn.
I don't know basically it just really feels like it's over, and I ordered something that should come in a few days that will lead to a fatal od and hopefully not be too awful lol. I'm going to take 3g of ODSMT and quite a lot of benzos. Some people on Reddit said I'd nod off or others said I'll have seizures, but just be too messed up on benzos to register anything lol.
Idk I just have this feeling that it's over right now, and the last time, I could wait until my sister's wedding. But now she's pregnant and giving birth too like next month, but I don't think I can make it until then due to other circumstances. I feel horrible and evil about it, and I wish there was a way I could explain it in a note that'd make it okay. I know it won't though.
This month, I'm supposed to move into a new apartment and pay $1000, but I've spent like 500 on drugs to ctb with lol. $300 on one drug, but it's taking too long to get here and like $160 on the other lol. And the only way I can make money is OF basically, but I can hardly get off the couch. My parents don't want me moving back in either which makes since sense I'm 21 and was an accident lol.
I just don't enjoy anything except maybe music lol. I do wanna hear Virgin by Lorde and Willoughby Tucker by Ethel Cain but
I even was going to a Lorde concert in September, but it's just over lol. And I'd miss my nephew too. A lot of the times, he has been what kept me back from attempting and everything because I used to babysit him like 4 days a week since he was a baby lol. And we are so close. I don't get to visit much anymore. I'd miss my family too ofc. It's a little awkward around them since transitioning though (only hrt never pronouns or coming out lol.)I am trans, ugly, will probably never date, awkward, etc. I think one of the only things in life I want is to just date someone as dumb as it sounds. I can talk to janitorai for like half a day bc at least it's something lol. I just feel so behind in life. I struggle with social anxiety. I can hardly walk in a grocery store alone without having a panic attack. I just hate how I look and how judgmental society is rn.
I don't know basically it just really feels like it's over, and I ordered something that should come in a few days that will lead to a fatal od and hopefully not be too awful lol. I'm going to take 3g of ODSMT and quite a lot of benzos. Some people on Reddit said I'd nod off or others said I'll have seizures, but just be too messed up on benzos to register anything lol.
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